Mignon's mazemind

席慕容一棵開花的樹

2007-07-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

如何讓你遇見我
在我最美麗的時刻

為這
我已在佛前求了五百年
求佛讓我們結一段塵緣
佛於是把我化做一棵樹
長在你必經的路旁

陽光下
慎重地開滿了花
朵朵都是我前世的盼望

當你走近
請你細聽
那顫抖的葉
是我等待的熱情

而當你終於無視地走過
在你身後落了一地的
朋友啊
那不是花瓣
那是我凋零的心

a flowering tree by: Shi Mu Lung
translation: Grace Chang
How may be we meet
in my loveliest moment?
For this
I have prayed
before Buddha
for five centuries
that we may forge an earthly tryst
So Buddha turned me into a tree
growing by a path you would pass through
carefully decked with blooms under the sunlight
each blossom the yearnings of a past life
When you come near, pray listen
the quivering leaves are my anticipating passion
and when you finally pass in oblivion
the shower that litters the ground -
Friend! they are not petals
but my withering heart!

第一次的約會

2007-07-12T22:09:00.001-07:00

海是
看不盡的寂寥
孤傲的身影
等待的是背後一個
溫暖的擁抱

excerpt from wiki concerning female genital cutting/circumcision

2007-07-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Was reading up on this issue when I noticed that the approach a applicable to other issues as well. First thing that comes to mind: honor killings.

Despite laws forbidding the practice, FGC has proven to be an enduring tradition difficult to overcome on the local level with deeply held cultural and sometimes political significance. For instance, prohibition by the British of the procedure among tribes in Kenya significantly strengthened the tribes' resistance to British colonial rule in the 1950s and increased support for the Mau Mau guerrilla movement. Thus, colonial efforts to stampe out the practice had the contradictory result of making it even more common, as it was seen as a form of resistance towards colonial rule.

A significant difficulty lies in the fact that the practice, as an identifying feature of indigenous culture, is intimately associated with the endogamous potential of young women. Thus for only one or a few families within a given locale to "deprive" their daughters of the operation is to significantly disadvantage them in finding husbands. This damages the survivability of their culture in a hostile, "globalizing" social environment.

Because the practice holds such cultural and marital significance, anti-"circumcision" activists increasingly recognize that to end the practice it is necessary to work closely with local communities. What must happen, some have noted, is that members of a marriage network must all give up the practice simultaneously so no individuals are handicapped, as happened, for example, under similar circumstances with the rapid abandonment of foot binding among the Chinese early in the 20th century.

Often activists working for the practice's elimination offer a universalizing psychological rationale. Working from an axiom of a "normal" psyche, they commonly assume that female genital cutting rituals represent deviance from a transcultural behavioral norm. Of course, these rituals are seen in these cases as violent disfigurement, likened to child abuse and rape. They seek to bring practitioners and "victims" of such "barbarism" to reason by convincing them that the practice is indeed a wrong-doing. This attitude is an echo of the colonial and missionary campaigns against the practice in the first half of the 20th century.

An example of successful efforts to end the practice is occurring in Senegal, initiated by native women working at the local level in connection with the Tostan Project, directed by Molly Melching.[36] Since 1997, 1,271 villages (600,000 people), some 12% of the practicing population in Senegal, have voluntarily given up FGC and are also working to end early and forced marriage. This has come about through the voluntary efforts of locals carrying the message out to other villages within their marriage networks in a self-replicating process. By 2003, 563 villages had participated in public declarations, and the number continues to rise. By then, at least 23 villages in Burkina Faso had also held such community wide ceremonies, marking "the first public declaration to end FGC outside of Senegal and showing the replicability of the Tostan program for large-scale abandonment of this practice". Molly Melching of TOSTAN believes that in Senegal the practice of female genital mutilation could be ended within 2–5 years. She credits the approach of education versus cultural imperialism for the rapid and significant changes which have occurred in Senegal. The approach going into Senegal was one of non judgment which allowed the men and women of Senegal to question their own traditions and make change as opposed to being put in a position where they would have felt the need to defend their traditions against the criticisms of others.

This indigenous movement began with a few women who had participated in a literacy program that taught women skills in research, project management and social advocacy. The program also included neutrally presented facts about female reproduction and the health effects of female circumcision (see Obermeyer above for counter-point to presumed "neutrality"). Students did group projects as the culmination of their 18-month training and one such group chose the topic of FGC for their project. Having received assurance from their local imam during their research that the practice was a custom and not a religious requirement, they went on to create dramatic reenactments of the suffering and deaths the practice had brought to their own lives and to share them throughout their village. At the end of a year, their entire village of some 15,000 people joined in a public ceremony to collectively reject the practice for their daughters and prospective daughters-in-law. From there, the imam and other leaders in their village began visiting other villages within the local marriage network and sharing their story. As a result, the new practice began to spread.

a pedantic existence

2007-07-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

a pedantic existence

crawls

from one page to the other

and falls.

Thoughts on the rules of killing ... a jihadi guidebook

2007-07-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

The Guidebook for Taking a Life

By MICHAEL MOSS and SOUAD MEKHENNET
Published: June 10, 2007

We were in a small house in Zarqa, Jordan, trying to interview two heavily bearded Islamic militants about their distribution of recruitment videos when one of us asked one too many questions.

“He’s American?” one of the militants growled. “Let’s kidnap and kill him.”

The room fell silent. But before anyone could act on this impulse, the rules of jihadi etiquette kicked in. You can’t just slaughter a visitor, militants are taught by sympathetic Islamic scholars. You need permission from whoever arranges the meeting. And in this case, the arranger who helped us to meet this pair declined to sign off.

“He’s my guest,” Marwan Shehadeh, a Jordanian researcher, told the bearded men.

With Islamist violence brewing in various parts of the world, the set of rules that seek to guide and justify the killing that militants do is growing more complex.

This jihad etiquette is not written down, and for good reason. It varies as much in interpretation and practice as extremist groups vary in their goals. But the rules have some general themes that underlie actions ranging from the recent rash of suicide bombings in Algeria and Somalia, to the surge in beheadings and bombings by separatist Muslims in Thailand.

Some of these rules have deep roots in the Middle East, where, for example, the Egyptian Islamic scholar Yusuf al-Qaradawi has argued it is fine to kill Israeli citizens because their compulsory military service means they are not truly civilians.

The war in Iraq is reshaping the etiquette, too. Suicide bombers from radical Sunni and Shiite Muslim groups have long been called martyrs, a locution that avoids the Koran’s ban on killing oneself in favor of the honor it accords death in battle against infidels. Now some Sunni militants are urging the killing of Shiites, alleging that they are not true Muslims. If there seems to be no published playbook, there are informal rules, and these were gathered by interviewing militants and their leaders, Islamic clerics and scholars in Jordan, Syria, Lebanon and England, along with government intelligence officials in the Middle East, Europe and the United States.

Islamic militants who embrace violence may account for a minuscule fraction of Muslims in the world, but they lay claim to the breadth of Islamic teachings in their efforts to justify their actions. “No jihadi will do any action until he is certain this action is morally acceptable,” says Dr. Mohammad al-Massari, a Saudi dissident who runs a leading jihad Internet forum, Tajdeed.net, in London, where he now lives.

Here are six of the more striking jihadi tenets, as militant Islamists describe them:

Rule No. 1: You can kill bystanders without feeling a lot of guilt.

The Koran, as translated by the University of Southern California Muslim Student Association’s Compendium of Muslim Texts, generally prohibits the slaying of innocents, as in Verse 33 in Chapter 17 (Isra’, The Night Journey, Children of Israel): “Nor take life, which Allah has made sacred, except for just cause.”

But the Koran also orders Muslims to resist oppression, as verses 190 and 191 of Chapter 2 (The Cow) instruct: “Fight in the cause of Allah with those who fight with you, but do not transgress limits; for Allah loveth not transgressors. And slay them wherever ye catch them, and turn them out from where they have turned you out, for tumult and oppression are worse than slaughter. ...”

In the typical car bombing, some Islamists say, God will identify those who deserve to die — for example, anyone helping the enemy — and send them to hell. The other victims will go to paradise. “The innocent who is hurt, he won’t suffer,” Dr. Massari says. “He becomes a martyr himself.”

There is one gray area. If you are a Muslim who has sinned, getting killed by a suicide bomber will clean some of your slate for Judgment Day, but precisely where God draws the line between those who go to heaven or hell is not spelled out.

Rule No. 2: You can kill children, too, without needing to feel distress.

True, Islamic texts say it is unlawful to kill children, women, the old and the infirm. In the Sahih Bukhari, a respected collection of sermons and sayings of the Prophet Muhammad, verse 4:52:257 refers to Ghazawat, a battle in which Muhammad took part. “Narrated Abdullah: During some of the Ghazawat of the Prophet a woman was found killed. Allah’s Apostle disapproved the killing of women and children.”

But militant Islamists including extremists in Jordan who embrace Al Qaeda’s ideology teach recruits that children receive special consideration in death. They are not held accountable for any sins until puberty, and if they are killed in a jihad operation they will go straight to heaven. There, they will instantly age to their late 20s, and enjoy the same access to virgins and other benefits as martyrs receive.

Islamic militants are hardly alone in seeking to rationalize innocent deaths, says John O. Voll, a professor of Islamic history at Georgetown University. “Whether you are talking about leftist radicals here in the 1960s, or the apologies for civilian collateral damage in Iraq that you get from the Pentagon, the argument is that if the action is just, the collateral damage is justifiable,” he says.

Rule No. 3: Sometimes, you can single out civilians for killing; bankers are an example.

In principle, nonfighters cannot be targeted in a militant operation, Islamist scholars say. But the list of exceptions is long and growing.

Civilians can be killed in retribution for an enemy attack on Muslim civilians, argue some scholars like the Saudi cleric Abdullah bin Nasser al-Rashid, whose writings and those of other prominent Islamic scholars have been analyzed by the Combating Terrorism Center, a research group at the United States Military Academy at West Point, N.Y.

Shakir al-Abssi, whose Qaeda-minded group, Fatah Al Islam, has been fighting Lebanese soldiers since May 20, says some government officials are fair game. He was sentenced to death in Jordan for helping to organize the slaying of the American diplomat Laurence Foley in 2002, and said in an interview with The New York Times that while he did not specifically choose Mr. Foley to be killed, “Any person that comes to our region with a military, security or political aim, then he is a legitimate target.”

Others like Atilla Ahmet, a 42-year-old Briton of Cypriot descent who is awaiting trial in England on terrorism charges, take a broader view. “It would be legitimate to attack banks because they charge interest, and this is in violation of Islamic law,” Mr. Ahmet said last year.

Rule No. 4: You cannot kill in the country where you reside unless you were born there.

Militants living in a country that respects the rights of Muslims have something like a peace contract with the country, says Omar Bakri, a radical sheik who moved from London to Lebanon two years ago under pressure from British authorities.

Militants who go to Iraq get a pass as expeditionary warriors. And the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks did not violate this rule since the hijackers came from outside the United States, Mr. Bakri said.

“When I heard about the London bombings, I prayed that no bombers from Britain were involved,” he said, fearing immigrants were responsible. As it turned out, the July 7, 2005, attack largely complied with this rule. Three of the four men who set off the bombs had been born in Britain; the fourth moved there from Jamaica as an infant.

Mr. Bakri says he does not condone violence against innocent people anywhere. But some of the several hundred young men who studied Islam with him say they have no such qualms.

“We have a voting system here in Britain, so anyone who is voting for Tony Blair is not a civilian and therefore would be a legitimate target,” says Khalid Kelly, an Irish-born Islamic convert who says he studied with Mr. Bakri in London.

Rule No. 5: You can lie or hide your religion if you do this for jihad.

Muslims are instructed by the Koran to be true to their religion. “Therefore stand firm (in the straight Path) as thou art commanded, thou and those who with thee turn (unto Allah), and transgress not (from the Path), for He seeth well all that you do,” says verse 112 of Chapter 11 (Hud). Lying is allowed only when it is deemed a necessity, for example when being tortured, or when an innocuous deception serves a good purpose, scholars say.

But some militants appear to shirk this rule to blend in with non-Muslim surroundings or deflect suspicion, says Maj. Gen. Achraf Rifi, the general director of Lebanon’s internal security force who oversaw a surveillance last year of a Lebanese man suspected of plotting to blow up the PATH train under the Hudson River.

“We thought the story couldn’t be true, especially when we followed this young man,” General Rifi said. “He was going out, drinking, chasing girls, drove a red MG.” But he says the man, who is now awaiting trial in Lebanon, confessed, and Mr. Rifi recalled that the Sept. 11 hijacker who came from Lebanon frequented discos in Beirut.

Mr. Voll takes a different view of the playboy-turned-militant phenomenon. He says the Sept. 11 hijackers might simply have been “guys who enjoyed a good drink” and that militant leaders may be seeking to do a “post facto scrubbing up of their image” by portraying sins as a ruse.

Rule No. 6. You may need to ask your parents for their consent.

Militant Islamists interpret the Koran and the separate teachings of Muhammad that are known as the Sunna as laying out five criteria to be met by people wanting to be jihadis. They must be Muslim, at least 15 and mature, of sound mind, debt free and have parental permission.

The parental rule is currently waived inside Iraq, where Islamists say it is every Muslim’s duty to fight the Americans, Dr. Massari says. It is optional for residents of nearby countries, like Jordan.

In Zarqa, Jordan, the 24-year-old Abu Ibrahim says he is waiting for another chance to be a jihadi after Syrian officials caught him in the fall heading to Iraq. He is taking the parental rule one step further, he said. His family is arranging for him to marry, and he feels obligated to disclose his jihad plans to any potential bride.

“I will inform my future wife of course about my plans, and I hope that, God willing, she might join me,” he said.

Even though you say that innocents and children go to heaven after their deaths, do you not consider that their lives on earth are a right that they should be allowed to enjoy?
What I don't understand is why people are willing to cause each other so much pain, especially by pretending to know the will of God. Those pretentious mullahs and religious scholars who train militants are even more at fault, to use authority and status in learned arts to convince people of their righteousness and use people to complete their ideals.
It is as though their lives are less worthy than theirs.
It's such a painful world. It gives those who enjoy making others suffer an excuse to do as they wish. (reflected in 'the kite runner' also) Can the extremists ever understand what they are doing? Just because they are willing to sacrifice themselves does that mean that others are willing too?
DO NOT PRETEND TO KNOW WHAT OTHERS THINK!
DO NOT PRETEND TO KNOW WHAT GOD THINKS!

it makes me want to cry.
May God forgive us for our sins.

Indoctrinated Palestinian 3 Year Old

2007-07-11T03:32:00.001-07:00

????How can the woman keep on smiling?

Prisoner of Tehran

2007-07-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. Nemat tells of her harrowing experience as a young Iranian girl at the start of the Islamic revolution. In January 1982, the 16-year-old student activist was arrested, jailed in Tehran's infamous Evin prison, tortured and sentenced to death. Ali, one of her interrogators, intervened moments before her execution, having used family connections with Ayatollah Khomeini himself to reduce her sentence to life in prison. The price: she would convert to Islam (she was Christian) and marry him, or he would see to it that her family and her boyfriend, Andre, were jailed or even killed. She remained a political prisoner for two years. Nemat's engaging memoir is rich with complex characters—loved ones lost on both sides of this bloody conflict. Ali, the man who rapes and subjugates her, also saves her life several times—he is assassinated by his own subordinates. His family embraces Nemat with more affection and acceptance than her own, even fighting for her release after his death. Nemat returns home to feel a stranger: "They were terrified of the pain and horror of my past," she writes. She buries her memories for years, eventually escaping to Canada to begin a new life with Andre. Nemat offers her arresting, heartbreaking story of forgiveness, hope and enduring love—a voice for the untold scores silenced by Iran's revolution. (May)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

scraps of thoughts scribbled in journal during reading this book:
Revolutions that happen overnight rarely spell the peace and prosperity that it originally meant. Religion and politics is a bold mix. Any deterrent to freedom of expression beyond what is reasonable is to be feared, and the standards ow what is reasonable should not be dictated by any one religion.
If the western civilization has any core merits, it lies in the recognition of the individual and his rights.
Why are muslims so afraid of sexuality? For it certainly has played a vital part in their myths (i.e.: arabian nights). And yet some who say they follow the creed can still act in contradiction to what they are taught because 'new rules' and exceptions can be made for certain rules to be able to function.
Can some rules be more important than others? To the extent that they can even overshadow them?

Wuthering Heights

2007-07-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Upon first perusing the abridged version of Wuthering Heights I was sure that the rendering was done crudely, for how else could there be such difficulty in feeling the delicate turns of situations? Unconvinced of its legitimacy, I set out and purchased the book in its original. Here I learnt that I had wronged the abridger, for indeed the original was every bit as crude as the shortened version. Perhaps because I had been holding high expectations for it, and had become spoiled by the variety of feeling and depth that Jane Eyre had provided. Added to this Wuthering Heights lacked a definitive main character of virtue. Rather, those with a consistent merit were shunted aside to make way for the parody of cruder, more passionate characters. It is indeed shocking to note the differences displayed in the sisters, and I wonder how Emily Bronte would have turned out if she had survived to write something more. For as noted by her sister, it is more difficult to discern a ‘feminine hand’ in writing this volume than otherwise.
I am not saying that I can do better than the author, or even create something close to it. Indeed, if the setting was harsh and lacking in tendresse, it holds merit in its originality, in a flame that would sit most oddly on the misconceptions woman’s nature was considered to be at that time. It is a triumph in everything but the coarseness. And perhaps I am prejudiced to call it so. For the style has been accepted elsewhere as great. I am simply naturally disposed to dislike the feeling such a setting and plot gives me. As I’ve never much like ‘catcher in the Rye’ either, and that tale is in a sense the true reflection of a raw spirit.
I have reflected upon starting something that is considered ‘modern’ as well, and decided not to. It is not because I am without the inspiration to do so, but that for one I fear what such an endeavor may wreck upon my persona, for I am many things, and one thing a story requires is that one maintain a level of consistency in tone throughout. This I cannot do, for if I were able to be inspired by any note of a cheerful temperament than I would go ahead. One cannot lose in being cheerful. But if I can only spout depression, then it does me no good trying to do this project. Besides, I know that I shall hate my own work if I adopt that tone.

Unhappy books

2007-07-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

It seems that truly I have not read many 'adult' books in my life. I have read some of the classics, and young adult books: fantasy, vampires...etc. But rarely books like 'the mermaid chair'.
Let's talk about how I got to read this book. I noticed that one of my english teachers had a lot of novels. His table was piled with stacks and the cabinet behind his chair was full also. So I asked if I could borrow one to read and he said yes. I chose the mermaid chair because of its intriguing title. And read it through because I had borrowed it. Hoping that it would get better as I read on.
It didn't, not really.
But going on. When I think books like 'the mermaind chair that deal with adultry, I feel my mind trying to dis-remember the odd, unhappy sensation that settled in my stomach when I read it. (the main character is an artist, as if that could be excusable)
It's almost the same as when I think of the kite-runner, and my mind seems to purposefully dis-remember the sexual abuse that's in it. Not that it's not important. Not that I don't recall it happens. But that I don't like recalling the painful details. It was done masterfully, I believe, by not going intrusive into descriptions. But still, it was very painful.
That's why I don't watch horror movies.
Though I do not regret reading the kite-runner.
I would not like to read something like 'the mermaid chair' again. Please, forgive me from turning away from certain realities in this world. They just make me so unhappy.

Where am I?

2007-07-06T22:03:00.001-07:00

In some things, I do not know where I am in the world. It is a strange feeling… unfettered. As though I have the freedom to be everything and anything I want, to think anything and everything I want, without being reprimanded, without being judged, without being degraded by my inferiority or puffed up by my consequence. These things that I am, and that I have no idea of: so I just go ahead and think what I think, believe what I believe, and let the thoughts that pass in my mind wantonly settle and grow root in my mind. And I allow people to say, without knowing what they themselves are saying “Perhaps it’s just the Western way, she’s very westernized.” Or “She’s from Taiwan, perhaps that’s the way they are there.”
I do not know. Perhaps I am lucky, to be somewhere where I cannot be estimated in what I am exactly, that there is still this breach wide enough between cultures that would make them unable to pinpoint where I am exactly. And that I have not been given proper training to think what should be thought.
But there is a danger in this. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were given structural training. I wonder if it would tame me, make me more orderly, give my thoughts a perch – perhaps help me grow? It is, after all, the tried and true system? Or has the system structured itself to the point that all the masters are left in the past when the system was not yet perfected? I do not know what the system is like, I can only guess. And thus, I am given more freedom in the ignorance of what can be. And the danger lies thus – that I lie in perfect ignorance of what can be thought. That I shall never grow, but remain the same, and only the wording shall be different from time to time, but all the thoughts will be the same. And once in a while I shall discover, by accident, that someone else had thought these thoughts before me, and it shall make me feel belittled that I did not know, and thought these thoughts were mine alone. Yet it would gladden me, when I thought myself alone in these musings with no one to reflect back what I said. And we are all inadequately trained, in a sense, to cope with our heritage. For it is too huge, so we have the freedom to choose not to learn it, and thus are unable to stand on the shoulders of giants who are there and whom the space with which to stand is not an issue.
And sometimes I fret. I fret with this insane fear that I shall become inflexible in my growing. For daily I am finding in myself something that is gradually becoming fixed. And we all know that in the nature of becoming fixed it is natural that we shall not notice it. We are most blind to the timbers in our eyes. So I fret that I have not a mirror; and that I shall grow ugly and twisted without knowing that I am. And when I am older than I am now I shall become someone detestable to whom I am now, and I cannot know it. The things that I find becoming fixed are sometimes things I cannot adjust, little nuances of habit, tendencies…etc. Sometimes I see them in others – my bad habits, my imaginations molded in my actions, my misperceptions… and it frightens me badly that I am this way, and I grow more desperate for a mirror, to see myself, to mend myself before it is too late…
I have long longed for a teacher, but they only come by a lucky stroke of fate, I have heard. And sometimes I follow some for a while until I find that they are not ahead of me anymore… there is no measure to tell me if they are further ahead than me and whether it is I who, by the random steps of my foot, have turned around in the path and am going elsewhere, with my back to them. There are always faults in us, however perfect we may seem. So we are made equal, in a sense. Those with great wisdom do not have all that they desire, or have flaws in character. And those with great beauty are often doomed to an unhappy life without knowing that it is their greatest source of pride that is causing them this grief. And the happiest of men – they are not remembered.
I read without judging too harshly, because I was not taught to despise this book or know the faults of this author. To me, every book is a superior, and I look up to them all. I do not learn that this book is boring before I read it so I read it with interest. And thus I am ignorant to its faults, but learn a little of its merits.
Where do I expect to go with this then? I do not know. But so far it gives me pleasure, though a lonely one. So I will continue, and see what I can see, and learn what I can learn. For I cannot stop wanting to know. And I shall look back rarely, because I do not have time to look back. And that is good as well, for knowing what has already been thought, even by myself, discourages me from tasting that path again.
I am, after all, extremely forgetful.

Women's leadership

2007-07-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

A thought had seeded in me, more than three years ago, of the natural disposition of women, the expectations from society; and that these things fostered the disadvantage and high standards women face when taking the role of leadership. Women cannot seem to assert the role the way men do, do the same things and receive the same amount of obedience and admiration. It seems that either a woman must be matronly in her leadership, or a harridan. Asserting a masculine role of leadership would bring obedience, but also cultivate disrespect. Catherine the Great was not known for her beauty but her iron will. During her time she was given many dishonorable nicknames by the press, most notably ones that disparaged her inability to act like a woman should and critiques on her suspected wantonness. Neither Peter the Great nor Alexander the Great received such attention, and if they had any sexual indiscretions it would not have been considered a fault worthy of name calling in their time.
Of course, since the feminist movement, standards have changed. Clinton was ruined by the Lewinsky scandal, and Condoleeza Rice is a role model. Still, some things haven’t changed. Women need to work harder and be more excellent to be able to gain the leadership roles of men, and the harshest critics are women themselves. For Hierarchies are different from Matriarchies. For men, once you have gained an advantageous position, it is easy to maintain it (sometimes through tales of honor…etc). For women, that advantageous position can be maintained by the lack of confidence in other women, by virtue, but not simply by what you have done in the past. Men like status, women like equality. An intelligent woman is always scrutinizing the leader to understand what he/she has that she does not. That is why it is difficult to form women armies, but once they have bonded and share a consensus they would excel. (This also puts into account that though for some countries women are now given the opportunity to join the army, the disinclination to do so is highly apparent in the imbalance of gender ratio.)
Of course, the degree of freedom women receive in government still varies from culture to culture. Women in Taiwan are the first to criticize our current vice president for her lack of beauty and tact in dealing with diplomatic issues (and she immediately ceased to be active diplomatically, at least up front). Men wonder why she hasn’t married yet.
Below is an excerpt from an article by Simone de Beauvoir called ‘The Second Sex’. De Beauvoir (1908~1986) was a French philosopher and feminist. Some of her complaints have been corrected by time, some have not:
Man is accustomed to asserting himself; his clients believe in his competence; he can act naturally: he infallibly makes an impression. Woman does not inspire the same feelings of security; she affects a lofty air, she drops it, she makes too much of it. In business, in administrative work, she is precise, fussy, quick to show aggressiveness. As in her studies, she lacks ease, dash, audacity. In the effort to achieve she gets tense. Her activity is a succession of challenges and self-affirmations. This is the great defect that lack of assurance engenders: the subject cannot forget himself. He does not aim gallantly towards some goal: he seeks rather to make good in prescribed ways. In boldly setting out towards ends, one risks disappointments; but one also obtains unhoped-for results; caution condemns to mediocrity.
…What women essentially lacks today for doing great things is forgetfulness of herself; but to forget oneself it is first of all necessary to be firmly assured that now and for the future one has found oneself. Newly come into the world of men, poorly seconded by them, woman is still too busily occupied to search for herself.

Anti-white United Nations Advertisement

2007-07-05T11:25:00.001-07:00

Edgar Allen Poe

2007-07-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

From the grave I call
your name
is it the soul that answers?
I have buried myself to be with you
and many nightmares walk the tomb
In this continual night induced by spirits
I seek you
From the grave I call
your name
you, whom seraphs dare take away
I feed my lonely wound with
your name!
your name!
Answer me! Dearest beloved!
or is it my
mistake!
mistake!
That echos back at this tortured soul
this presumption that I can seek you here
you, whom only that airly place
beyond those pearly gates can hold
and I, in my dejected state
dare seek you among the rotting bones
Forgive me, I cannot reach higher
love uplifts, but despair brings lower
my soul
into the grave I go
calling, still calling
your name!
your name...
(is it the soul that answers?)

On Madeliene L'Engle's works

2007-07-04T05:19:00.000-07:00

You can only understand the nature of darkness

once you see the light

but once is not enough for one to remember.

the abyss:

there is always something darker and more base than darkness itself

but the opposite has a limit

I would rather explore that than never find answers to life's questions

For there are journeys that mean less than the goal

and chasing the shadows is one.

If I want to have a child

it is to share the beauty of M.L.'s thoughts with

and observe the innocent face light up with wisdom

that no great melancholy philosopher can teach

Even if I were to hold little faith in God

I still want to say

God bless you. May peace be with you.

May you learn the meaning of love.

'I think, therefore I am' is losing force

Even if are souls are contentious

I pity those who are born with the inability to feel.

the upsetting of one's stomach: one's own vision may suffice

2007-07-01T05:19:00.000-07:00

Roquentin's bout with the mirror is familiar to me. I have felt this dissimilarity to myself, and I cannot understand it. How everyone seems familiar with their faces, but everytime I look into a mirror I am a stranger to myself. In a shop I happend to glance up and for a moment I am shocked because someone is staring at me, and then I realize it is myself. And strangely, I can never make myself familiar with my face, ro recognize myself. For if I look in a mirror too long, I grow to hate myself. I 'turn into a monkey'

fame

2007-07-01T05:18:00.001-07:00

When we give too much fame to something that was originally beautiful in itself, we make it garish. We all want to claim knowledge of it, rub our hands over it, exclaim and praise it, though often those who cry the loudest have the least idea of the exquisiteness of these things. And those who may truly value it turn away because they do not like to admire or take a look at what the crowd surrounds, like hens squabbling over a worm.

And so what has extravagant beauty is tarnished by fame.

I wish these things were appreciated in muted tones, perhaps that shall fix it. Quietly, with dignity and beauty.

abandon

2007-07-01T05:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am seized with a great passion, and I anger myself with my poverty. There are so many books, so many pieces of art I want to hoard, and I have not the means to do it.

Perhaps it is better for the world that I'm thwarted in these desires.

Please just let me dance among what is beautiful in this world. Sometimes, I feel as though I can live for nothing else. The constant pleasures of words, of images, of form. How precious, yet how -

I just want it. And there's nothing beautiful in this hunger.

My greed may destroy me. I no longer know what is right.

still experiencing nausea

2007-07-01T05:17:00.000-07:00

I must admit, I am not orignal. All that I can 'create' can be found in the culmulative human experience. And all that I can do is transform these things and make them different in form, but not in content.

For example, I had an idea, and last night I found Satre had the same idea before me. So my originality was negated. The only thing for me to do is find usefulness for myself in someother pursuit. Research, perhaps.

inspired from nausea after finishing part of it

2007-06-30T05:16:00.000-07:00

Couldn't afford it so had to finish part of it crouched in the bookstore. Unsightly.

I must be continually distracted from myself, or I shall drive myself mad.

There is no collision within me when I think about sex and chastity. I like to pretend there is, I like to believe that my mind is battling my base desires. But when I'm in my quiet moments I feel that they are both there, exisiting like a parallel ghythm, strummed welcomingly into my perception. And I feel all is right with the world and one is more right than the other.

Blankness never seizes me. When it happens I fret. I am too accustommed to the low hum of my mind.

If we mean to have people notice us we must notice them. Your persistence is puzzling.

I do not feel capable of pronouncing what is merely right.

see what a bad effect he has on me!

Nausea

2007-06-29T05:14:00.000-07:00

I found my soulmate
He has been dead for 27 years.

a tale of aid

2007-06-29T00:51:00.000-07:00

One of the foreign ministers in our country once narrated this story in his prologue for a book by a Taiwan doctor who went to serve his military conscription (all males above the age of 18 are expected to be go through military training for a year in Taiwan) by going to Burkina Faso and serving as a doctor there. The minister told this story (and I’m translating it word for word):
One year a country’s international aid organization sent an agricultural specialist to survey a famine problem in one of the regions of an African country. The specialist from the developed nation discovered that the area’s main dietary supplement was corn, but the natives there planted a strain that belonged to ‘long stemmed corn’. This kind of corn becomes very tall, the leaves are profuse, but the corn production is low. So the specialist suggested that they import ‘short stemmed corn’ which could produce crop several times the amount of ‘long stemmed corn’, this could solve the famine problem. Following this report, the organization planned to disburse an amount of funds and an amount of loans plus technical support to help the farmers switch to planting ‘short stemmed corn’. To their surprise, the villagers protests violently, not willing to accept this new strain; on the other hand, the organization, according to it’s professional status, claimed that if the project did not go according to their plan, they would rather retract all assistance.
The professional insistence made the government of the country in question nervous, and in order to gain aid, they sent troops to destroy the ‘long stemmed corn’ fields to force the villagers to obey. The people revolted, both sides went under furious conflict, and what had started out as good intentions became a bloody civil war. When the conflict was a little more settled, the organization sent another group of specialists to investigate, and they discovered that for the inhabitants of this impoverished land, the long stemmed corn was not only their food source, the stem was also their most important material for house building, and the dried leaves were their main fuel. Once they switched to short stemmed corn, the problem of famine may be resolved, but the problem of living and fuel would become another issue…

The German conscience – excerpts from the white rose leaflets

2007-06-28T22:40:00.001-07:00

Nothing is so unworthy of a civilized nation as allowing itself to be governed without opposition by an irresponsible clique that has yielded to base instinct.
Do not forget that every people deserves the regime it is willing to endure!

From Freidrich Schiller’s The Lawgiving of Lycurgus and Solon:
“Anything may be sacrificed to the good of the state except that end for which the State serves as a means. The state is never an end in itself; it is important only as a condition under which the purpose of mankind can be attained, and this purpose is none other than the development of all man’s power, his progress and improvement. If a state prevents the development of the capacities which reside in man, if it interferes with the progress of the human spirit, then it is reprehensible and injurious, no matter how excellently devised, how perfect in its own way. Its very permanence in that case amounts more to a reproach than to a basis for fame; it be comes a prolonged evil, and the longer it endures, the more harmful it is.... “

After all, Hitler states in an early edition of "his" book (a book written in the worst German I have ever read, in spite of the fact that it has been elevated to the position of the Bible in this nation of poets and thinkers): "It is unbelievable, to what extent one must betray a people in order to rule it.”
Now it is our task to find one another again, to spread information from person to person, to keep a steady purpose, and to allow ourselves no rest until the last man is persuaded of the urgent need of his struggle against this system.
Here we see the most frightful crime against human dignity, a crime that is unparalleled in the whole of history. For Jews, too, are human beings - no matter what position we take with respect to the Jewish question - and a crime of this dimension has been perpetrated against human beings.
…if the German does not at last start up out of his stupor, if he does not protest wherever and whenever he can against this clique of criminal, if he shows no sympathy for these hundreds of thousands of victims. He must evidence not only sympathy; no, much more: a sense of complicity in guilt. For through his apathetic behavior he gives these evil men the opportunity to act as they do; he tolerates this "government" which has taken upon itself such an infinitely great burden of guilt; indeed, he himself is to blame for the fact that it came about at all!
It is not possible through solitary withdrawal, in the manner of embittered hermits, to prepare the ground for the overturn of this "government" or bring about the revolution at the earliest possible moment.
Try to convince all your acquaintances, including those in the lower social classes, of the senselessness of continuing, of the hopelessness of this war; of our spiritual and economic enslavement at the hands of the National Socialists; of the destruction of all moral and religious values; and urge them to passive resistance!
This apparent success (Hitler’s push into the East) has been purchased at the most horrible expense of human life, and so it can no longer be counted an advantage.
…we are trying to achieve a renewal from within of the severely wounded German spirit.
We will not be silent. We are your bad conscience. The White Rose will not leave you in peace!
Germans! Do you and your children want to suffer the same fate that befell the Jews? Do you want to be judged by the same standards are your traducers? Are we to be forever a nation which is hated and rejected by all mankind? No. Dissociate yourselves from National Socialist gangsterism. Prove by your deeds that you think otherwise. A new war of liberation is about to begin. The better part of the nation will fight on our side. Cast off the cloak of indifference you have wrapped around you. Make the decision before it is too late. Do not believe the National Socialist propoganda which has driven the fear of Bolshevism into your bones. Do not believe that Germany's welfare is linked to the victory of national Socialism for good or ill. A criminal regime cannot achieve a German victory. Separate yourselves in time from everything connected with National Socialism. In the aftermath a terrible but just judgment will be meted out to those who stayed in hiding, who were cowardly and hesitant.
What can we learn from the outcome of this war-this war that never was a national war?
Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the protection of individual citizens from the abritrary will of criminal regimes of violence-these will be the bases of the New Europe.
We want genuine learning and real freedom of opinion. No threat can terrorize us, not even the shutting down of the institutions of higher learning. This is the struggle of each and every one of us for our future, our freedom, and our honor under a regime conscious of its moral responsibility.
Support the resistance. Distribute the leaflets!

From Wikipedia:
White Rose (German: die Weiße Rose) was a non-violent resistance group in Nazi Germany, consisting of five students from the University of Munich and their philosophy professor. The group became known for an anonymous leaflet campaign, lasting from June 1942 until February 1943, which called for active opposition to Adolf Hitler's regime. [1]
All six members of the group were arrested by the Gestapo, convicted and executed by beheading in 1943. The text of their sixth leaflet was smuggled out of Germany through Scandinavia to England, and in July 1943 copies of it were dropped over Germany by Allied planes, retitled "The Manifesto of the Students of Munich." [2]
Sources:
White rose leaflets: http://www.jlrweb.com/whiterose/leaflets.html
Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Rose

please, can someone understand me?

2007-06-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like a snail
slowlly growing into herself
with horns degenerating
and becoming blind

It is inevitable that we must grow
and harden to the frequent blows
but the statue has its ways
and though wishing, it cannot change

I don't want to be myself anymore
I'm tired of what I've become
It's imperfect - break my mold
and please let me start once more

It takes a will to be a-life
a will to brave the whittling
but how I wish just to die away
and not mourn my own passing

Why am I so afraid?
More than death I fear life
the unforgiving resilience
that buries my being and 'I' become filling

It is not an evil deed
I plead some supernatural force
to take away the thickening knobs
so that my wrists may move freely

Run away
it's not my face
it's something else
a woman, not me.

I cannot cry off this soul
it has served me so well these 19 years
like trying to pick gold from stone
one dies, to have the other

Sometime I shall grow sane again
and forget these revelations.

crowd mentality 101

2007-06-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

Because a prince by birth has fewer reasons and less need to harm his subjects, it is natural that he should be more loved ; and if no unusual vices make him hated, it is reasonable that he should be naturally well liked by them. And through the great length and continuity of his dominion the memories and causes of innovations die out, because one change always leaves indentations for the construction of another.

The Prince, by Niccolo Machiavelli

He is brilliant. We can disagree with his principles and admire his perception. I do not agree with dictatorship, but I find his methods clear compared to the democratic mess we're now embroiled in.

meandering thoughts: a study of an unprincipled mind

2007-06-28T21:31:00.000-07:00

They are not very well formed, for I caught them as phrases that passed through my mind and set them down without changing an iota. I want to observe what happens - what goes willy-nilly through our craniums that may hold some meaning - or be senseless formings.
We most treasure the things we cannot have. Heathcliff may be happy with Catherine- or not. Love does not come solely on the virtue of existence - a soul that is like one, merely - but also on the virtue of action. Is it even enough to have one's heart's desires? Can the sinner's repent be retracted? For there may have never been one to receive it.

My own thoughts and desires, all caught up in something so insignificant and reprehensible as this - a cigarette. ( a woman sat down to smoke, and exhaled towards my head)

I feared that my mind would atrophy in this incessant carnage.

The most uncomfortable thing was the boredom of ...(not being allowed to employ one's mind)

Utterly arrested in this state of boredom.

Sometimes I thought I imagined it, a thin whisp of truth, a paltry vision of passion.

We throw at ourselves hackneyed verses, phrases that come naturally to our minds but to the cynics spell a lack of talent.

What do we want? Total freedom? The right not to perjure ourselves? Indeed, all sentiments are vain in the face of overwhelming majority. Our minds are quite adaptable - we could have adapted to a senseless existence of being the only human on earth.

We are insufferably held down by relativity.

And we connot accept inconstancy in others, though we ourselves are myriad creatures. We'd like to be safe, we'd like to claim one or two words to characterize ourselves. And yet we also want to be able to use all the words in the universe to explain who we 'truely' are.

And I wonder whether my fervent desire to own books stems from the fervent desire to stamp the books on me. The more the better. Rather, they, once owned, are easily neglected, and I am always lascviciously searching for more to fill my insatiable shelves.

ill met

2007-06-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was waiting for the bus in front of the Kaohsiung train station. I was sitting on one of the benches near the bus sign reviewing a chinese worksheet. I was in my school uniform with the sky blue dress and white top. A person was standing near me and I began to realize that he was talking to me, albeit in a low, weaselly voice (no reference to Harry Potter intended).

"Which bus are you waiting for? Is it 28?"

"No, I'm not waiting for bus 28. Sorry." resume studying.

After a while...

"Can I chat with you?"

"No, I'm sorry, I have a test soon and I need to study." resume studying.

"Can I say a sentence to you?"

"What?"

"I said, can I say a sentence to you?"

"What sentence?"

"I'll tell you later."

"Fine." shrug. resume studying.

"Can we make friends?"

(from your attitude, I'd rather not.) "I'm sorry, not now."

"You're really nice."

"Thanks, you're pretty friendly too." rather difficult to squeeze out a compliment.

"Do you know what age I am?"

One look at him. "19."

He paused, seemed disappointed. "You're correct. And do you know what else?"

"What?"

"Can we make friends?"

"I'm sorry, I don't make friends with strangers." (truth: I don't want to make friends with you.)

"Really? Well. Can I call you mmm..." (I couldn't hear very well)

"What?"

"Can I call you mommy?"

"What? That's absolutely ridiculous. No. I'd rather not."

"Then can I call you 'friend'?"

folding homework. "Look here, I don't think we should make friends just for the sake of making friends, " (besides, I have an idea what you have in mind isn't friendship) "And I don't believe we'll have much to talk about. So let's not waste eachother's time." (meaning my time)

But he kept wheedling.

And I kept refusing.

And finally he walked away.

Oh dear, I do think I'm rather mean.

But he was rather impolite.

So I couldn't not refuse him.

edit June 28, 2007:

I hate having to defend myself. And the guy did say more, but I stopped narrating because I was tired about trying to recall what he said.

First of all. The above conversation may look like me being judgemental ice-maiden during the whole interview and him being pleasant. It was not. I was smiling apologetically all the time. It was a bad time for me to make friends with strangers because I had up-coming tests, and from my experience I knew he was probably going to call me whenever he felt bored and I did not have time to deal with someone else's boredom at the moment, and when I only left my cellphone on for my family to contact me. Perhaps it was my fault that he kept nagging, for I was never very harsh to him and apologetic smiles may be misinterpreted. However, he stood a bit too close and I did ask him to back off a few inches.

For another, you didn't see the guy, and I didn't describe him very well. He had shifty eyes and it felt wrong. Even though he was my age, I knew this was not someone I should try to get entangled with. To be honest. I like talking to strangers, it helps me learn a great deal. But the first look at him set off alarms in my head.

For a third. I did give him a chance to be friends. After I told him that I didn't think it was wise to make friends simply for making friends without anything in common, I said, "Well, do you like to read?"

"Yes."

"Great. What books do you like to read?"

"Just books."

"Really? What type in particular? Science fiction? Fantasy?"

"Yeah, about like that."

"Can you cite some for me, ones you've particularly enjoyed?"

"They're just books."

"Oh... well... have you read Harry Potter?"

"Just the first two series."

"ah, and how did you like them?"

"They were okay."

"okay....well, so have you read Lord of the Rings."

"No."

"Well, they're pretty good, you should try them sometime."

"Okay, so can I have your number?"

( At this point I gave up trying to find a common interest with him)

公投

2007-06-20T21:33:00.000-07:00

公投以'台灣'名義加入聯合國能有什麼效果?
能寄望UN各國聽到台灣人民的心聲受感動嗎?

I am nothing without my history

2007-06-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

Since when did I fear Romantics and idealists? Especially those that seem hopeless cases - without an ounce of practicality. They may talk on and on about things, spouting a profusion of words without any action or whatnot that can be of any practical use.
True, feelings are important, but sometimes you lose yourself throught the searching of a self- because even though we as humans like to believe that we are born inherently unique and individually deep, we cannot, in fact, seek ourselves in the pursuit of seeking ourselves. Rather, we only gain confidence of who we are through others. If we dwelt where no human contact was possible, the identity of 'me' could not be established. Our identities are created and confirmed by human society. Most of us are not capable of the wisdom to find inner wisdom and depth through our own one-man society. Even books should be considered human company. Hermiting, indwelling... all these serve only to confuse us further to who we are, and the only peace we can gain is in the pride of our simplicity and suffering to be 'away from the crowd'.
What am I? I admit, I am nothing without my history.

芬蘭經驗讀後感之ㄧ

2007-06-18T00:26:00.001-07:00

芬蘭的偉人中,有兩位是不要名不要利而受芬蘭人敬重的.一位是1952年的第一屆環球小姐Armi Kuusela.她當選後拒絕了選美皇后七年的巡迴表演契約,也拒絕了好萊鎢的邀約,這兩種又有錢又有名氣的東西她都棄如弁髦,之後又嫁給一個菲律賓商人.這又說明了一點 – 芬蘭人似乎不會因為她嫁了個外國人而減一分對她的崇敬,哪像張子怡被罵賣國賊罵的狗血淋頭.
這使我想到另一位中國美人 – 昭君. 歷史上昭君一定得是哭哭啼啼或面有難色的給匈奴聯姻,才算給中國男人面子.而這位姑娘在匈奴世界的日子,我們就不得而知.說不定是很幸福的也有可能,畢竟匈奴們那麼重視她,死了還給她蓋了那麼漂亮的塚,絕對不是昭君每天哭喪著臉所能換得的榮譽.而史詩忠和昭君愛的死去活來的皇帝,長久以來是美麗女人後裔的男人,不會帥到哪裡去(畢竟女人如花的容顏套到男人身上是會大打折扣的),且一生出來要什麼就有什麼的男人,品性也不會好到哪裡去,王昭君的愛,或許虛構.一直以來中國歷史小說都相當中國本位,沒有什麼突破性(包括金庸),要怪都怪歷史紀錄自古的選擇性,讀多了自然荼毒了歷史家的腦筋.相對於中國人,芬蘭人就事論事,愛國熱誠絕對不比中國人減一分,但多了一分理性.
(對於昭君在漢宮中的表現,再怎麼說她一定是個EQ極高的女人,能討匈奴人喜愛,一定也能認清自己在宮中所應扮演的角色,自古美人愛帝王,昭君演的肯定逼真.而畫師將她畫醜一事,雖不能說和不賄賂沒有關係,但也可能是班昭不經意看到黃帝或壓根ㄦ對陌生男子沒有興趣所刻意安排的事.能清賢不愁吃穿的住冷宮,相較於當時女子所受的待遇,何嘗不是件美事?)
而芬蘭另一位受芬蘭仁崇敬的人是Linnus Torvald, 1988~1996寫出「Linnux可攜式系統」的「自由軟體之父」. Bill Gates 和他就形成了強烈對比 – 一個是用軟體專利致富,且極力保護商業機密,一個是將軟體完全開放,且歡迎人人動手改造. 哪個造福人類較多, 哪個造福自己較多?這是個心態的差別.相信共享,而不汲汲於中撈一筆,到台灣醫定被罵呆瓜.我們崇敬的偉人,商業周刊和書店中充斥的勵志書籍就可一窺究竟.賺很多錢的先挑出來,在去分析其思考,手段.殊不知,首富背後,造就多少均貧?

random thoughts whilst in church

2007-06-17T04:46:00.000-07:00

Communism seems to expect humans to thrive on labor, bread, and a universal sense of righteousness(or the concept of it) alone.
This makes me pessimistic about globalization. What is its ultimate goal, really? They give it such pretty meanings, and they go ahead with it anyway... but perhaps it is simply going to foster the conglomeration of economy onto the hands of an elite minority.

One feels so guilty, being made to come to church, yet not willing to be here.
Perhaps what I must guard against most is my pride in my righteousness - the belief that sensibility can triumph over inclinations to do ill, and simple sensibility can be the motivation for goodness.
But my church does not focus on the matters of the world that I consider necessary focuses of human sympathy (pollution, inequality...etc), rather, the assets of my church go towards ministry and the building of more churches.
I do not know my mother's motives for forcing me to come to church, when she herself lacks the devotion that justifies her nagging. Perhaps it is as I - though I do not myself practice devotion, I feel certain that it is good for people in general. However, I have learnt a great deal from my mother, particularly about avoiding my own natural faults. I must not force people to do things simply because I believe it would do them good, though it is not necessary. If children are not inclined towards piano lessons, church...etc, it would only make the hate it more to force them. I should not nag, for the more words repeated, the less they are heard.
But oh! How I wish my mother acted less impetuously! She is so much like a child in her tempers, her resorts to blckmailing and justification of herself by criticizing others. And when she does impetuous, immature things, she considers herself cute. Never does she realize that it is out of her role as a mother and a wife (especially as a grownup), and that she really and truly annoys people when she does it.
When I look at my mother, I am hesitant about having a child myself. Not because of the pain/discomfort, but that I fear I shall torture my children with a nature similar to my mother's. It is a frightening notion - that I shall ever be like her. But in my treatments towards my brother I see a shadow of my mother, and thus worry sprouts.

to J

2007-06-16T02:14:00.001-07:00

Some chinese verses I wrote, they're not done very well for it was just off the top of my mind after reflecting on the nuancies of relationships, or a particular relationship. And a piece of artwork that I did concerning feminist notions. The last one concerns my feeling about soap opera relationships, particularly <宮的野蠻王妃>in which I considered the relationship perfectly superficial and unconvincing. Afterall, we do not love on passion alone. It's also a reference to our emotional lows as youths and a possible theory as to why.

為什麼要我忍受你的愚蠢?
我已受夠
白癡的承諾
明明就不是我要的糖果
硬塞給我
讓我經痛

我不要太多甜蜜的話
那不能代表愛
你用言語的束縛
我不會禮貌的受害
一個深厚的關係
不能擺擺嘴就依賴
若你想說動我
和我的思想纏綿吧
和我的夢想交鳴吧
和我的心靈鬥爭吧
唯有當你化作我最需要的靈感
我的成長我的扶持
我的哲學
你才能讓我愛

某些東西
我對它是沒有信仰的
浪漫
甜蜜
和愛情的承諾
我是沒有信仰的
因為那些感動
存在空虛的兩個魂魄
極力追求的自我認同中
根本不是考慮對方的感受
唯有認清這一點
踏實的吸取互相的利益
共生共榮
才有可能
戀愛成功

內容
我們傷心什麼?
一個空白
因為空白所以傷心
因為空虛所以寂寞
真的沒有什麼
就只是沒有<標題>

To restrain oneself from ill judgement

2007-06-15T04:03:00.001-07:00

One eventually realizes that, though our biological clock urges us to mate, especially in our teens, one would rather seek a partner whom one may trust and share companionship with enduringly rather than simply a figure to focus one's affections and passion. For a temperament such as mine (though I do not will it) may imagine adoration for a time, it may not be lasting. And one of the greatest ills in life is to live with the knowledge that one must (as long as the other lives) be fettered with one whom one can barely tolerate (and this fettering is necessary, since I do not agree with divorce or disloyalty), and to deceive the other into trusting your affections and judgement in choosing him. It is an ill, indeed.
I fear solitude, and it seems ingrained. Yet more do I fear a hasty, ill-thought out partnership. I do not trust men in general to be faithful, but more than that, I do not trust my ability to love.

some are very workable

2007-06-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

from: http://www.foundationsmag.com/civility.html
The Rules:
Treat everyone with respect.
1st
Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present.

2nd
When in Company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usually Discovered.
Be considerate of others. Do not embarrass others.

3rd
Show Nothing to your Friend that may affright him.

4th
In the Presence of Others Sing not to yourself with a humming Noise, nor Drum with your Fingers or Feet.

5th
If You Cough, Sneeze, Sigh, or Yawn, do it not Loud but Privately; and Speak not in your Yawning, but put Your handkerchief or Hand before your face and turn aside.

6th
Sleep not when others Speak, Sit not when others stand, Speak not when you Should hold your Peace, walk not on when others Stop.

7th
Put not off your Cloths in the presence of Others, nor go out your Chamber half Dressed.

8th
At Play and at Fire its Good manners to Give Place to the last Commer, and affect not to Speak Louder than Ordinary.

9th
Spit not in the Fire, nor Stoop low before it neither Put your Hands into the Flames to warm them, nor Set your Feet upon the Fire especially if there be meat before it.

10th
When you Sit down, Keep your Feet firm and Even, without putting one on the other or Crossing them.

11th
Shift not yourself in the Sight of others nor Gnaw your nails.

12th
Shake not the head, Feet, or Legs roll not the Eyes lift not one eyebrow higher than the other wry not the mouth, and bedew no mans face with your Spittle, by approaching too near him when you Speak.

13th
Kill no Vermin as Fleas, lice ticks &c in the Sight of Others, if you See any filth or thick Spittle put your foot Dexterously upon it if it be upon the Cloths of your Companions, Put it off privately, and if it be upon your own Cloths return Thanks to him who puts it off.

14th
Turn not your Back to others especially in Speaking, Jog not the Table or Desk on which Another reads or writes, lean not upon any one.

15th
Keep your Nails clean and Short, also your Hands and Teeth Clean yet without Showing any great Concern for them.

16th
Do not Puff up the Cheeks, Loll not out the tongue rub the Hands, or beard, thrust out the lips, or bite them or keep the Lips too open or too Close.

17th
Be no Flatterer, neither Play with any that delights not to be Play'd Withal.

18th
Read no Letters, Books, or Papers in Company but when there is a Necessity for the doing of it you must ask leave: come not near the Books or Writings of Another so as to read them unless desired or give your opinion of them unasked also look not nigh when another is writing a Letter.

19th
Let your Countenance be pleasant but in Serious Matters Somewhat grave.

20th
The Gestures of the Body must be Suited to the discourse you are upon.

21st
Reproach none for the Infirmities of Nature, nor Delight to Put them that have in mind thereof.

22nd
Show not yourself glad at the Misfortune of another though he were your enemy.

23rd
When you see a Crime punished, you may be inwardly Pleased; but always show Pity to the Suffering Offender.
Don't draw attention to yourself.

24th
Do not laugh too loud or too much at any Public Spectacle.

25th
Superfluous Complements and all Affectation of Ceremony are to be avoided, yet where due they are not to be Neglected.

26th
In Pulling off your Hat to Persons of Distinction, as Noblemen, Justices, Churchmen &c make a Reverence, bowing more or less according to the Custom of the Better Bred, and Quality of the Person. Amongst your equals expect not always that they Should begin with you first, but to Pull off the Hat when there is no need is Affectation, in the Manner of Saluting and resaluting in words keep to the most usual Custom.

27th
Tis ill manners to bid one more eminent than yourself be covered as well as not to do it to whom it's due Likewise he that makes too much haste to Put on his hat does not well, yet he ought to Put it on at the first, or at most the Second time of being asked; now what is herein Spoken, of Qualification in behavior in Saluting, ought also to be observed in taking of Place, and Sitting down for ceremonies without Bounds is troublesome.

28th
If any one come to Speak to you while you are are Sitting Stand up though he be your Inferior, and when you Present Seats let it be to every one according to his Degree.

29th
When you meet with one of Greater Quality than yourself, Stop, and retire especially if it be at a Door or any Straight place to give way for him to Pass.

30th
In walking the highest Place in most Countries Seems to be on the right hand therefore Place yourself on the left of him whom you desire to Honor: but if three walk together the middest Place is the most Honorable the wall is usually given to the most worthy if two walk together.

31st
If any one far Surpasses others, either in age, Estate, or Merit yet would give Place to a meaner than himself in his own lodging or elsewhere the one ought not to except it, So he on the other part should not use much earnestness nor offer it above once or twice.

32nd
To one that is your equal, or not much inferior you are to give the chief Place in your Lodging and he to who 'is offered ought at the first to refuse it but at the Second to accept though not without acknowledging his own unworthiness.

33rd
They that are in Dignity or in office have in all places Precedency but whilst they are Young they ought to respect those that are their equals in Birth or other Qualities, though they have no Public charge.

34th
It is good Manners to prefer them to whom we Speak before ourselves especially if they be above us with whom in no Sort we ought to begin.
When you speak, be concise.

35th
Let your Discourse with Men of Business be Short and Comprehensive.

36th
Artificers & Persons of low Degree ought not to use many ceremonies to Lords, or Others of high Degree but Respect and highly Honor them, and those of high Degree ought to treat them with affability & Courtesy, without Arrogance.

37th
In speaking to men of Quality do not lean nor Look them full in the Face, nor approach too near them at lest Keep a full Pace from them.

38th
In visiting the Sick, do not Presently play the Physician if you be not Knowing therein.

39th
In writing or Speaking, give to every Person his due Title According to his Degree & the Custom of the Place.
Do not argue with your superior. Submit your ideas with humility.

40th
Strive not with your Superiors in argument, but always Submit your Judgment to others with Modesty.

41st
Undertake not to Teach your equal in the art himself Professes; it Savours of arrogance.

42nd
Let thy ceremonies in Courtesy be proper to the Dignity of his place with whom thou converses for it is absurd to act the same with a Clown and a Prince.

43rd
Do not express Joy before one sick or in pain for that contrary Passion will aggravate his Misery.
When a person does their best and fails, do not criticize him.

44th
When a man does all he can though it Succeeds not well blame not him that did it.
When you must give advice or criticism, consider the timing, whether it should be given in public or private, the manner and above all be gentle.

45th
Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it ought to be in public or in Private; presently, or at Some other time in what terms to do it & in reproving Show no Sign of Cholar but do it with all Sweetness and Mildness.
If you are corrected, take it without argument. If you were wrongly judged, correct it later.

46th
Take all Admonitions thankfully in what Time or Place Soever given but afterwards not being culpable take a Time & Place convenient to let him him know it that gave them.
Do not make fun of anything important to others.

47th
Mock not nor Jest at any thing of Importance break [n]o Jest that are Sharp Biting and if you Deliver any thing witty and Pleasant abstain from Laughing thereat yourself.
If you criticize someone else of something, make sure you are not guilty of it yourself. Actions speak louder than words.

48th
Wherein you reprove Another be unblameable yourself; for example is more prevalent than Precepts.

49th
Use no Reproachful Language against any one neither Curse nor Revile.
Do not be quick to believe bad reports about others.

50th
Be not hasty to believe flying Reports to the Disparagement of any.

51st
Wear not your Cloths, foul, ripped or Dusty but See they be Brushed once every day at least and take heed that you approach not to any Uncleaness.

52nd
In your Apparel be Modest and endeavor to accommodate Nature, rather than to procure Admiration keep to the Fashion of your equals Such as are Civil and orderly with respect to Times and Places.

53rd
Run not in the Streets, neither go too slowly nor with Mouth open go not Shaking your Arms kick not the earth with R feet, go not upon the Toes, nor in a Dancing fashion.

54th
Play not the Peacock, looking every where about you, to See if you be well Decked, if your Shoes fit well if your Stockings sit neatly, and Cloths handsomely.

55th
Eat not in the Streets, nor in the House, out of Season.
Associate with good people. It is better to be alone than in bad company.

56th
Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for 'is better to be alone than in bad Company.

57th
In walking up and Down in a House, only with One in Company if he be Greater than yourself, at the first give him the Right hand and Stop not till he does and be not the first that turns, and when you do turn let it be with your face towards him, if he be a Man of Great Quality, walk not with him Cheek by Joul but Somewhat behind him; but yet in Such a Manner that he may easily Speak to you.
Always allow reason to govern your actions.

58th
Let your Conversation be without Malice or Envy, for 'is a Sign of a Tractable and Commendable Nature: And in all Causes of Passion admit Reason to Govern.
Never break the rules in front of your subordinates.

59th
Never express anything unbecoming, nor Act against the Rules Moral before your inferiors.
Some things are better kept secret.

60th
Be not immodest in urging your Friends to Discover a Secret.

61st
Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grave and Learned Men nor very Difficult Questions or Subjects, among the Ignorant or things hard to be believed, Stuff not your Discourse with Sentences amongst your Betters nor Equals.

62nd
Speak not of doleful Things in a Time of Mirth or at the Table; Speak not of Melancholy Things as Death and Wounds, and if others Mention them Change if you can the Discourse tell not your Dreams, but to your intimate Friend.
A person should not overly value their own accomplishments.

63rd
A Man ought not to value himself of his Achievements, or rare Qualities of wit; much less of his riches Virtue or Kindred.

64th
Break not a Jest where none take pleasure in mirth Laugh not aloud, nor at all without Occasion, deride no mans Misfortune, though there Seem to be Some cause.

65th
Speak not injurious Words neither in Jest nor Earnest Scoff at none although they give Occasion.

66th
Be not froward but friendly and Courteous; the first to Salute hear and answer & be not Pensive when it's a time to Converse.
Do not detract from others nor be overbearing in giving orders.

67th
Detract not from others neither be excessive in Commanding.
Do not go where you are not wanted. Do not give unasked-for advice.

68th
Go not thither, where you know not, whether you Shall be Welcome or not. Give not Advice without being Asked & when desired do it briefly.
If two people disagree, do not take one side or the other. Be flexible in your own opinions and when you don't care, take the majority opinion.

69th
If two contend together take not the part of either unconstrained; and be not obstinate in your own Opinion, in Things indifferent be of the Major Side.
Do not correct others when it is not your place to do so.

70th
Reprehend not the imperfections of others for that belongs to Parents Masters and Superiors.

71st
Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of Others and ask not how they came. What you may Speak in Secret to your Friend deliver not before others.

72nd
Speak not in an unknown Tongue in Company but in your own Language and that as those of Quality do and not as the Vulgar; Sublime matters treat Seriously.

73rd
Think before you Speak pronounce not imperfectly nor bring out your Words too hastily but orderly & distinctly.

74th
When Another Speaks be attentive your Self and disturb not the Audience if any hesitate in his Words help him not nor Prompt him without desired, Interrupt him not, nor Answer him till his Speech be ended.

75th
In the midst of Discourse ask not of what one treateth but if you Perceive any Stop because of your coming you may well intreat him gently to Proceed: If a Person of Quality comes in while your Conversing it's handsome to Repeat what was said before.

76th
While you are talking, Point not with your Finger at him of Whom you Discourse nor Approach too near him to whom you talk especially to his face.

77th
Treat with men at fit Times about Business & Whisper not in the Company of Others.
Don't compare yourselves amongst yourselves.

78th
Make no Comparisons and if any of the Company be Commended for any brave act of Virtue, commend not another for the Same.
Do not be quick to talk about something when you don't have all the facts.

79th
Be not apt to relate News if you know not the truth thereof. In Discoursing of things you Have heard Name not your Author always A Secret Discover not.

80th
Be not Tedious in Discourse or in reading unless you find the Company pleased therewith.
Do not be curious about the affairs of others.

81st
Be not Curious to Know the Affairs of Others neither approach those that Speak in Private.
Do not start what you cannot finish. Keep your promises.

82nd
Undertake not what you cannot Perform but be Careful to keep your Promise.

83rd
When you deliver a matter do it without Passion & with Discretion, however mean the Person be you do it too.

84th
When your Superiors talk to any Body hearken not neither Speak nor Laugh.

85th
In Company of these of Higher Quality than yourself Speak not til you are asked a Question then Stand upright put of your Hat & Answer in few words.

86th
In Disputes, be not So Desirous to Overcome as not to give Liberty to each one to deliver his Opinion and Submit to the Judgment of the Major Part especially if they are Judges of the Dispute.

87th
Let thy carriage be such as becomes a Man Grave Settled and attentive to that which is spoken. Contradict not at every turn what others Say.

88th
Be not tedious in Discourse, make not many Digressions, nor repeat often the Same manner of Discourse.
Do not speak badly of those who are not present.

89th
Speak not Evil of the absent for it is unjust.

90th
Being Set at meat Scratch not neither Spit Cough or blow your Nose except there's a Necessity for it.

91st
Make no Show of taking great Delight in your Victuals, Feed not with Greediness; cut your Bread with a Knife, lean not on the Table neither find fault with what you Eat.

92nd
Take no Salt or cut Bread with your Knife Greasy.

93rd
Entertaining any one at the table, it is decent to present him with meat; Undertake not to help others undesired by the Master.

94th
If you Soak bread in the Sauce let it be no more than what you put in your Mouth at a time and blow not your broth at Table but Stay till Cools of it Self.

95th
Put not your meat to your Mouth with your Knife in your hand neither Spit forth the Stones of any fruit Pie upon a Dish nor Cast anything under the table.

96th
It's unbecoming to Stoop much to ones Meat Keep your Fingers clean & when foul wipe them on a Corner of your Table Napkin.
Don't take so big a bite that you must chew with your mouth open.

97th
Put not another bit into your mouth till the former be swallowed. Let not your morsels be too big for the jowls.

98th
Drink not nor talk with your mouth full; neither gaze about you while you are drinking.

99th
Drink not too leisurely nor yet too hastily. Before and after drinking, wipe your lips; breath not then or ever with too great a noise, for its uncivil.

100th
Cleanse not your teeth with the table cloth napkin, fork, or knife; but if others do it, let it be done without a peep to them.

101st
Rinse not your mouth in the presence of others.

102nd
It is out of use to call upon the company often to eat; nor need you drink to others every time you drink.

103rd
In the company of your betters, be not longer in eating than they are; lay not your arm but only your hand upon the table.

104th
It belongs to the chiefest in company to unfold his napkin and fall to meat first, but he ought then to begin in time & to dispatch with dexterity that the slowest may have time allowed him.

105th
Be not angry at the table whatever happens & if you have reason to be so, show it not; put on a cheerful countenance especially if there be strangers, for good humor makes one dish of meat a feast.

106th
Set not yourself at the upper of the table; but if it be your due or that the master of the house will have it so, contend not, least you should trouble the company.
Show interest in others conversation, but don't talk with your mouth full.

107th
If others talk at the table, be attentive but talk not with meat in your mouth.

108th
When you speak of God or his attributes, let it be seriously & with reverence. Honor & obey your natural parents although they be poor.

109th
Let your recreations be manful not sinful.
Don't allow yourself to become jaded, cynical or calloused.

110th
Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.
Finis

Ode to the contraband rabbit

2007-06-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Dedicated to my brother, the responsible owner
who brought home a rabbit that mother was allergic to
and was found out... to the exile of rabbit.
Love me not, if your love cannot be lasting
Court me not, if the courtship must be short
the blame is on you, to so harm me
withholding the knowledge of the end
That I am not worthy to eat your food, breath your air, dwell in your household
so be it, may that fate had not handed me to you
For I would rather live my life alone, then be made to love and then wrenched from that which my heart has so fond
The memory of a caress pains more than a dull existence
Before, I lived in hope
you taught me despair
never again shall I greet so trustingly, the one who visits my room
never again shall I follow so willingly, the finger that points to my sustenance
i shall be dull, and not delight
For affection is a cruel weight to bear
And I put it to you, to have indulged so in your own pleasures
to have smiled at me and won my heart
to have seeked my price and paid it
to have hidden me where i was sure to be found
and I was content, to be locked away
In darkness, my ears prick for your presence
I lived for you, have you lived for me?
Surely my love is the equal of yours
And thus my worth your peer
I do not love this leaving
and perhaps, yes, many words were said in passion
look often in at me, though I may belong to another
For once established, my heart contains no other
touch me once more, before the leaving
hold me a feed me a last piece of lettuce
our parting shall be as a quiet requiem
no harsh words
remember how I shall miss you most profoundly

Bollywood should hire me to write, if I do say so myself.

Vitas- Opera 2

2007-06-02T06:47:00.001-07:00

love the music.

what we think we know: possible doubts

2007-06-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

'No solution' found in more trees
Planting trees to curb the effects of global warming is unlikely to work.

Tree planting warning over global warming

Ethanol cars may not be healthier
Ethanol vehicles may have worse effects on human health than conventional petrol, US scientists have warned.
Snowy forests 'increase warming'
Planting trees in snowy areas may worsen global warming as their canopies absorb sunlight which would otherwise be reflected by the snow, a study says.
Rwanda's underwater powerhouse
Africa is the continent which will suffer the worst effects of climate change.
It also has some of the answers.

from climatecrisis.net

2007-06-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

From www.climatecrisis.net
HELP BRING ABOUT CHANGE LOCALLY, NATIONALLY AND INTERNATIONALLY
Your actions to reduce global warming can extend beyond how you personally reduce your own emissions. We all have influence on our schools, workplaces, businesses, and on society through how we make purchases, invest, take action, and vote. Here are some ways you can have a positive effect on global warming.
Encourage your school or business to reduce emissionsYou can extend your positive influence on global warming well beyond your home by actively encouraging other to take action. Download our toolkits for schools and businesses to take action outside of your home.
Join the virtual marchThe Stop Global Warming Virtual March is a non-political effort to bring all Americans concerned about global warming together in one place. Add your voice to the hundreds of thousands of other Americans urging action on this issue.
Encourage the switch to renewable energySuccessfully combating global warming requires a national transition to renewable energy sources such as solar, wind and biomass. These technologies are ready to be deployed more widely but there are regulatory barriers impeding them. Take action to break down those barriers with Vote Solar.
Protect and conserve forest worldwideForests play a critial role in global warming: they store carbon. When forests are burned or cut down, their stored carbon is release into the atmosphere -- deforestation now accounts for about 20% of carbon dioxide emissions each year. Conservation International has more information on forests and global warming.
Consider the impact of your investmentsIf you invest your money, you should consider the impact that your investments and savings will have on global warming. You can learn more about how to ensure your money is being invested in companies, products and projects that address issues related to climate change here and here.
Make your city coolCities and states around the country have taken action to stop global warming by passing innovative transportation and energy saving legislation. 194 cities nationwide representing over 40 million people have made this pledge as part of the U.S. Mayors Climate Protection Agreement. Find out how to make your city a cool city.
Tell Congress to actThe McCain Lieberman Climate Stewardship and Innovation Act would set a firm limit on carbon dioxide emissions and then use free market incentives to lower costs, promote efficiency and spur innovation. Tell your representative to support it.
Make sure your voice is heard!We must have a stronger commitment from our government in order to stop global warming and implement solutions and such a commitment won come without a dramatic increase in citizen lobbying for new laws with teeth. Get the facts about U.S. politicians and candidates at Project Vote Smart and The League of Conservation Voters. Make sure your voice is heard by voting!
REDUCE YOUR IMPACT AT HOME
Most emissions from homes are from the fossil fuels burned to generate electricity and heat. By using energy more efficiently at home, you can reduce your emissions and lower your energy bills by more than 30%.
In addition, since agriculture is responsible for about a fifth of the world greenhouse gas emissions, you can reduce your emissions simply by watching what you eat.
Here how:
Replace a regular incandescent light bulb with a compact fluorescent light bulb (cfl)CFLs use 60% less energy than a regular bulb. This simple switch will save about 300 pounds of carbon dioxide a year. If every family in the U.S. made the switch, we reduce carbon dioxide by more than 90 billion pounds! You can purchase CFLs online from the Energy Federation.
Move your thermostat down 2?in winter and up 2?in summerAlmost half of the energy we use in our homes goes to heating and cooling. You could save about 2,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year with this simple adjustment. The American Council for an Energy Efficient Economy has more tips for saving energy on heating and cooling.
Clean or replace filters on your furnace and air conditioner Cleaning a dirty air filter can save 350 pounds of carbon dioxide a year.
Install a programmable thermostatProgrammable thermostats will automatically lower the heat or air conditioning at night and raise them again in the morning. They can save you $100 a year on your energy bill.
Choose energy efficient appliances when making new purchases Look for the Energy Star label on new appliances to choose the most efficient models. If each household in the U.S. replaced its existing appliances with the most efficient models available, we eliminate 175 million tons of carbon dioxide emissions every year!
Wrap your water heater in an insulation blanket Youl save 1,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year with this simple action. You can save another 550 pounds per year by setting the thermostat no higher than 120 degrees Fahrenheit.
Use less hot water It takes a lot of energy to heat water. You can use less hot water by installing a low flow showerhead (350 pounds of carbon dioxide saved per year) and washing your clothes in cold or warm water (500 pounds saved per year) instead of hot.
Use a clothesline instead of a dryer whenever possibleYou can save 700 pounds of carbon dioxide when you air dry your clothes for 6 months out of the year.Turn off electronic devices youe not usingSimply turning off your television, DVD player, stereo, and computer when youe not using them will save you thousands of pounds of carbon dioxide a year.
Unplug electronics from the wall when youe not using them Even when turned off, things like hairdryers, cell phone chargers and televisions use energy. In fact, the energy used to keep display clocks lit and memory chips working accounts for 5 percent of total domestic energy consumption and spews 18 million tons of carbon into the atmosphere every year!
Only run your dishwasher when there a full load and use the energy-saving settingYou can save 100 pounds of carbon dioxide per year.
Insulate and weatherize your home Properly insulating your walls and ceilings can save 25% of your home heating bill and 2,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year. Caulking and weather-stripping can save another 1,700 pounds per year. The Consumer Federation of America has more information on how to better insulate your home.
Be sure youe recycling at home You can save 2,400 pounds of carbon dioxide a year by recycling half of the waste your household generates. Earth 911 can help you find recycling resources in your area.Buy recycled paper products It takes less 70 to 90% less energy to make recycled paper and it prevents the loss of forests worldwide.
Plant a treeA single tree will absorb one ton of carbon dioxide over its lifetime. Shade provided by trees can also reduce your air conditioning bill by 10 to 15%. The Arbor Day Foundation has information on planting and provides trees you can plant with membership.Get a home energy audit Many utilities offer free home energy audits to find where your home is poorly insulated or energy inefficient. You can save up to 30% off your energy bill and 1,000 pounds of carbon dioxide a year. Energy Star can help you find an energy specialist.
Switch to green powerIn many areas, you can switch to energy generated by clean, renewable sources such as wind and solar. The Green Power Network is a good place to start to figure out what available in your area.
Buy locally grown and produced foods The average meal in the United States travels 1,200 miles from the farm to your plate. Buying locally will save fuel and keep money in your community.
Buy fresh foods instead of frozen Frozen food uses 10 times more energy to produce.
Seek out and support local farmers markets They reduce the amount of energy required to grow and transport the food to you by one fifth. You can find a farmer market in your area at the USDA website.
Buy organic foods as much as possibleOrganic soils capture and store carbon dioxide at much higher levels than soils from conventional farms. If we grew all of our corn and soybeans organically, we remove 580 billion pounds of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere!
Avoid heavily packaged products You can save 1,200 pounds of carbon dioxide if you cut down your garbage by 10%.
Eat less meat Methane is the second most significant greenhouse gas and cows are one of the greatest methane emitters. Their grassy diet and multiple stomachs cause them to produce methane, which they exhale with every breath.

REDUCE YOUR IMPACT WHILE ON THE MOVE
Almost one third of the carbon dioxide produced in the United States comes from our cars, trucks and airplanes. Here are some simple, practical things you can do to reduce the amount of carbon dioxide you produce while on the move.
Reduce the number of miles you drive by walking, biking, carpooling or taking mass transit wherever possibleAvoiding just 10 miles of driving every week would eliminate about 500 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions a year! Click here to find transit options in your area.Start a carpool with your coworkers or classmatesSharing a ride with someone just 2 days a week will reduce your carbon dioxide emissions by 1,590 pounds a year. eRideShare.com runs a free national service connecting commuters and travelers.
Keep your car tuned upRegular maintenance helps improve fuel efficiency and reduces emissions. When just 1% of car owners properly maintain their cars, nearly a billion pounds of carbon dioxide are kept out of the atmosphere.
Check your tires weekly to make sure theye properly inflated Proper inflation can improve gas mileage by more than 3%. Since every gallon of gasoline saved keeps 20 pounds of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere, every increase in fuel efficiency makes a difference
When it is time for a new car, choose a more fuel efficient vehicleYou can save 3,000 pounds of carbon dioxide every year if your new car gets only 3 miles per gallon more than your current one. You can get up to 60 miles per gallon with a hybrid! You can find information on fuel efficiency here and here.
Try car sharingNeed a car but don want to buy one? Community car sharing organizations provide access to a car and your membership fee covers gas, maintenance and insurance. Many companies ?such as Flexcar -- offer low emission or hybrid cars too! Also, see ZipCar.
Try telecommuting from homeTelecommuting can help you drastically reduce the number of miles you drive every week. For more information, check out the Telework Coalition.
Fly lessAir travel produces large amounts of emissions so reducing how much you fly by even one or two trips a year can reduce your emissions significantly. You can also offset your air travel by investing in renewable energy projects.

Thoughts on the Taiwan vs China problem

2007-05-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

I don't usually talk about politics and I'm not going to make it a rule in the future to do so.
Something I learnt in History class today while we were talking about America: melting pot or salad bar.
Over-stressing multi-culturism can only create conflict. The main difference between our countries is that the governments are entirely separate entities. We are not struggling to be independent, we are struggling to throw off a lie. The government of China is working on a concept that "as long as many people say it is so, then it is so." 指鹿為馬,三人成虎.And because of various interest related issues many countries are willing to agree to this lie. This is one of the murkiest, most dishonorable and mal-intentioned hoaxes of the century. Even the Chinese government knows that it is acting in a way that is far from effective materialistically, that's why they delight in pouncing on every little attempt of Taiwan to declare independence from China - it shows that we are insecure about our true position in this matter. We're sucked into a 詭辯 on another person's game rules, this is something we are incapable of winning. What I suggest the ROC government to do is to ignore China's claims and threats and instead focus on building up economy (including equity), culture, welfare and efficiency. This not only will buy us credibility, but allow us more leverage in this issue. We shouldn't waste our time and resources fighting a senseless battle where we know we are right, but by becoming better prove taht we are who we say we are, no buts.
After writing this in my notebook, I came across an article in the newspaper talking about a new party in Taiwan made up of younger politicians espousing this idea - of lightening the issue on independence or not and focusing on the middle to left ground. (sorry I'm such a horrid translator) . Hmm... party to watch.

Medicins Sans Frontieres

2007-05-12T05:05:00.000-07:00

Our school invited a doctor named Raymond Soong who had participated in ‘Medicins sans frontieres’ (Doctors without borders) to give a speech this Saturday. He had been inspired to participate after he had viewed a photo show in Taipei made by the organization and (by chance) encountered doctors from said organization while he was trekking solo in Tibet. At the time he had just graduated from Medical school. He went on to get two years residency to build up on experience and a course in tropical diseases to qualify for a mission.
In his speech he mentioned how the AIDS problem exacerbates a country’s economical problems and creates a vicious cycle. When the life expectancy in a country goes from an average of 48 to 25, it spells disaster for the country. Parents hardly see their children grown up, and the working class is seriously cut off – being unable to form due to the lack of adults. Thus, any sort of economical growth is hindered. Having access to medicine would extend their lives at least a decade, which would allow them to see their children to adulthood and work for an extra ten years. But they usually only earn one dollar a year and the medicine has to be taken daily and continually – costing more than a dollar for each day. This becomes a no decision problem. They can’t possibly hope to afford the medicine when they can’t buy food to survive. That’s why there have been NPOs lobbying medicine companies to let go of their patent privileges and/or lower the cost of AIDS medicine.
Though the medicine for Tuberculosis is less expensive and accessible, the decision for doctors in remote areas to send Tuberculosis patients to city Tuberculosis centers for treatments is still a no decision. That is – the doctor can’t send the patient to the city for treatment. The reason is because Tuberculosis medicines have to be taken continually for about six months for total recovery. If the medicine is stopped for a while, the disease likely isn’t eradicated and may flair up in a form that has developed resistance to the current drug. This form of tuberculosis may spread in the district and by the time a Tuberculosis center is set up near or in the area it may be impossible to cure. That is the problem that currently plagues Russia’s Tuberculosis victims. Nonprofit organizations had set up shop in Russia when they were allowed and started providing medicine for Tuberculosis patients. Due to political problems they were often forced to abandon their project midway, which resulted in a great deal of less than cured patients with drug resistant bacteria dwelling in their chests. In Liberia, the interruption is usually because the patient cannot support him or herself in the city. Jobs are difficult to find in the big city, even for healthy individuals, what chance does that leave for those who are sick? A lot of times patients run home because of this and the treatment has to be interrupted. So doctors are faced with the difficult decision of not sending the patients for treatment for fear of the long-term consequences it may have on the Tuberculosis population.
Doctor Soong stresses how we humans have such incredibly wonderful possibilities, which can often be hindered by how we often set limitations for ourselves. He says that if we truly desire to do something, we would try to surmount all obstacles in order to gain our heart’s desire. We often give ourselves excuses. But if something wants to be done, then we must set out now. Ask the practical questions – why, what, when, where, and how – instead of dwelling on the difficulties that may arise. Difficulties and sacrifice there will be, but a castle is never built by simply scheming about it. The best way to do anything is to just go ahead.
Doctor Soong also introduced a novel idea to us in his speech – the fact that aid to Africa cannot simply be about money. He says that though the people need the money, they often detest the givers that give it. Giving has to have a quality of respect – the giver respects the receiver and the receiver respects the giver. Simply giving charity isn’t something that they enjoy. They desire respect and care in the action. This reminds me of an old Chinese story that talks about a famine. A charitable man went to the place where the famine was occurring and handed out food. He saw a starving man staggering by him and called out “Here, come get food!” The starving man was angered by the charitable man’s attitude and said “I would rather starve then eat food from a rude hand.” And he did. So in our care for Africa we must not simply dispense our duty by giving them charity, attitude matters. It is a delicate and important issue when considering aid.
Though Doctor Soong says that giving is a wonderful joy, there are still many difficulties in the task as a Doctor of MSF. First of all is the disparity between ideals and facts. Despite how empowering such an ideal may be, it is drudging, difficult, extremely soul tiring work. One cannot imagine how it is until one is truly there doing it… facing the lack of resources and hands, the endless over-surge of patients and the sense that one’s work has not made as much impact is wished for. A doctor at MSF once joked that the best thing a doctor can do before he left is not to make things worst than they are. The work is important, it saves lives, but it is still very tiring on the soul. That is why most missions MSF undertakes do not involves doctors staying in areas above a year. After a year it often becomes routine, and if the doctor loses passion for the job not only is it bleak for the doctor but does no good for the patients as well. Think of it as intensive cram school and you’ll get the picture. Doctor Soong went through extremely difficult lows during his time there and almost considered quitting at a time. However, he still extended his three month trial period to a ten month mission. He says that the idea of going back to do the work is still appealing. But when he thinks about it doing it throughout his life may soon lose it’s appeal. He believes that it will be more fulfilling if he can inspire others to follow him the next time he goes back. And that is what he has been doing upon his return to Taiwan – making speeches and showing pictures of his trip to inspire the people in Taiwan to help those in countries less privileged than ours.
Finally he encouraged us to travel widely, best of all solo, and by doing so learn how to solve problems independently. He says that we should start from the easier countries, like Japan or Western Europe, and then gradually work into the more remote and difficult places, like India and Tibet. Basically I believe he is stating this from the viewpoint of one who has had parents who could support such ventures and has benefited greatly from such travels. The things we can do as people who cannot afford such adventures may be by volunteering in local benefits and programs.
Last of all his overall speech tells us that it is important to help, but we must follow our heart in this matter. Only if we are willing to give will the giving be meaningful.
MSF website: http://www.msf.org.au/index.shtml
Latest on AIDS medicine crisis by MSF: http://www.msf.org.au/stories/twfeature/2007/163-twf.shtml

Breaking rules: He's either going to be a winner or somebody'll try to kill him

2007-05-09T05:35:00.000-07:00

A REBEL-TURNED-GOVERNOR TAKES THE WHEEL IN INDONESIANew York Times - April 14, 2007
By SETH MYDANSBIREUN, IndonesiaTHE little green car accelerated around a mountain curve and flashed through a village here in Aceh Province, scattering chickens, children, dust and pebbles.It swerved past potholes, skidding precisely to the edge of the road before speeding ahead.At the wheel was Irwandi Yusuf, the new governor of Aceh, and he was racing into the hills to catch illegal loggers by surprise.“I have to do it myself,” he said, his foot on the accelerator. “I couldn’t rely on law enforcement. I don’t know who I can trust.”Mr. Irwandi, 47, is a one-man political science experiment, a separatist rebel who has, quite unexpectedly, become the leader of the government he until recently had fought against.Under a peace agreement signed in 2005, Mr. Irwandi renounced his separatist agenda. He ran for governor last December and won, taking almost 40 percent of the vote in a field of eight. The second-place finisher was also a former member of the separatist movement, bringing its total to more than 50 percent of the votes cast.Mr. Irwandi took office at the start of February and is now guarded by the army that once hunted him in the jungle. He works with a police force that was known for its brutal treatment of his comrades. He travels to Jakarta to talk policy with President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono, himself a former general.He has no alternative but to leave the past behind, he said. Most of the people he works with are his former enemies.Military intelligence still watches him, he said, as it did in the past, and he expects his most determined opponents to try to complicate his job with political manipulations. But the agreement that ended Aceh’s 30-year separatist war, after the deaths of 15,000 people, is holding, and both sides seem to have embraced nonviolence.Mr. Irwandi has inherited a wounded province of four million people here on the northern tip of the island of Sumatra. The traumas of its long, brutal conflict have been compounded by the devastation of the Asian tsunami that took 170,000 lives in Aceh in December 2004.Along with economic revival he must deal with the reintegration of former rebel fighters, delicate relations with Jakarta, Islamist clerics and a local administration that is known for corruption and ineffectiveness.In a doubly unusual move for a new governor who is also a former rebel, he has decided to keep the old administration in place, cabinet ministers and all.“I tell them, ‘I believe, I trust you all,’ ” he said. “ ‘You are all trustworthy until you prove otherwise. Then I will know.’ ”If they are up to it, he said, they are welcome to “rock and roll” with him.“Rock and roll,” he said. “That means to do something new, rocky, that was never felt before. It is spirit. Spirited people. Young blood. Young spirit.”AS he raced through the mountains, Mr. Irwandi talked, one after another, into three cellphones, dodging trucks and bicycles with one hand on the wheel.From the back seat, an aide handed him a Korean energy drink. He tipped his head back twice and drained the bottle.“I’m not afraid of anything,” he said, speaking of his adversaries, but sometimes driving straight toward oncoming traffic.Illegal logging, a major enterprise in Aceh, illustrates the problems he faces, and the way he means to take them on.“They have Jakarta connections and they’ve got backing from the police and the military and also civil servants,” he said. “I entered into a system with all the network there. I have no network.”He does have assistants. And as he careered through the mountains in his Toyota RAV4 sport utility vehicle, he was chased by three unmarked vans carrying what he said was his personal security team.“This is a pilot project,” he said of the logging raid. “Scare the hell out of them. I want to show them, don’t play games with me. All the government people, when they see I do what I say, they won’t have courage to play games any more.”When he reached the sawmills, after rocketing up a rutted forest road, the overseers were gone. It seems the bad guys may still have better intelligence than their new governor.But Mr. Irwandi insisted he had made his point. He took photographs of fresh-cut logs and heavy equipment that he said would be used as evidence when he made his move.“I know I can’t do it all,” he said. But he seems to be trying.Mr. Irwandi said he had felt at home in his new job from the beginning.“For me it was just like a natural transition, like I was pushed here little by little to this position,” he said, from the jungle to peace negotiations to governor. “The jobs are about the same, dealing with people.”BY training, he is a veterinarian, with a degree from a local university where he later taught. He married a student there and they now have five children, aged 4 to 16.He joined the insurgency, the Free Aceh Movement, in 1990, but took a break three years later to study for a master’s degree in veterinary science on a scholarship to Oregon State University.Back in Aceh he joined the movement’s central command, where he served as chief spokesman and propagandist and helped reorganize its military structure.In 2003, Mr. Irwandi was arrested and sentenced to nine years in prison for rebellion, and he was there behind bars, 19 months later, when the tsunami struck.“There was a big earthquake,” he said, recalling the terror of the trapped prisoners, “and then we heard a roaring noise outside the high wall. Everybody tried to escape out the front door but it was locked.”Mr. Irwandi climbed to the second floor. The walls around him were collapsing. “I didn’t know what to do,” he said.He climbed to the ceiling, punched through a layer of asbestos and clambered onto the roof, where he rode out the waves. He was one of just 40 survivors from a prison population of 278.The trauma of the tsunami led the two weary armies to reach a peace agreement, signed in August 2005. Mr. Irwandi became the rebels’ liaison with the international peacekeeping mission that, among other things, prepared the way for the election he won.As governor he works hard to stay ordinary, shunning an official mansion for a small rented house, where he receives a stream of visitors and petitioners.On the day after his raid on the loggers, Mr. Irwandi attended the inauguration of a soybean plantation here at Bireun, where he was born, about 85 miles southeast of the provincial capital, Banda Aceh.He was the only dignitary to arrive on time, and he sat patiently, cross-legged on a plastic mat, as, one after another, local officials with polished shoes arrived in convoys of polished black cars.“He’s normal, he’s normal,” said Yusuf Saidi, a farmer standing nearby, searching for words to explain his admiration for the governor. “He talks just like anybody else. People like him because he’s just like a common person. He doesn’t need any protocol. He drives his own car.”Source: New York Times - www.nytimes.com

written the day after the VT shooting

2007-04-21T06:22:00.001-07:00

In the morning I was shocked to tears when I heard about the incident at Virginia tech over bbc broadcasting. It seems at least once a week I am inclined to cry over something in the news. And I don’t even listen to the news all that consistently. A few weeks ago it was the child laborers in Southeast Asia. I don’t want it to be bad news, but if bad news were happening I would like to be informed of the truth, and the truth is all too often upsetting nowadays. I don’t believe the past were any more golden then now, but still… it is unspeakably hurtful.
Then this afternoon the teacher mentioned the incident, but didn’t elaborate, so the students listened to it stoically, for our classes were on schedule and we were a few classes behind. I was not so emotional now, for I felt what has happened has happened. Grieving over it won’t help anything now. The only thing to be done is to think of what to do to prevent a tragedy like this to ever occur again.
And then in the evening a radio program asked a professor on international relations to explain this incident to the public in Taiwan. The professor said that guns have been a problem in the States for a long time. Before, it was needed because people generally did not trust the government to protect them and had to rely on themselves, so they had guns. But the government in America has come a long way since the pioneering times and that calls for a different set of rules on gun regulation. However, gun regulation has not been following the times, because there have been private organizations centered around rifle shooting and such that are against any changes that will inhibit ownership of guns. They would get together and make sure that no congress member who supports regulation on artillery can survive a reelection. The professor claims that such groups have great influence. Besides, for a lot of people in rural areas of America, owning guns is a right.
I must say I do not find the argument of owning guns to protect one’s home and family convincing considering the times. If you buy a gun there is always the potential of using it, and if that potential doesn’t arrive in the figure of a deer or a hostile intruder, then in arrives in the figure of your careless or hotheaded youngster, yourself in a moment of irrational rage…etc. Though owning a gun is not as dangerous to your very young children as owning a swimming pool, its risk still outweighs its worth. The professor also said that if guns were allowed for sale in Taiwan, it would profit the bad guys far more than it would profit the good guys.
But then, I’m prejudiced. For I’ve always thought one could employ one’s time far more profitably than in hunting.
Then in the evening there came the news that the killer was Asian, and then a report that all the Taiwanese students in Virginia Tech were safe and sound. My mother said “The killer wasn’t Taiwanese, was he?” She seemed so sure that the killer was male, not female. And then I realized that I had believed the killer was male too, and I didn’t remember if it was ever mentioned what the killer’s gender was. And the notion that the killer was Asian was worrying, for though I believe that most Americans are perfectly rational people, I look at 911 and do not completely trust that racial hatred will not spring up because of this incident. And if the killer were Taiwanese it would hurt Taiwan’s image horribly. Considering how precarious our country’s position is when being faced with little acknowledgement of sovereignty due to pressure from mainland China, it really cannot afford further alienation from America.
Rummings on this subject suddenly brought to mind a conversation I had with my brother a few days ago. He said that suppose one day Taiwan’s military up and decided to revolt against central government. I said no, that’s impossible, because Taiwan military mostly consists of those serving for a little more than a year in their life in order to fulfill the government’s edict about every Taiwanese male past the age of 18 needing to serve in the military for 20 months. Most of them never wanted to be in the army, and since they have to what they mostly dream of during the time is to get this over quickly so they can get on with their lives – continue education, try to earn a cushy desk job, dating, playing computer games… etc. They can’t possibly want to join a revolt since life out there is so tantalizing and life in the army is simply a temporary derail. This may be revealing our military weakness to China, but I’m sure since they have so many cunning people they must have worked out the Taiwan situation themselves and have an attack plan all laid out now so it shouldn’t matter what I say of what I know. I don’t doubt that eventually Taiwan will become a part of China, though I little savor the idea. It is simply a matter of when, and by what means. It is a frightening thought. For in that when, will China allow us the freedom that we enjoy today? There has been so many tales of oppression, corruption and neglect in China that I can not be optimistic if such a thing came to pass.
Then I heard the killer was Korean. It did little to ameliorate my feelings.

children's sense of time and a lesson learnt

2007-04-21T06:21:00.001-07:00

Life seems to flow much more quickly than when I was a child. It is as though I can remember yesterday as the year 2003, and cannot ascertain the time that passed between as something of prominence as clearly as time seemed to pass so slowly in my childhood and it seemed I could recall moments of never believing that I would be in time to grow up, and wield responsibility, and learn all the grownup things that seemed beyond my reach at the time. But I was optimistic, I did not fret. And it came, growing up, until suddenly one realizes that it is difficult to stop the flow of time, and as my years build so does the sand seem to trickle out faster. I wonder why there is such a disparity between a child’s notion of time and a young adult’s.
One of the effects that children display of this sensation is the inability to stay still. But perhaps I am getting ahead of myself. Perhaps it is because children have less on their minds then us, and less to do, so they can observe the feel things in acute reality. And that is partly why it is a great evil to treat a child with cruelty (like child abuse and child labor) because children are at their most sensitive. And any harsh punishment or dire circumstance can be felt more keenly by children then if subjected to adults, who are often more used to and insensate of the pain. I recall that horror movies would terrify me for a whole month after viewing them when I was a child. But now the sensation of horror movies are more easy to shake off. Because of this, I definitely support rating movies. Often we as grownups are not able to realize the impact certain movies can have on children. It is better to be safe than sorry. There are a lot of perfectly good movies and cartoons I’m sure children can benefit from. In fact, I believe that it is best not to let children watch television that much. Reading, drawing, writing, some sports and learning some instrument should be adequate for a young child past time.
I was walking home today and I thought of how I had consciously commanded myself to stop storing memories as particularly fond. I wonder at myself. Though I can now spare myself the pain of seeking something that never was – the places and instances that appear perfect in nostalgia, nor am I allowed to build new memories of fonder moments. Is it because I have commanded myself not to love moments, is it because I haven’t come across anything particularly memorable, or is it because I have stopped bearing the perception of a child, and it is the child’s memories that gives one the most acute senses of pleasure and nostalgia?
The past few days I have been at camp. It has been an exhausting experience. But besides that it was fun. It was something worth storing in one’s room of memories. It was memorable. But I do not want to relive it – yet. Maybe someday when I’m low and feeling my age in my bones I’ll start wishing for the time when I could hike for the whole day under the sun with my (also young) classmates playing activities and singing away our voices at night.
There is one particular game I want to share. We had to cross an imaginary river (in this case it was the gravel walk in the camp) on limited scraps of newspaper. The other class (there are two classes in a ‘camp’) is suppose to do anything to prevent your class from being successful: By whisking away unattended newspaper, by blocking the path…etc. Our classmates decided to carry each other across on our backs. Brave, but stupid, because on hindsight we did have enough paper to cross without resorting to carrying each other. Anyway, the camp before us had competed furiously, sprinkling water on the paper so it would stick to the path and tear easily, forming a human wall…etc. It even came to blows, bites and arguments. In our camp my class went first. At first the opposing class whisked away unattended paper with grins, but later into the game some of them started vocally saying “Let’s not take away their paper anymore. They have a difficult enough time as it is. This is no fun.” Perhaps we looked hurt and unhappy and some of us looked angry. When it came to be their turn to play none of our classmates made a move to aggrieve them. None of us wanted to take away their paper or impede them in any way. We had learnt the lesson. Instead, it was up to the camp counselor to take away their unattended paper.
This game has taught me something. If someone is going through a difficult time, it would only aggravate the situation if you attempt to goad the person into doing better by making it more difficult. What we should do is help each other. And that’s that.

2007-04-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

Dutch soldiers stress respect in Afghanistan By C.J. Chivers Friday, April 6, 2007 The International Herald TribuneQala-e-Surkh, Afghanistan: The Dutch infantrymen stood on a ridge near the Baluchi Valley, an area in south-central Afghanistan controlled by the Taliban and tribes opposed to the central government.Whenever they push farther, the soldiers said, they swiftly come under fire from rifles and rocket-propelled grenades. "The whole valley is pretty much hostile," said one, a machine gunner.But rather than advancing for reconnaissance or to attack, the Dutch soldiers pulled back to a safer village. "We're not here to fight the Taliban," said the Dutch commander, Colonel Hans van Griensven, at a recent staff meeting. "We're here to make the Taliban irrelevant."Thousands of fresh Western troops have flowed into Afghanistan since last year, seeking to counter the resurgent Taliban before an expected spring offensive. Many U.S. units have been conducting sweeps and raids.But here in Uruzgan Province, where the Taliban operate openly, a Dutch-led task force has mostly shunned combat. Its counterinsurgency tactics emphasize efforts to improve Afghan living conditions and self-governance, rather than hunting the Taliban's fighters. Bloodshed is out. Reconstruction, mentoring and diplomacy are in.U.S. military officials have expressed unease about the Dutch method, warning that if the Taliban are not kept under military pressure in Uruzgan, they will use the province as a haven and project their insurgency into neighboring provinces.The Dutch counter that construction projects and consistent political and social support will lure the population from the Taliban, allowing the central and provincial governments to expand their authority over the long term.Insurgency and counterinsurgency tactics have long been subjects of intensive tinkering and debate, as military and police forces from different nations, and even different units within nations, have chosen conflicting approaches.The Dutch-led force of about 2,000 soldiers has adopted what counterinsurgency theorists call the "oil spot" approach. Under this tactic, it concentrates efforts in less hostile areas, especially a basin around Tarin Kowt, the provincial capital, which overlaps an economic development zone designated by Hamid Karzai, the Afghan president.The central idea is that if foreign military forces show restraint and respect, and help the local government to govern, then these areas will expand, slowly but persistently, like an oil stain across a shirt. As they grow, the theory says, the Taliban's standing will decline.To date, the Dutch, aided by U.S. soldiers and contractors who train Afghan police and soldiers, have helped Afghan units to coordinate security and build police posts. Simultaneously, they have sent teams of specialists and Australian engineers to choose development projects and plan them with village leaders.They have built or repaired schools, mosques, police garrisons, courtrooms and a hospital inside the more secure areas. A bridge and a police training center are under construction or in design. They also have opened a trade school that teaches Afghan laborers basic job skills, including carpentry and generator repair.To encourage expansion of the government's influence, the Dutch infantry conducts patrols around the secure zones, and reconstruction teams try to identify future projects and allies who can extend the ring of influence."Inside the inner ring, we try to do a lot of long-lasting development projects," said Lieutenant Colonel Gert-Jan Kooij, the operations officer of the task force. "It's not like it is 100 percent safe there. It never is. But it's permissive at least. And by showing that we have projects in the permissive areas, we hope the people in other areas will see that it gets better when they work with their government."Such counterinsurgency tactics are not new; they are only back in vogue, with a new generation of officers drawing lessons from past military operations in Indonesia, Malaysia, Borneo, Vietnam and elsewhere.Similar tactics have reappeared in U.S. units in Iraq, as both the Army and the Marine Corps have been rewriting doctrine along the same lines.But the Dutch have embraced the theory more fully than most, to the point that most Dutch units now take extraordinary steps to avoid military escalation and risks of damage to property or harm to civilians. (When armored vehicles damaged a grove of mulberry trees, a captain came by the next day to negotiate a compensation payment for the farmers.)When Dutch units patrol, they usually avoid known hostile zones, which include expansive patches of Uruzgan Province. When a Dutch unit is attacked, it typically withdraws from enemy range. In areas where the Taliban are less prevalent, soldiers do not wear helmets, which the Dutch say makes them more approachable.Dutch commanders say they also draw from their army's experiences in southern Iraq from 2003 through 2005, where similar tactics were used. They say their units had better relations with Iraqis, and faced less fighting, than did U.S. units. Civilian deaths and property damage caused by U.S. tactics in Iraq and Afghanistan, they said, have hardened villagers' attitudes, which helps the insurgents with recruiting, intelligence and protection.Dutch officers say the approach has yielded promising results here.Sometimes villagers have warned them of ambushes or roadside bombs, and in several villages the Dutch are rarely attacked. Since the task force began operations last August, it has not suffered a combat fatality. Van Griensven also said the task force had developed underground contacts in Taliban-controlled regions."If you look at what we have done in eight months, I am optimistic," he said. "We have a good start with the basics."He added that he could deploy his units on sweeps, searches and raids, and chase the Taliban away. But each time after his infantry left an area, he said, the Taliban would simply move back in.Not everyone is convinced, and some participants openly worry that the formula is out of balance, undermined by too great a reluctance to use force. Large areas of Uruzgan remain Taliban havens. The local government, plagued by corruption, remains so weak that it does not yet have a significant program against soaring poppy production for the opium trade, which helps underwrite the insurgency.One Afghan translator who works with the Dutch said their approach is passive. "The Dutch, if the fight starts, they run inside their vehicles every time," said the translator, who asked that his name be withheld because he risked losing his job. "They say, 'We came for peace, not to fight.' And I say, 'If you don't fight, you cannot have peace in Afghanistan." 'A suicide car bomber hit a police checkpoint in Kabul on Friday, killing four people, including a police officer who tried to stop him, The Associated Press reported from Kabul, citing the police and witnesses.At least four other people were wounded in the attack in the western area of the Afghan capital, said the police chief, Esmatullah Daulatzai."It was a suicide attack. The attacker exploded his car when a policeman tried to stop his vehicle," Daulatzai said. There were no foreigners near the area at the time of the blast, he said.Samiullah Ahmad Rahim, a witness, said that he heard a big explosion and saw a large fireball shortly after the blast.The pieces of the vehicle were strewn around the road leading toward Afghanistan's Parliament building. Windows of the nearby buildings and shops were shattered and the blast gouged a small crater on the road.

April

2007-04-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

reading evolves: Jostein Gaarder
When I first read "Sophie's World" I was not so impressed. To me at the time, it was basically a failed attempt at putting a long philosophy lecture into story book setting. I was particularly eager to discredit it after having heard such raving accolades on that work.
But lately I have reread a little bit of 'Sophie's World' and though I have gleaned some insights in past readings, the books seens richer as I read it now. Have I grown enough to appreciate something that means to tell us something very serious under the guise of a story/ And indeed, often nowadays it seems that simple tales/novels can no longer satisfy. They must have depth, beauty, truth... some form of acknowledgement of love as a necessary part of life, for me to enjoy it.
The Solitaire Mystery, in the beginning, was vastly dull. Perhaps because I expected a story like any other, and it was going about at an extremely slow pace. Later, the pace quickened, and I was enthralled by a tales within tales. Like Sophie's World, the last part came as a great rushing Mardi Gras, with all the cards falling into place and fate playing the role of seductress and death's head. I find that I felt quite satisfied when I had finally finished the book, without quite sure of why. But I know it was not the attractions of inevitable fate that filled me, but the tidbits, here and there. The suggestions, the lovely lightbulbs that lit several times in the seam of mundanity, and the love that the author showed. The story plot, in fact, became a sort of distraction from what the writer was really trying to say. And thus beauty, failure, and adoration wove something utterly unique and mundane. A piece of driftwood from a brilliant mind. And it was love at last sight.

musings on a bus: a clear fact
I recall this piece of news a few years back about a college student who, on a dare, ran the track butt naked. He was given a strong warning by the school, almost considered for expulsion, and a wide coverage by the media.
What interested me was how upset the school - and the general public - became at this behavior. Didn't the ancient Greeks compete in athletes nude? Didn't the Egyptian children wear nothing, and the Egyptian women and early Elizabethan women go about their business bearing their breasts? Why do we make such a big deal about those places? The penis and the nipples. Perhaps the only thing it suggests to us is sexuality, and because we have gotten used to having those parts covered the idea that it may become uncovered is appalling. For the penis, we have these myths: that each person has different sizes, for example, and that size makes a difference, and the sight of the organ will inspire passion and other such inappropriate behavior in people. It would be very dismal if we were to judge our mates by their size, and also we must avoid embarrassing 'accidents'. Parts of our body have become pieces of shame rather than normal body parts. Because it is constantly covered it becomes a taboo, something only to be whispered, because it suggests 'you-know-what'. Really, it is our minds that generally wander to that area of thought. And some girls might even think the male organ grotesque and obscene because they have never seen such an organ under normal circumstances. I have, I must admit, found it extremely disgusting to be a part of a male. I have since attempted to view every piece of our bodies as something natural, for it really isn't fair to blame the plainer sex for something they can't help having.
And what are breasts but chests padded with fat? Really, these issues have become a weapon with which we can threaten others with. Our own bodies have betrayed us in that respect! Nude pictures of our ex-lovers are weapons of blackmail...
Though I am far from saying that nudity is something we should all attempt in public, I believe that there is something unnatural in a society that is so terrorized by the image of our own bodies. Things that are natural can be made evil by condemnation, and in the case of nudity this fact shines clearly.
the progress (or antiprogress) of language
It is amazing how far language has come, or receded, rather. The circumstances of the chinese language is very similar to that of the English, though varies in deatil of change. Basically we can say that for both languages in the past when education was not compulsory and literacy was low, the upper classes(excluding the women for the chinese) could play with language with prime complexity and depth. For the chinese the capability was characterized by using as little words as possible to express the most possible, which required an intimate knowledge of the various nuances of meaning and thorough understanding of past works of literature. For the English a vast repertoire of vocabulary was necessary. Both valued the beauty of structure and melody.
The first blow to this system was the compulsorization of education, which, in order to let the general public use language with ease and proficiency, generally lowered the standards until today the teachings mostly consist of what is necessary for everyday use. (for the chinese, the olde system of the language was even entirely abandoned and made way for the more colloquial system of writing which we use today, though the old system is still studied as our heritage).
The second blow was the revolution of entertainment and communication. The radio, movies, television, and telephone (not in that exact order). In some cases the devices took up most of the time that people generally spent in conversation and reading. In the case of communication systems like the telephone it allowed people instant comunication and thus less need to write - or the leisure and patience to compose a message well.
All in all, language has evolved, perhaps favorably for a conition of social and global equality. However, it comes at the lamentable price of less patience with consideration to feelings and knowledge of communication (for we get so little practice), and that is what we must strive to correct in ourselves in this age of disconnection and oblivion.

extreme

2007-03-06T02:06:00.000-08:00

I was surprised when two classmates who speak very good english claimed to 'hate America".
"Why?" I asked.
"Because of Bush and what he's doing. Americans act like they own the world. Look at Iraq."
"That's just the government. Not all Americans agree. " I said. Feeling shocked at the denouncement over an entire people based on such a cause.
the two purposefully trained themselves to speak english only with a british accent because of their hatred. One wants to study in Britain for college, the other wants to go to Germany.
I am saddened and scared by their statement. Not because I support America, but because to say what they said is extreme, and I know not how to steer them towards more moderate waters. We have given up some very important things when we embraced science and gave up classic learning. Particularly the moral lessons our forefathers have accumulated.

a rose by another name would not smell as sweet

2007-03-02T02:01:00.000-08:00

The loss of another innocence comes with fear. When fear induces us to start discrediting things at face value. Paricularly belief.
A professor at the National Taiwan University has made it his business to research 'psychic' abilities. Mainly the reading of 2D words by touch, not sight. According to my chemistry teacher, he has found that children are more adept at this than adults, and that there are actually viable results from these studies. Before you dismiss this as crack pot (as I would if I hadn't known my teacher to be a skeptic of the rigorous sort) I would like to tell you about this research my teacher supervised a few years ago.
The students conducting this research took two identical beakers and filled thme with the same amount of water. They then took pieces of paper, wrote 'beautiful' on one and 'ugly' on the other (in chinese, they have about the same number of strokes) and stuck the labels facing inwards towards the water and black papered the outside so that humans could not see what the words were. They then placed te beakers in a corner adjacent to each other so there wouldn't be the factor of them not being placed in the same area. Later they took the beakers out and froze the water so that it formed ice.
On every trial, the water from the beaker of 'beauty' consistently displayed ice particles that were large, complex, and to conventional human views - beautiful. On the other hand, the 'ugly' water could never seem to form large particles but instead always turned out as scattered, formless icy gravel.
The teacher said physic professors seemed very willing to buy into this project, while chemistry professors discredited it on sight. Unfortunately, the students entered this project in the chemistry category. They were verated and shamed out of the stadium. It was a disgrace.
I then asked the teacher if the results would be the same if the words were written in english or a foreign language that the participants did not understand would the results be the same? (for chinese has form, whilst english uses sound, and perhaps the experimentor's unconscious knowledge of the words embued some power over the results, and that would show it is human will rather than the word's 'magic' that had effected the results). She said she didn't know.
I would like to try this experiement, both with languages that are based in caricatures and languages that are made up by alphabets. Japanese is something I don't know. That may be a start. Arabic would work, too.
For it would show us taht the power of words go beyond our control, and perhaps we are not really the ones who control the creativity to things- because they already exist in the foundaments of the universe.
Philip Pullman would have had a hayday with this.
Another report I read today was how a placebo belief became reality. The researchers informed one group of maids that their daily work constituted as exercise according to FDA standards. They didn't inform the other group. An adequate amount of time later they returned and did a physical. The group that was informed had improved (healthier) BMIs while the other group stayed the same as before.
If I knew this, and told myself to believe that scurrying around the schoolyard running errands all day will keep me fit, and yet also knew that I am hynotizing myself, would the belief still be enough to work?

culture recheck

2007-02-28T02:00:00.000-08:00

perhaps I come from the vein of optimists who believe that culture can be changed at will- and often for the better. Some current natural evolutions of culture are unsavory, but all in all a passing phase for (hopefully) a better society.
Though often, for our short lives, the passing phase seems much too long.
This train of thought began because I was bored. Standing traffic duty is never very exciting, even though my southern countrymen tend to disregard traffic lights quite often, there are often lapses of extreme nothing, and though I would like very much to listen to music or read during these dulldrums it would not do for the professional image of authority.
So in my languidness (albeit remembering at intervals to maintain a straight back and grim visage) I pull in sensations from my surroundings and allow my mind to wander freely. (it is often during these daydreaming states that one happens upon the most extraordinary notions). Yesterday I experienced a sensation that lasted for a second, but which I held on desperately for a minute. It was a sensation I thought I would never be able to experience in Taiwan. Something I expected to experience (judging from movies, pictures, and books) in some quaint street corner in Europe (I find myself silly saying this). Perhaps I was slightly deluded and let reality slip up, perhaps it was a slip of sensibilities that let reality come through. All in all, I found myself feeling the bricks in the sidewalk as cheerful, with bright, gaily nodding colors (like flowers). The motorcyclists as seemed congenial, the wind blowing with a sudden clearing of a nonexistent fog (which most likely was smog) revealing a dew-sparkling, early morning world that was suddenly much more cheering and hopeful than before. An elevation of human love that was devoid of any petty selfish jealousy.
I cannot do this sensation justice with words. One must know this feeling oneself.
So I was grinning for about ten minutest with idiotic bliss yesterday while I conducted traffick. But one must not dwell on happy sensations too long else it'd grow stale. So I locked it in my memory and returned to reality so I may better enjoy hapiness some other time.
Then today as I stared with dull disinterest at the conductor (we take turns, my classmate and I, he's very handsome, just not an inspiring subject to talk to) I was seized with this urge to dance (as I often am). For my mind was wandering over the skit I had rewritten for a contest and it had snagged on the dancing laborer. i have seen on several occassions the foreign laborers who come to Taiwan clustered in groups, often sitting without care on the less than clean pavements drinking and joking. I would not be surprised if they brought music and devided to do impromptu dancing there and then. It is not unknown for certain cultures to have that habit.
And how would the Taiwanese react? Most probably with disgust. 'What a rauctious, unciviled group." Some may think. Few may lok with admiration and yearning - wanting to be a part of them and join them in their general celbration of life. None will, though. If there's anything chinese culture can cultivate, it's a timidness towards spontaneous acts of public jubilation. There may be a crowd, the most they'll do would be to clap. and After the dance they'll linger for a second and then melt away with a collective sigh of regret they cannot truly understand, because they long to join the dancing but are afraid to do so.
Most however, will look with animousity at this alien display.
Now I propose in this hypothetical situation a Taiwanese person, preferably young and good looking, decides to join them. Hypothetically, the dancers welcome him. The opinions of many would change. They would view the dance in a more favorable light.
One little factor, and the fickle crowd will turn it's head. People are never really sure of being right. Only condemnation and prejudice lets us believe that we are on stable ground, but really our beliefs are often mistaken and bigoted.
I feel that a culture that often represses such acts of happiness (except for when under the influence) isn't entirely free and happy. And that is what I want changed.

Courage

2007-02-26T07:00:00.001-08:00

In the afternoon I left a skeleton of myself
propped against the flagpole
they played an anthem
I sang no song
There was nothing to hear but the silence of breath
between the chorus of the aged cassette
and the flag, red, blue and white
creeping up the pole, limp
beggard by the voices unraised
I wondered
had my courage failed me
to stand against this strange unresponsive tide
of the masses that cared little
and then I realized I had changed within
over a month, an odd unsettling whim
to stand objective to all groups
and view them not as the entirety of a story
but the particles of their not being...
for a nation is held by belief
and when the voices are silent as they have been
even when they are free to be raised as wished
then the glues have unstuck
and the decay begins.

www.crcjustice.org

2007-02-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

Issues and Resources

Aboriginal Issues ?Canada
Aboriginal Canada Portal: www.aboriginalcanada.gc.ca
Amnesty International Canada: www.amnesty.ca/IndigenousPeoples
Assembly of First Nations: www.afn.ca
Citizens for Public Justice: www.cpj.ca
Kairos: CEJI: www.kairoscanada.org
Rainbow World: www.web.net/~tendays/rainbowplay.htm
Royal Commission on Aboriginal Peoples: www.ainc-inac.gc.ca/ch/rcap
Wiciwetowin: www.publicjustice.ca

Child Poverty ?Canada
Campaign 2000: www.campaign2000.ca
Campaign Against Child Poverty: www.childpoverty.com
Canadian Council on Social Development: www.ccsd.ca
Citizens for Public Justice: www.cpj.ca
A National Disgrace: Child Poverty in Canada Photo Exhibit: www.kodak.ca/go/photosensitive
Save the Children Canada: www.savethechildren.ca
UNICEF: www.unicef.org

Environmental Issues
A Rocha: http://en.arocha.org
Climate Action Network Canada: www.climateactionnetwork.ca
Convention on Biological Diversity Website: www.biodiv.org
Council of Canadians: www.canadians.org
Evangelical Environmental Network: www.creationcare.org
Friends of the Earth Canada: www.foecanada.org
Sierra Club of Canada: www.sierraclub.ca
Youth Environmental Network: www.yen-rej.org
An Inconvenient Truth: DVD and website (http://www.climatecrisis.net/)

HIV and AIDS
AidsChannel.org: www.aidschannel.org
Canadian AIDS Society: www.cdnaids.ca
How to Crush AIDS: www.bewint.org/issue346/title346.htm
Interagency Coalition on AIDS and Development: www.icad-cisd.com
Save the Children Canada: www.savethechildren.ca/en/whatwedo/Campaign/worldaids.htm
Shalom Seekers: www.crcjustice.org/crjs_shalom.htm
UNAIDS: www.unaids.org
We Have AIDS: www.crcjustice.org/crjs_aids.htm
World Bank HIV/AIDS at a glance: http://www1.worldbank.org/hiv_aids

Homelessness and Housing ?Canada
Gimme Shelter: www.socialjustice.org/pubs/gimmeShelter.pdf
Hobson Choice: www.realchangenews.org/hobsons/index.html
Homeless Memorial: www.geocities.com/hommem/
Housing Again: www.housingagain.web.net
Raising the Roof: www.raisingtheroof.org
Shalom Seekers: www.crcjustice.org/crjs_shalom.htm
Toronto Disaster Relief Committee: www.tdrc.net
UNHCHR: www.unhchr.ch/housing/fs21.htm
Canadian Social Research: www.canadiansocialresearch.net/homeless.htm
The Mustard Seed: http://www.theseed.ca/
Inn From the Cold: http://www.innfromthecold.org/

Human Rights
Action Guide on Human Rights: www.unac.org/en/link_learn/hr_toolkit/index.asp
Amnesty International Canada: www.amnesty.ca
Human Rights Watch: www.hrwatch.org
Office of High Commissioner for Human Rights: www.unhchr.ch
Rich Woman, Poor Woman: www.mennonitechurch.ca/resources/justice/twowomen/index.htm
Save the Children Canada: www.savethechildren.ca
Canadian Social Research: www.canadiansocialresearch.net/rights.htm

Hunger
Bread for the World: www.bread.org
Canadian Association of Food Banks: www.cafb-acba.ca
Daily Bread Food Bank: www.dailybread.ca
Hunger Notes: www.worldhunger.org
Hungry Decisions: www.churchworldservice.org/decisions
Shalom Seekers: www.crcjustice.org/crjs_shalom.htm
World Hunger: www.worldvision.ca/home/articles/Educational_Resources/Hunger1.pdf
Canadian Social Research: www.canadiansocialresearch.net/foodbkmrk.htm

International Debt
Canadian Ecumenical Jubilee Initiative: www.ceji-iocj.org/English/debt
DebtChannel.org: www.debtchannel.org
Drop the Debt: www.newint.org/issue312/title312.htm
Halifax Initiative: www.halifaxinitiative.org
Jubilee Research: www.jubilee2000uk.org
Kairos:CEJI: www.kairoscanada.org
Social Justice Committee: www.s-j-c.net
Debt in Africa: www.mcc.org/respub/occasional/22/html

International Trade
The Bead game: www.united-church.ca/websight/games/pdf/beadgame.pdf
Fair Trade Coffee Resources and Action Guide: www.oxfamamerica.org/pdfs/coffeeresourcesguide.pdf
Make Trade Fair: www.maketradefair.org
Maquila Solidarity Network: www.maquilasolidarity.org
Oxfam Campaigner on Sweatshops: www.oxfam.ca/education/index.htm
Peace on the Land: www.foodgrainsbank.ca
Trade Justice: a campaign handbook: www.christianaid.org.uk/campaign/trade/handbook
Transfair Canada: www.transfair.ca

Peace and Conflict
Amnesty International Canada: www.amnesty.ca/realsecurity/conflictdiamonds.htm
Canadian Peace Alliance: www.acp-cpa.ca
Decade to Overcome Violence: http://www2.wcc-coe.org/dov.nsf
Human Rights Watch: www.hrw.org/campaigns/crp
International Action Network on Small Arms: www.iansa.org
International Campaign to Ban Landmines: www.icbl.org
Mine Action Workbook: www.mines.gc.ca/pdf/VI_F-en.pdf
Project Ploughshares: www.ploughshares.ca
Taking aim at small arms: www.unicef.org/smallarms/exhibit
World Vision: www.wordvision.ca

Poverty and Inequality
Atlas of Global Inequality: http://ucatlas.ucsc.edu/about.html
Canadian Council on Social Development: www.ccsd.ca
Good News to the Poor: http://www.evangelicalfellowship.ca/resources/resource_viewer.asp?Resource_ID=34
In Common: http://incommon.web.ca/anglais/
Inequality.org: www.inequality.org
Poverty Net: www.worldbank.org/poverty/
RealityCheck: www.gpiatlantic.org/realitycheck
Ten Chairs Share the Wealth: www.web.net/~tendays/workshop/10chairs.html

Racism
101 Tools for Tolerance: www.splcenter.org/teachingtolerance/
Antiracist.com: www.antiracist.com
Canadian Race Relations Foundation: www.crr.ca
Crosspoint: www.magenta.nl/crosspoint
Equality Today!: www.equalitytoday.org
The KIT: www.unac.org/yfar/The_KIT.pdf
MCC Anti-Racism Program: www.mcc.org/us/peaceandjustice/racism.html
Share My World: www.sharemyworld.net
World Conference Against Racism: www.un.org/WCAR

Refugees
Amnesty International: www.amnesty.ca/Refugee
Canadian Council for Refugees: www.web.net/~ccr
Citizens for Public Justice: www.cpj.ca
Human Rights Watch: www.hrw.org/refugees
In Exile for a While: www.foodgrainsbank.ca/g4a_exile.php
Love the Sojourner: http://www.evangelicalfellowship.ca/resources/resource_viewer.asp?Resource_ID=71
UNCHR- the UN Refugee Agency: www.unchr.ca

Other Helpful Sites:
www.canadiansocialresearch.net
www.eldis.org
www.gdsourcing.ca
www.globalissues.org
http://caster.ssw.upenn.edu/~restes/praxis.html
www.etown.edu/vl/index.html
www.statcan.ca
http://hdr.undp.org
http://unstats.un.org.unsd
www.unsystem.org

Other Sites I Like:
Adbusters: http://www.adbusters.org/home/
ALOVE: http://web.salvationarmy.org.uk/alove/index.asp
Veg Powered Systems: http://www.vegpoweredsystems.com/index.htm
Future Forests: http://www.futureforests.com/
Greenpeace International: http://www.greenpeace.org/international/
Sojourners Magazine: http://www.sojo.net/
The Micah Challenge: http://www.micahchallenge.org/home/intro.asp
UN Millennium Development Goals: http://www.un.org/millenniumgoals/
International Justice Mission: http://www.ijm.org/
Democracy Now!: http://www.democracynow.org/

Judgemental

2007-02-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

WatchingHotel Rwanda

A flower does not smell as sweet as they say it does. It has, in fact, an alien scent.

The most shocking thing I learnt from the movie Rwanda Hotel was that the two peoples, the Hutus and the Tutsies, were originally one people - they had no racial difference at all! That is, until the Belgium colonists decided to separate the people into two races according to the way they looked. They chose people who had lighter skin, taller physique, and taller noses to be Tutsie. And the rest were Hutu. While they were there, they had the Tutsie in ruling class jobs, and when they left, they left the country in the hands of the Hutus. Recipe for disaster. It was a very sad movie.
How changed can a country's people be by generations of brainwashing? Can they be so callous as to deny the utility of certain policies that would make their government more efficient and less corrupt?
Perhaps it is the brainwashing and nationalism combined. Seeing as the country contains a fourth of the world's population and at least 3000 years of history, the people have something to be proud of, and many to back their claim. Or perhaps it is because those who can see reason do not usually get to go abroad. Can there be a facility where they quizz all people who are going to leave their country to be assured that all those who wish to travel abroad have a firm rooting in their brainwashing. For I've only met half a dozen Chinese who were reasonable, and they all either came from Hong Kong or were ABCs. My English teacher also says he has had bad impression of Chinese whenever he was abroad. It seems that they believe by persistently telling us we and China are one would be sufficient to win us over. It is tactless and has bad taste. I believe there are many wonderful, intelligent and peaceful people in China. I have yet to meet them, that's all.
Frustration steeps in when trying to reason with these people. They do not have a global view, they have a China view.

tremors and survival instincts

2007-02-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

currently experiencing tiny tremors - earthquake. I wonder if I should run or let fate come what may. It reminds me of the courage of characters we read about and watch in movies - a lot of them try their hardest to survive in impossibly dangerous situations. Perhaps that is why we are attracted to them, to learning their stories. As if by doing so we can eventually emulate them in their willingness to survive. I seriously doubt this, however. Whenever I think about myself in those situations I would say " I think I'll be the first to die, I'm most likely going to give up." like this earthquake. I know that small tremors may mean larger tremors, and any forewarning should be welcome - but I hate the idea of standing outside in the street clutching only a book and feeling a little too worried to read it properly while I wait for something that might come. That is what I did last time.
(The book is to fend off boredome while waiting, I carry a book with me all the time in case emergencies like waiting in line crop up. My version of hell would be an everlasting drone of boredom.)
But then, I've never been in something truly horrid. So I can't seriously say that I won't try my hardest to live. I just hope that in any case I can have the wits to make the right choices. I do know that in most emergency cases I'm calmer than I expected. I never cry or yell, I just gently spiral down to despair because I don't know what to do. Like the time I was locked up in the bathroom. I hate begging, it's so degrading and I didn't want to satisfy my jailor (my mom), so I didn't make a peep. I started looking around. In this situation, however, there was a way out. After about 5 minutes I had discreetly crawled out of this tiny airhole we had in the back of the bathroom. The thing was filled with debris like dead bugs and their excrement, but I didn't care. It only mattered to me that she was unable to control me. I just didn't want to be in there with nothing to do. In the future if I expect such things to happen frequently I should store books in the bathroom. Afterall, I was about 9 at the time and the airhole already felt a bit tight then.

miscellaneous posted articles

2007-02-12T20:08:00.000-08:00

"Welcome to the Ark" is a wonderful read. Though a bit fantastic.
Our English teacher gave us some articles to puruse. Several I found interesting. Posted below.
Chemo Has Long-term Impact on Brain Function(Washington, Reuters Health, 10/5/06)
Daniel Silverman of UCLA, Los Angeles, and team, studied 21 women whose breast tumors had been surgically removed. Sixteen had received chemotherapy and five had not. When the investigators compared positron emission tomography (PET) scans of the brains of these women with those of 13 others who had not had breast cancer, the scientists found that subjects who had undergone chemotherapy five to 10 years earlier had lower metabolism in key areas of their brains. These findings indicate that chemotherapy may produce long-term changes in brain metabolism that cause the cognitive dysfunction and confusion, dubbed hemo brain,?which patients often experience after undergoing treatment.
(Breast Cancer Research and Treatment, online edition, October 2006)
Red wines slows alzheimer's-like disease in mice
Giving mice with Alzheimer-like disease the equivalent of a couple of glasses of red wine daily slows memory loss and brain cell death, a new study shows.
The researchers calibrated the animals?wine intake to match the US Department of Agriculture definition of moderate wine consumption, a single 5-ounce glass daily for women and two glasses for men. oderate consumption is the key factor,?Dr. Giulio Maria Pasinetti of the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City said.
On a random basis, Pasinetti and his team gave mice cabernet sauvignon or ethanol -- the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages -- in their drinking water for seven months. Another group of mice drank plain water. All of the animals had a genetic defect that caused them to develop amyloid plaques in their brains, the type of damage that occurs in humans with Alzheimer disease.
The researchers then tested the animals?memory by putting them through a series of maze tests, after the animals had been alcohol-free for three days. The wine-drinking mice learned how to escape from the maze significantly faster than those drinking alcohol-spiked water or water only.
Based on the findings, and given that moderate wine consumption may protect the heart, Pasinetti said, older people in good health who don have the metabolic syndrome, high blood pressure, liver problems, issues with alcohol dependence or other reasons to avoid alcohol can choose to drink red wine moderately as part of a healthy lifestyle.
Drinking wine, he noted, is  good lifestyle factor that everybody appears to like.?BR>
Source: The FASEB Journal, November 2006.
Eating Vegetables May Help Slow Memory Loss in Elderly
By Rose Hoban Chapel Hill, NC30 October 2006

New research from the Rush University Medical Center in Chicago indicates your mother was right: eating vegetables is good for you. Epidemiologist Martha Clare Morris found that eating vegetables every day seems to slow mental decline and the development of Alzheimer's disease in old age.
Morris has been looking at the eating habits of thousands of elderly Chicago residents for more than a decade. "Every 3 years we go into their homes and ask them all sorts of questions about their health and lifestyle," she explains. "But also, we administer tests that measure their thinking ability. So that we can look at changes in their thinking ability over time."
Morris had people record the kinds of fruits and vegetables they ate and how often. She found that people who ate more servings of vegetables per day had memories that deteriorated more slowly than those who didn't eat vegetables. "People who consumed two to three vegetable servings per day had a 40 percent reduction in the rate of their decline in their thinking ability, compared to people who consumed around one or no servings of vegetables a day." Eating fruits didn't do as much to preserve thinking ability as eating vegetables.
Morris found that some kinds of vegetables are better than others at preventing memory loss. She asked study participants about green leafy vegetables, yellow vegetables, cruciferous vegetables like broccoli and legumes, or beans. "The more green leafy vegetables they consumed, the slower their rate of decline in thinking ability," she reports. "We also found evidence of association with the other types of vegetables, except for legumes. But the relation was not as strong as for green leafy
vegetables." Morris believes the benefit was derived from those vegetables with especially high levels of vitamin E.

Watching turtles can fly and the interpreter

2007-02-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

The saddest movie, turtles can fly. But it is done in a very pretty, realistic way. I wonder how the director did it. Did he recruit the children from there? And will their lives improve for it? It makes me want to do something, but I don't know what. I guess if there were absolutely nothing for me to think about doing, no problems at all, I would kill myself, because life would be purposeless. Do we live for our goals only or do our goals live for us?
The kids in turtles can fly are shockingly mature. They don't really seem to have an idea what a 'normal childhood' such as those we take for granted is like.
The interpreter starrs Nicole Kidman and it's interesting in the fact that it gives us a look into one of the peoples and languages :Ku, I think it's spelled, but then mine had chinese subtitles so I couldn't tell how it's spelled.
These movies somehow imbue a sense of humanity into these people. Where I've heard often, and even in movies, that some people think 'we should bomb them all', it sounds bigoted, but one can see more starkly that such sentiments stem from ignorance when one watches these movies and understands that these people, like others, only desire survival. Though perhaps the fact that they are living horrible lives that we care about them more. I would have less sympathy for a thriller or spy movie character who goes around smashing people's cars up just to pull escaping stunts. Though we love these characters for their astuteness and agility, it's not really something we can relate to, and any sort of sympahy is lost when we seriously consider the collateral damage the person has caused.

Los Vendidos and sentiments on beauty

2007-02-08T22:54:00.000-08:00

Some of my classmates are considering entering an english drama contest and invited me to participate. I looked up some plays in a book on literature and this play caught my eye "Los Vendidos". It was amusing compared to the other plays in the book. I went to the team and told them about 'a doll's house' and 'los vendidos' and those chose LV. Since it has to be a play that is at least partially original we have to rewrite it... and I have a feeling that job will fall to me. Luckily, I feel blessed by inspiration. I gave up my noon nap to jot down ideas about the play. I'll have the setting in Taiwan, and the characters are foreigners and the misconceptions we have about them. Hopefully it'll be funny without losing sight of the serious issues, and hopefully it won't offend anyone, as it is not meant to offend. Unfortunately we have one too many girls in the group and only two boys, while the play requires three boys and four to five girls. I'll have to think on that. But girls play acting as boys has never been on my list of good plays, especially if we want to be a little serious about this.
On Beauty
Why does beauty dwell so on my mind?
As though there weren't anything else to find
the world to me is divided into black and white
not wrong and right
but the gifted and the Blight...
many are the things that can be deceived by the eye.

a million penguins and bad language

2007-02-06T06:41:00.000-08:00

I went to see amillionpenguins and it was somewhat like a Stephen King novel because things are happening everywhere and everyone is depressed and unable to come to terms with their unfulfilling, dirty little lives. Why do people like such unhappy but satisfyingly put things? I leave feeling depressed, complicated, and dirty. Maybe it is the enigmas that entrance people, further falling into the puzzles of each character's disgusting pasts and bleeding futures as they go along. Some of the characters are amusing, though, in a sick sense. Then they stop appearing. Is that what happens when many people come together to write one novel - something that is far beyond simplicity or joy? Can the combined effort of many ever come out as something inspiring and beautiful? Or is it because everyone is trying to express pent up depression on this one forum where everyone has a chance to shout out. Drug addicts, alcoholics, prostitutes, gangsters, infidility... all the sad things in life come out sounding normal. That's what I hate about Hollywood trends. There just has to be a sex scene or something extreme, and it rarely has to be when the people are married. Normal people are not like that. And being like that is definitely never going to be the recipe for happiness.
They say if you Japanese you start to go bad with your english, because Japanese contains a lot of english converted words - with bad pronounciation. Even though I am constantly in contact with Chinese for I am in a chinese speaking country, I have discovered of late that my chinese composition has slipped - rather drastically. I cannot even understand what I write. I know what I mean to write, of course, but the wording is all wrong and it makes no logical sense from a chinese viewpoint, nor does it hold any phrasing beauty that makes a chinese composition pleasing to the mind.
Perhaps I am not made to hold multiple languages within me with enough integrity.
My Chinese teacher is going to hate the translation I made of my last summer break homework. I had to write a piece about this poem we were reading. I wrote a story that was an extended and abridged version of the poem - in english, since I happily discovered there was no restriction concerning language in the homework assignement sheet. I hoped she would never read it. My last winterbreak homework was, afterall, unread.
But then I had a different teacher.
Perhaps it is because I haven't been reading much chinese literary work for the past half year or so. I've been reading english novels, english books, and chinese translated from english. They certainly don't make terrific literary reads in chinese. Sometimes I find them difficult to understand. The translations, I mean, and infinitely unpleasant to the mind, since they hold little beauty in the chinese language.
So now I have to set apart some time to read real chinese literary works in hopes that it will make my future composition classes more comfortable.
And I seriously need a dictionary, I cannot remember how to write words though I know how to say them and what they mean.
There just seems to be some feelings that can't be expressed in other languages. That's what makes learning other languages worthwhile. But then, maybe one can only capture the feeling if one learnt the language in one's youth and/or in the language's culture setting.
Here is an interesting article that I would like to share with my culture camp team. Interesting conclusion:Any attack on AIDS should therefore include an attack on poverty.

Infinite by Giacomo Leopardi

2007-02-04T05:06:00.000-08:00

Infinite by Giacomo Leopardi
These solitary hills have always been dear to me.
Seated here, this sweet hedge, which blocks the distant horizon opening inner silences and interminable distances.
I plunge in thought to where my heart, frightened, pulls back.
Like the wind which I hear tossing the trembling plants which surround me, a voice from the inner depths of spirit shakes the certitudes of thought.
Eternity breaks through time, past and present intermingle in her image.
In the inner shadows I lose myself, drowning in the sea-depths of timeless love.

Fatigue

2007-02-04T05:03:00.000-08:00

"I would rather walk in the dark with God than go alone in the light." Mary Gardiner.
Je suis ici. Standing naked once more
stripped of purpose or will
may it be a temporary abberration
but it's cold
all vices turned to naught
a deep and unyielding boredom
I cannot narrate the cause
It stands within me
this alone
Tis difficult to conquer
the notion that
I cannot seek divinity
Has it turned it's face away from me?
My God, dwells within
The darkness I cannot trust.

Childhood cruelty

2007-02-01T06:43:00.000-08:00

Recently I my brother told me some things about our extreme youth which, sadly, amused me. He said I had dropped a piece of my lettuce on the floor. I picked it up, put it in his plate, took a clean lettuce from his plate, and ate it. I then pointed to the piece of lettuce that I put on his plate and said, "Eat it up, it's better for you."
Another time we were eating hashbrowns and I had finished all of mine. I then commenced to finish off his hashbrowns and told him "You eat the ketchup."

total eclipse

2007-01-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

Total Eclipse
Watched Total Eclipse.
In the movie, Verlaine's wife was very, very beautiful and young. The film dealt with the image of her body in a very aestheic manner. Though the movie is mostly fiction and I have no idea if this is true or not, the confession that Verlaine loved only her body and not her soul was uncomfortable, though it served as something as a buffer for the confession he made when Rimbaud asked him to choose between his(Rimbaud's) soul and his body. Verlaine chose Rimbaud's body. The deterioration of their relationship as depicted in the movie is the fault of both sides. Whilst Verlaine started to abuse his wife and child after beginning beginning his affair with Rimbaud, he did it as the man of the marriage and as a coward. He came to Rimbaud already attached - with responsibilities and what he claimed as 'love' - physical attraction for his young wife. He was discontent with how he had to depend on his wife's family for financial support when he very well knew that he would be living a far more impoverished life without that support. He took part of this out on his wife. But mostly as an excuse to hide his possessiveness and insecurity.
Rimbaud saw weaknesses in Verlaine that he disliked - excessive drinking, weakness and clinginess. In the movie, Rimbaud openly dispised Verlaine's display of brutality towards his wife. When Verlaine said that if brutality is what is meant to be strong, then he would cared not to be strong. Rimbaud retorted that Verlaine was brutal even in his weaknesses. Rimbaud was evidently the man of the relationship, though Verlaine provided the financial aspects of their living, Rimbaud was still the focus. Verlaine did not retort when Rimbaud made jabs at his personality, nor did he rebuke Rimbaud or in any way attempt to change Rimbaud's character or outlook on life. I have a feeling that Rimbaud wanted someone that was a least a little stronger and able to be his equal.
This reminds me of my relationship with a friend during junior high. I saw her as my best friend and we were together constantly. She was (in my eyes) wild and independent natured, with a strong resolution that I longed for. I was very devoted to her and she always strove to shock me with what she would say. We became so that we could nearly anticipate what the other would say. This was when the relationship started to deteriorate. When she could no longer make me feel shock. I was always yielding and compliant to whatever she did and perhaps what she really needed was a better influence. When she grew tired of me and my reliance on her she started to insult me even more. At first I was pained by this. Later I detached myself from her, which the desired effect of her onslaught. After this she got into a nursing vocational school which she did not like and then dropped out. She would have multiple boyfriends at once. I also once saw her with another girl who seemed to be an attachement as I was as well. The girl would laugh at her jokes and seem to be her shadow. I reasoned that perhaps that was the way she was - strong and confident enough to attract these shadows. I found myself with values that were vastly different from hers, and after being detached discovered that I had not really quite agreed with everything she said. Perhaps the relationship had gone stale because I was starting to see the weaknesses in her impulsive behavior and the insecurity it implied as well. I was also not quite able to take an interest or truly support her dreams, because as a leach it was my interests that had to be satified. In the movie the relationship between Verlaine and Rimbaud was also like that in this aspect - With Verlaine unable to take an active interest in Rimbaud's dreams or in truly understanding what Rimbaud needed unless it benefitted him in his writing and in his experiencing the passion that (in Verlaine's eyes) was what Rimbaud was composed of.
Their difference in age and mentality also led them to conduct different lives after their parting. Verlaine seemed to continue mostly as he was with no vast change of character nor lessening in his love for Rimbaud. Rimbaud on the other hand seemed to 'grow up' suddenly and stopped writing, putting his hand to more profitable pursuits like starting a trading post in Africa. Verlaine lived in the past whilst Rimbaud pursued his dream of experiencing the world.
My brother hated the movie. He said it was meaningless and boring. I found it very insightful in several aspects.
Can someone tell me how to teach my brother to love to read? I would so much like my brother to enjoy the books that I do. He has hope, I believe, for when he was in fifth or sixth grade he read a great deal for the summer, but that was when I was not with him. But now he likes internet gaming. His grades are horrible. I'm worried that he'll regret it later on when he is unable to find satisfaction in school.
words of interest: Absinthe, New Caledonia

to cage

2007-01-23T23:58:00.000-08:00

My soul has wrought itself a cage
and in it prowls
a spirit restless
sad, fearful, and brave
When winter ends
and spring returns
the winds that like a tempest rage
do recoil, and in that halcyon bay
a sweeter calm and better age
do take the place of that mistake
which some call nature
but that of itself
can never hope to assuage
Often I wonder at the point
of such a blunder
without it would my life be better?
would meaning clearer?
or only more bitter?
these senses seem a waste of time
to cage within a lonely mind
and break oneself to pieces
only to renew
a better person, a wholer psyche

What grownups say...

2007-01-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

What grownups say...
I pointed to a math problem and ask my math teacher: Why?
He said,"I know you want to know why instead of memorizing the algorithms and methods but if you do that with every problem you'll run out of time. Yuo see here in Highschool we have the great college entrance exams to worry about and as long as you do well on the exams it doesn't matter whther you completely understand the mechanics behind every question or not. You can try to seek theansweres later (after highschool) if you're still interested."
I know he wasn't just being mean and prudish. He is foremost an excellent teacher with his students' best interest in mind. It's just that the best interest for his students is to get into a good college, and he won't go against the grain so students achieve less. It's also possibly because I'm only average in math, and he thinks I'll be wasting my time focusing on the mechanics behind one problem instead of learning how to solve problems. It's just disturbing that anything like this should come out of an educator's mouth. Why should the system impede students from learning well?
I told my dad I wanted to attend environmental camp. He told me "You don't have to participate in this. There would be plenty of activities and classes for you to attend when you get into college. Why do you think most college students work?" "For tuition" " For fun! For fancy cars, stereos, computers, clothes... I work in a University, I should know. Taiwan parents aren't like american parents, most of them provide for their kids all the way to Graduate school." (Taiwan Universities are a lot more affordable than American ones) "I don't want to participate in activities in college just for fun. I want to work hard. Those who work hard get better grades." "You don't seem to get the picture, do you? Once you get into college, you'll want to have fun. Everyone works so hard in Highschool to get there and now what everyone wants to to relax. There are no exams in Universities." "There are the midterm and finals." "Most students just study a week before the exams. They do reports by copying it from each other, from internet sources. Everyone does it. If you copy your work you get a 90, if you work hard at your work you get a 90. People who work hard are laughed at, called bookworms and nerds." "That's the atmosphere at your college, it's not going to be that way at mine or every other college." "Every college is the same! You just don't get it, do you?" "I'm different, I don't work hard in Highschool just for the exams and it's not going to be that way for college either. I don't like to play. You think the activities I attend in Highschool are all for fun??? I don't do it for fun. It's for the credits, the experience, whatever meagre learning I can get out of it. I don't play with people, it's not in my nature to mingle mindlessly. I want to learn..." "It'll be different in college, you'll see. You aren't listening, you're not going to listen, you're not going to accept anything I say. I can see that. Fine, I 'm not saying anything more." But I wanted him to. I wanted to convince him.
Why does it make no difference? Why would it be so different in college? Why am I not able to conquer my environment, the atmosphere? Why am I not ever expected to go against the grain? Aren't there any colleges where students do work hard? I need to find good friends.

I want to know kindness...

2007-01-13T07:15:00.000-08:00

recommended reads:
Otto and the bird charmers and Otto and the time of the warrior by Charlotte Haptie
The City of Ember and the people of sparks and The Prophet of Yonwood by Jeanne Duprau
works by Madeliene L'Engle
Welcome to the Ark by Stephanie S. Tolan (a bit unrealistic at the end, but basically powerful)
For deeper reading:
His dark materials by Philip Pullman
Lately, seeing as there's people everywhere and one starts to stop valuing life, I have begun to find sleeping endlessly quite attractive. Then I watched 'I am David' and read 'Otto and the bird charmers' and feel again the geniality I had towards my fellow mankind.This made me start to think - perhaps if I had never read great books like the ones I've cited about (and I'm sure there are many more only I've forgotten their titles) I would probably be colder, crueler, harsher, and less happy an individual than I am now. For I've observed my mother and some of my classmates and I find them highly unforgiving for perceived wrongs - a waiter who doesn't smile, for instance, and my mother immediately claims his service is bad and she won't come to this shop again. It's shocking to me that we can so easily point fingers and people, and then I wonder why I feel shock at this display - for certainly I did not learn this form of benevolence from my mother. And I realize that a great deal of it is from reading good books, albeit fiction. So if any of you have kids or are planning on having kids, it's essential that they read good books like the ones that I cited in the above. For the future of of world, let us know kindness.
Disclaimer: I'm not being tacky for being tacky. This cynicism culture is going way out of hand to make me feel guilty about sounding tacky.

The Solitary

2007-01-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

The Solitary

by: Sara Teasdale

My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,

I have less need now than when I was young

To share myself with every comer,

Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.

It is one to me that they come or go

If I have myself and the drive of my will,

And strength to climb on a summer night

And watch the stars swarm over the hill.

Let them think I love them more than I do,

Let them think I care, though I go alone,

If it lifts their pride, what is it to me,

Who am self complete as a flower or stone?

My love,

I am sorry that it has been quite a while since I have written to you. You, this inner vent for my passion and obsessions. In everything a whole entity subject to the most degrading circumstances - ignored when convenient, loved when needed. And all with the most astonishing patience.

I shall not, on this day, and hopefully ever in the future, phrase words of love that one would normally say to a deep darkness. I hope that I can rid myself of this habit - of allowing myself to dream in ways that are beyond my control, of promising honey when all it is simply a wrongfully wrought ambition to be - one and only, when in fact a great mist crowds me, and the shades of grey forever dance where I believed evil is, and what is pure never comes without a doubtful lining of some other mysterious colour. I shall not strive to describe the tresses of your hair, or note how delightful it would be... but now on to write with steadiness what has passed my mind, and hope that in this exchange you shall be satisfied, for it does my constitution great evil to wrought passion on naught, and breed a sentimentality that cannot endure the burdens that I have resolved to take upon my shoulders.

Today, I would like to ask, what is are duty towards mankind? I talked to my classmate, though I believe I was mostly talking to air, for most times the subjects of my thoughts seem to incite nothing but unease and aloofness. But as I was saying... Is it truly possible to breed a pacifist nation? Not of genetic means, but by the environment. Besides the people who are born with tendency towards violence, how much can our education really do? I was thinking, the other day, that perhaps I should try to improve myself - not only academically, but in manners and general behavior. I want to be, though the term is often derided, a 'good girl'. Not in being continuously subservient and observing the codes for a chinese female as written in the old books, but to be have good citizenship. To obey the law, the understand the policies of governments and react with fairness - know when to support the government, know when to give constructive criticism. I want to know what to do to make our welfare system better. I want to know how to stop being selfish and petty but understand the big picture in things. I want to know how to work with people. I believe that a pamphlet of some sort is needed for me to know what to do. A pamphlet that is convincing, truthful, and undoctrinely. Recently I read an article that talked about environmental preservation and energy saving. The article mentioned that the government should publish a pamphlet teaching people exactly how to help save energy and preserve the environment. So far as I know, there is no such pamphlet. If there is, it surely is not very effective, for I have heard nothing of it.

The problem that I noted to my classmate was this - what does it mean to equalize the world? Can we really be equalized? Can our interests be tempered to the point that we are each satisfied with who we are and our responsibilities? People are born with different temperaments. Some desire to do little but live life through, some are highly proactive, always desiring to do more than the others. Surely we cannot expect all to all to adhere to the same duties. If those that wish to do a great deal are faced with little enough to do, then they would likely choose the opposite direction to pursue, either in extremist positions with well-meaning, or simply to pursue a sense of individualism. In high welfare States there is also a high suicide rate. Isn't equality and a basically guaranteed happy life enough? For some it is, for some it isn't. How many people are born desiring a passive existence?

And yet, if the idea that war is a nature among men as the wildfires are, then what hope have we of extinguishing the small flames to fan a greater conflagration?

I have a physics test tomorrow. I tell you. Lately I have been attempting to assimilate all my time into useful pursuit. I know my brain cells shall begin to die once I pass my peak, so I must begin to put them into good use before such a horror should wreak too great a havoc. It is not easy, for too many distractions lie in easy reach. This little excursion into the computer, for example, is one such distraction. And food, which I desire simply for the fact of desiring out of my passive physical state in a desk all day, though I do not lack calories. Do you know? I've counted, and it seems I spend about 11 hours each day sitting. Can you imagine! So much of my life seated, when in drawings of humans we most always have our species standing. I find a stale sort of sense of accomplishment from restraining myself and getting my tasks done. And an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and regret if I digress, which is too often. Really, must work harder, for habits will only get harder to kill as I get older. And I really must not view my companions as the standards for excellence, for in some places where I could do far better I am hindered by the knowledge that none of my surrounding peers have come so far and so I do not strive as hard.

And as I promised, so I shall be

sorry for sounding harsh

2006-12-31T03:15:00.000-08:00

Newsweek

Live Vote
Do you believe the British police report that says Princess Diana's death was an accident?
Yes
No
Not sure
Vote to see results

?2006 Newsweek, Inc.

Sorry for sounding harsh, but this puzzles me... why would the cause of Diana's death by accident seem so unacceptable? People die by accident, however good, beautiful, kind, charming, victimized, rich or royal they are. We should not expect that some people, even ourselves, would lead a enchanting life and even a more enchanting death than others if we were good enough or if we had suffered more than others. The love of everyone in the world cannot check tragedy. If famous beloved people die special deaths, than it would mostly the cause of probability than the guidance of greater powers. We want to ignore chance and believe in fate event though we struggle to hold our fate in our own hands. Because we want to control our lives, we discover science, but we are basically very superstitious people at heart. I cannot let go of God, though I can't believe in him blindly.
To make so much hubbub over Diana's death and hoping it was not an accident will cause much more pressure on other people who have become the victims of finger-pointing. If a spirit beyond this dark threshold does exist, then let the facts be known and her spirit rest in peace without guilt.

Posted 12/30/2006 5:24 AM - email it

Israel, not the sheep we thought it was

2006-12-28T18:22:00.000-08:00

History's regret.
"Go and explain to every man in the stree that the 1.Cairo trial is
of our making, and 2.Bat Galim is one battle in a campaign, and
the 3. prisoners in Syria failed in an operation that we initiated, and
that if Arabs had failed in our territory, we would have killed them
on the spot without any argument, as we did with the legionnaires
who innocently strayed into our strip of land near Mevo'ot Betar,
and every one of them has a mother who mourns her son even if
she is not a member of Parliament like Piga Ilanit - go and explain
all that. It is clear that the Ajour murder was the last straw and the
anger must be assuaged. Only this is the logic, none other. I do not
believe that, from the security point of view, retaliation will make
the slightest difference. On the contrary, I fear that it will serve as
the opening link in a new chain of bloodshed in the border area. "
Moshe Sharett, Prime minister of Israel 1953~1955, moderate voice in parliament against overwhelming call for a reprisal attack against Jordan following a border incident. Stating that most of the public was misguided concerning most of the incidents between Israel and their surrounding Arab countries, that in fact many of the incidents were provoked by Israel herself. Sharett was unable to control the military departments and the rising call for activism. He resigned all government duties in 1956.
1.Cairo trial: pending the withdrawal of british troops from the Suez Canal Zone. Military leaders in Israel believed that this act would remove the barrier between the two countries and would be followed by western military assistance to Egypt. They believed the withdrawal must be prevented. A Jewish espionage ring was formed by the military intelligence to cause mayhem in Egypt and thus convince the British that Egypt was unstable and it was unwise to withdraw. The parliament was not informed of this operation, nor was Sharett who would have been adamently against it. The attempts were amateurish at best and the ring was caught and tried. One committed suicide and two were executed.
2. Bat Galim: A test vessel that was sent through the Suez Canal to challenge Egyptian closure, whose blockage was a violation of the 1951 Security Council resolution. The ship was captured and held, but later released (but not allowed to pass through the canal) after brief negotiations with then president of Egypt Gamal Abdel Nasser as an act of good faith by Egypt.
3. Prisoners in Syria: A party of five Israeli soldiers conducting a mission to pick up a phone line tapping device were caught several kilometers inside Syria's territory. Matters were made worse when one of the soldiers who happened to be the son of a prominent political woman in Israel committed suicide in prison.

primary feelings on 'Iron Wall'

2006-12-22T08:28:00.000-08:00

I have been, for a very long time, interested in history of Israel as a new state. Partly because we get so acquainted with its roots through the bible and there are also unfulfilled prophecies for its future that makes me curious for how it will play out. I have also read about the holocaust and it makes me more of a supporter of their cause than ever. Only recently, however, have I decided that the best way to resolve this curiousity is to get a book to read about it. I checked up on the internet and found several available to me at a local bookstore, I then looked up comments on the books and chose 'The Iron Wall' by Avi Shlaim to read.
So far I'm only a few chapters into the book, and I find it far more interesting than 'collapse' (for which bored me to the extent that I haven't finished it yet, though I'm sure it has a lot of inspiring information). I had a rosy picture of how Israel battled of her Arab counterparts, but I also realized that there were a lot of things I didn't know. What methods were used to birth this nation? How did the Jews clear off large areas of the original inhabitants? A question that the book will not answer (since it's not the main course to be studied in this book) but which popped up in my mind a few pages into the book was this "What were the lives of the first immigrants, or the Yishuv, like in a mostly Palestinian country? What happened as the Palestinians gradually came to understand their plan?"
A few facts I learned: before Israel, Jews presented about ten percent of the population in Palestine, mostly through immigration. After Israel became a state, Jews rose to more than 80 percent of the population in Israel (not counting the West Bank and Gaza). Why? Because in the wars following it's birth, Israel seized towns and evacuated its Palestinians residents. Also, I learnt that peace didn't come easy mostly because Israel is unwilling to compromise its original goals.
I'm going to go off a tangent here. I understand that every Israelite joins the military for a time. I wonder if it would create a culture of believing that a person has only come of age if he/she has been through the military? It might not, and I can think of two reasons why. One, because Judaism already has a coming of age ceremony. Two, because people in this age are more critical of establishing cultures that are more mythlike and less inclusive of dissidents because of the belief in freedom of self-expression as the golden mandate. What I mean is: The idea that one can only be an adult by going through the military is extremely narrow and is more opinion based than fact induced (that is, the military does not foster any traits that would make an individual physically more of an adult than age does).

Billion names of the devil (a translation)

2006-12-15T02:48:00.000-08:00

This is a story written by someone else in Chinese. It was published on the 2003 June edition on 'Scientific American Chinese version' as part of the Chinese viewpoint series. Seeing as this is a chinese viewpoint article I know it would not be published in the English version of Sciam and so I have translated the story into English because I have enjoyed it immensely and felt that it is well worth sharing. Even though I realize that a great deal of this story may be more associated with science fiction than anything fact-based, I feel that it still touches a chord with what we feel sometimes - a feeling that eats away at us when we least expect it, the desire to know that there is something or someone faraway that holds a key to what our existence means.
Billion names of the devil
Author: Shi-Gwo Chang
Translator: Mignon Chang

My Dearest Alice:
Please forgive me for not writing to you until today. In truth I think of you every single night and day, but the thought pains me every time and I cannot continue writing, almost as though part of my heart soil has shriveled up; it hurts to even touch, so I try to avoid it. But I know where you are, Alice, I truly know! I can say, but I know. I have a feeling that I will see you again, just like that day I saw the white cranes soaring in the azure sky and had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. But this time it no longer an ill presentiment. I have a sense of anticipation, a sense of joy, almost a happy premonition.

Countless cranes were soaring in the azure sky, spiraling downward from way up high. A flock of paper cranes floated down in front of Alice. Without thinking, she reached out a hand a caught one. The paper crane rapidly changed shape in her hand, unfolding to become a leaflet, it began to speak. his is a moral battle,?the voice of the empire supreme leader intoned he justice of the empire has come to release the people of Farg, the people of Farg will receive freedom. No enemy can withstand the army of the Empire. Farg people, to resist is futile, surrender now! The sooner you accept the dominion of the Empire, the sooner we shall return your freedom.?
Alice laughed softly and started to throw away the leaflet. To her surprise, the leaflet clung to her hand, loudly proclaiming ou are not a Farg, you are a citizen of the Empire, is that not so? You are a heretic, a traitor to the empire. Traitor! Know this, opposing the empire means death.?After repeating this three times, the leaflet started burning up by itself. Luckily Paul flipped out his pocketknife, first distinguishing the fire with his mini-extinguisher, then slicing the leaflet into tiny pieces with his knife. Pieces of the leaflet fluttered to the ground, still guttering raitor!?/SPAN>
he empire propaganda attacks have become more high tech lately.?Paul said, laughingly aper can unfold itself, speak, and self-ignite ?that not being all, to be able to identify a person is truly challenging. On the other hand, it may not be so difficult. Youe still carrying the Empire identity card, right? If you weren carry that smart card and it could still identify you, I would be truly impressed. Sadly this sort of propaganda can only bring adverse effects. A freedom that has to be bestowed ?such freedom isn worth accepting.?/SPAN>
o threat Empire citizens ?it too much!?Alice said with an angry pout hat wrong with being a dissenter? All Empire citizens have the right to criticize the government wrongful policies.?/SPAN>
Paul looked at the slim, frail woman beside him gently hat true, all citizens have the right to oppose the government policies, but Farg isn the best place to exhibit dissent. It much too dangerous here. It might be better to return to the motherland and attend protests there.?/SPAN>
 not going back!?Alice said  not here for tourism, I here with my classmates to be a human shield to protect the water factory. If the Empire sends planes to bomb the factory a lot of people in Farg are going to die, especially children, of water deprivation.?/SPAN>
Paul was shocked. Even though he was the most outstanding physicist in the Empire University, he rarely concerned himself with political affairs. Only for Alice had he become a heretic in people eyes. Alice had to come to Farg, so he followed. Originally he thought she had come here to do research and would go home in a few days, he never thought that she had come here to act as a human shield! ?/SPAN>Alice, that is way too dangerous. Don be so na鴳e to think that with you guys standing in the way the empire would think twice about bombing the water factory. I know you are discontent with the empire policies, but you don have to express yourself this way. Also, you aren well, it too hard to live in such a backward place.?/SPAN>
 not your student and I don need your nagging! My friends and I have thought it over, it the only way. If you aren willing to stay, go home.?With that, Alice started to walk towards the water factory. Paul stood there, speechless for the moment. She was right, she was his childhood friend and girlfriend, not his student, he couldn coach her, but how could he persuade her? Paul was considering this when a scene that he would never forget came before his eyes. Countless cranes were soaring in the azure sky, spiraling downward from way up high. A flock suddenly started to fly towards the water factory, something was not right. Paul was about to call to Alice when it was too late. A white flash, Paul was shaken to the ground by the shock of the explosion. By the time he had recovered his senses, the water factory and its surround edifices were no more.
The Empire commanding central said that the Fargs had intentionally destroyed the water factory to cause mass civilian death, and then blame it on the Empire air-fleet. The Fargs said that it was the Empire bomb. Paul calculated how many tons of explosives it would take to destroy the water factory and understood that the Fargs could not have possibly initiated such a move, only the Empire bombs had such power. Paul was no longer silent and came out to accuse the military. The accusation of the Empire University noted physicist was not to be trifled with and the military was finally willing to announce an investigation. Of course, no results would be forthcoming. Paul was put on the black list. But after the death of Alice he had become a completely different person, he asked for a break from the school and the University was willing to allow him a permanent vacation. Paul went back to his old countryside home and from then on came out only rarely. Society soon forgot about him.

My dearest Alice:
Yesterday I dreamt of you again. You stood in the burning streets of Farg. The Empire tanks were pinpointed towards the neighboring apartments. People ran out of the burning buildings and were shot by the Empire soldiers?machine guns. The speakers on the tanks kept blaring he Empire militia has come to liberate you, you shall receive your freedom.?A mother was killed, and an empire soldier gave her child a piece of chocolate. The child in psychotic confusion started to laugh and cry at the same time, battle reports caught the image of the child laughing hysterically and the image immediately appeared on television ?to prove that the military was benevolent and kind to the people. You smiled at me sadly and said he Fargs have finally won their freedom through death.?/FONT>

Since Paul moved back to the country he would go in town every Wednesday at noon to have dinner with Alice mother at the YWCA. Alice mother had rheumatism and had difficulty walking. In the morning she could walk slowly the the trainstation by her self and take the bus to the Y, when they had finished their meal Paul would drive her home.
Besides Alice home was a maple forest. When the couple first met, he would come to look for Alice. Alice mother wouldn allow them to go far, so they would take walks in these woods. Paul noticed that Alice mother had hung up a string of paper cranes by the front door, this was Alice favorite Origami animal. He couldn help bringing up Alice. When Paul mentioned how Alice still stood in the streets of Farg, Alice mother suddenly caught his had and stopped him from speaking on.
lease don say anymore! Alice is in heaven, let her dwell there in peace.?/SPAN>

My dearest Alice, I don feel that you have gone to heaven. If you have, then I would never see you again, then what would I do? But I know for sure you are not in heaven, you are in another parallel world. Of course I can explain this to your mother, she doesn understand physics. For her, she would rather believe you were in heaven.
When a world is facing decisions, it would split into many parallel worlds ?some would become better, some would become worse. Even though you can observe parallel worlds, you can deduce their existence. It just like you went to a hotel to reserve and room, and the room number happened to be your birthday, so you can deduce that there are many rooms in the hotel and one of them happens to have your birthday. By the same principle, if you knew the world were especially awful, you could be sure that there exist worlds that are much better.
Perhaps, the so called heaven is our vision of what a better parallel world would be like? My dearest Alice, we don go to heaven when we die, but we go to a better parallel world. All our good deed, we may say, is to increase the probability of that better world appearing.
My dearest love, why do I have to say these things to you? Because if all the parallel universes existed eternally, death would not be an issue. We would simply hop from one universe to another. When all the paralle universes exist for eternity, time would only seem like a mirage to us. Without time, death would not be an issue, you and me will always exist. You have not died, but are merely in another parallel world, and my love for you will never change either.

Paul drove around the maple forest and parked his car next to the stream there. After shutting off the engine, one can hear the water gurgling. Only Alice and he knew this place. Alice often said that if they had children in the future, they could bring their children on picnics to this secret place. He didn have these imaginations because he knew that Alice had congenital heart disease and it would be unwise to give birth. As Alice mother said, to be able to live life peacefully is happiness in itself.

Alice, you know how I am. Knowing that you are in another parallel world, I wouldn just sit here doing nothing and not go find you. Ie recently thought of something. Even there are plentiful parallel universes, but the difference between them shouldn be too great. For example if I went to a restaurant and made a choice with either smocked ham or beef, that in itself would make two worlds, though they are not so different. Most of the time, parallel world can combine on the basis that they are so similar, so under the appropriate circumstances usually there are only the results of two parallel world ?one is the culmination of good, and the other is the culmination of evil. This is what one may call a Universal node.
Alice, I strongly believe we happen to be in a very important universal node, facing a major battle between good and evil. Our world seems to be the culmination of evil whilst the other world is the culmination of good. According to probability, the combination of the two worlds should be balanced in the number of similar parallel worlds. But why do we always feel that evil is stronger, even to the extent of lording over all?
Absolute good or absolute evil means that one disciple can absolutely lord over all good or evil. Because the probability is zero, in theory absolute good or absolute evil cannot exist. But when good can be turned into evil, or evil turned into good, relative good or relative evil may exist. I know what I am searching for ?the key to turning evil into good.
Alice, I have thought about this for a long time and finally I understand, good and evil exist in one heart, and the way one heart goes comes from what we think, and thoughts require language. Only language is the universal node, the key to the battle between good and evil.

Paul walked into the woods and sat on the ground that had been velvet-ed by leaves. Maple leaves blew around him and dropped silently to the ground. He took a deep breath, and switched on a machine on his knee.

The way to turn good into evil, is to change all the good names into evil. Do you remember the ancient tale? hen the monk has recited all the billion names of God, the worlds would be destroyed.?Because people have passed this down orally, the tale has become a bit muddy, but it really doesn mean all the worlds would be destroyed, it means that the good world would be destroyed. The monk is a disguised devil, on the surface he speaks of righteousness, but in fact he does evil things. He says all that is good and does everything that is evil. The true power that destroys a good world are those who pretend to do good.(Actually parallel worlds always exist, e destroyed?should actually be said as hange the situation?
By the same meaning, the way to change evil into good is to change all the evil names into good. If I can recite all the billion names of the devil, the evil world shall be destroyed! Of course this is not simple, because the devil name is very complex, not made up from a few simple letters. The devil name can be more complex than a billion books, normal people may not understand upon first sight.
Alice, I have thought of a way to enumerate all the billion names of the devil. I don need to visit all the worlds of evil, I only need to find out all the names of the evil worlds in one world, and this would bring the same effect, because time and space can be alternated. I can use a molecular device and spell the billion names of the devil and quickly read them aloud. Once my machine has succeeded, a lot of parallel worlds will become good worlds. When only good is left in this world, my dearest Alice, we shall meet again.
But the resulting good world will not be in a stable condition, it may quickly change into a different situation. So Alice, you may not remember me, but I will always love you. Even if you should forget all, please do not suspect my love.

A billion worlds, suddenly destroyed. A billion worlds, suddenly reborn.
Countless cranes were soaring in the azure sky, spiraling downward from way up high. A flock of paper cranes floated down in front of Alice. Without thinking, she reached out a hand a caught one. The paper crane docilely lay in her palm, occasionally twitching its wings. Alice lifted her hand and the paper crane slowly rose into the sky. She raised her head to gaze at that azure sky, and then to survey the far horizons. A smiling woman in black took her child hand and walked slowly away. A tear rolled down Alice cheek, but she did not know why; she seemed to remember a person in a faraway world, and yet seemed to remember nothing.
On the forgotten shore, another billion worlds are suddenly reborn, another billion worlds suddenly destroyed.

Dreams surprise us

2006-12-11T02:56:00.000-08:00

Dreamt that I was fatally attractive to mother-in-laws... that is, a lot of women wanted me to be their son's wife. Most of these women were rich and their sons were my age, dependent, soft-willed, focused on the pleasures of food and comfort, and didn't care more or less about me. To my surprise, though I was against the idea of becoming the bride to any one of them, I found myself first engaged to one, then also engaged to another, so I was at once the future daughter-in-law of two prestigious families. Then one of my future mother-in-laws (who was a small, sickly, hardworking and sweet tempered woman who I really like and didn't want to hurt for fear she'd get a stroke or some equally dire condition) asked me to take care of her son after she died. I then told her, regrettably, that :"I'm sorry, I don't really care for your son - he doesn't seem to much care for me either. If I have to marry him, without any love between us, I'm sure I would leave him sooner or later, so I don't think it's such a good idea to maintain this engagement any longer." It seemed, actually, that I didn't have much of a choice - I had to ask the woman to let me off because I wasn't allowed to cancel the engagement myself. Thankfully, she was kind. The other future mother-in-law was more difficult to deal with and it took some shouting and elusive maneuvers on my part to shake her off. Thankfully (or not so thankfully), a war seemed to be going on at the time, and in the chaos all agreements concerning this came to a halt.
Eventually, I found myself in a busy market and public order was in tatters. Since it was unsafe to be about, the only non-repulsive member of my suitors (who happened to be one of my schoolmates at my current high school in real-life who is a marvelous pianist and whom I consider a friend) sent two of his his buddies to escort me so I would be safe. One of them asked me why I didn't accept when Yuan (that is my friend's name)'s family sent people to propose a marriage (I believed that his mother had sent that entourage and refused because it would be extremely awkward - seeing as we're merely friends)
I replied "He never asked me(himself)."
"He was pursuing you."
"If he was, I didn't know." I said "I don't believe he loves me in that way."
Suddenly before me was a river with cement blocks set in it. Some of the blocks were barely above the water, while others were several feet above water. I pointed to the almost submerged blocks and said "I would rather live in insecurity and possibly a short life with one who loves me than (pointing to a block higher up) live in security with one who doesn't love me."
I think this is the result of me hearing about the story of the marriage of Princess Diana. My roommate Deoborah was doing a report on her and told me about her story. In girl's comic books there are always plots about how people who are brought together by force, especially when a girl enters a family way above her status, they eventually find happiness...It's very misleading to young girls and I believe the belief in such tales may make girls more vulnerable - to possessive or manipulative men.

observations: Taiwan culture

2006-12-02T08:25:00.000-08:00

My roommates decided to use my extremely annoying alarm clock to wake us all up in the morning - so we would be sure to wake up. In the past its cadence had inspired murder in my normally sweet tempered companions. So I said, lightly "Whoever wakes up first to shut it off, please be sure not to be too rough with it - it looks sturdy, but its really quite delicate." And Deborah, who had been among the passionate for twisted alarm-clock remains, laughingly said "Oh, I know, you must be talking about me."
I don't know how this sentence sounds in English, but it's quite amusing in Chinese.

In music class one of my classmates (male) made loud remarks about another of my classmate's (male) expansive mass in correlation with flattening a city. The victim of this 'insult', hearing this (it was meant to be heard), took his drumsticks (we were playing drums that day), ran over to the speaker, and feigned piercing the offender's abdomen with dramatical execution. Much to the amusement of offender, victim, and all around.

But I would question the essence of my soul

2006-12-02T08:16:00.000-08:00

How much longer can I rein in my soul
From its agile decay
More is lost and less is gained
Whilst seeking proof of purpose

But I would question the essence of my soul

A question mark at the end of this soliloquy
Do you know a soul that can say
I love you and only you.
In truth, there is no other one
That I regard as my better half?
Often I feel restless at this claim
What claim is it? Rash, I say
Not knowing what… (can knowledge be too much,
Or avarice another name for sense?)
The ownership of another soul entails
Are we one
And no other can do?
And what one loves
Can only be
Pure, in itself
The one and only

(If we state it is so
enough and enough
perhaps we shall value more
our lives for its worth
as the gambler plays by his losing cards
desire and hope name chance his faith)

And what is purity?
Untainted… unaffected
A nature pure and genial
Or passionate – according to like
Will bestow affection

(can a man love an infant
as his better half?
for she’s pure – the purest when
she knows no words, and cannot yet be
conscious of her own adorability)

If one day I were to exchange my soul for another
I would hope that my mother would know
For everything I do and pursue
Will most likely be the same as before
That soul will adopt my memory
My genes, my temperament
My urges, my loves, my dislikes
(a soul does not contain neurons, I heard)

I would hope that my mother would know
So I can confirm that she loves me, and only me
As her child, not because I wear the shell that she with grace delivered me
But that I
Am unreplaceably
Unique!

conversation with a spider

2006-12-01T03:22:00.000-08:00

was getting ready to brush my teeth when discovered the sink was stopped. The stopper was in the sink and I was about to unplug it when I noticed a lovely corpse lying on the water. It was diamond shaped - a spider with long spindy legs slightly bent to form a cage-like cavity with it's small round body positioned like a handle to hold the cage with. I was deciding whether to pick it to take a closer look under my lamp when it twitched. I was glad then that I hadn't pulled the stopper or it would have irrevocably spiraled away into the mysterious abyss of Kaohsiung city plumbing which would have no doubt meant its death. Trusting the spider's survival instincts, I took a tissue and touched the surface of the water where the spider lay on it's side. Immediately the long spindy legs responded, unfolding with amazing reflexes, it touched the tissue and arranged itself rapidly so that it could adequately climb onto the tissue. With alertness that contrasted with its earlier 'play-dead' state the spider scrambled up white tissue. I was so surprised by its speed (the speed with which it becoming proximate with my hand, that is) that I suddenly pulled the tissue sideways. The lightweight creature certainly wasn't holding on to the fibers with hooks, for it swayed and was flying in the air straight for its watery grave once more. With adeptness that astonished myself (and a great deal of dumb luck) I recaptured the spider on the tissue and immediately touched the tissue towards the comparatively dry shore of the cream colored ceramic. The spider landed gently and with graceful stride glided into a dark corner where it was lost to sight.

are women the oppressors of women?

2006-11-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I support the system that can put me in the most advantage, instead of in consideration for the general welfare of others. I support a system that respect individuality and freedom of expression... maybe this isn't the best system for some, though I can't think of people who won't benefit from this system yet... but there are many things I haven't thought of.
In a book I've read a few weeks ago the author talked about going into a 'primitive'(without writing) society in which men hunted and women scavenged for wild foods. They had a rule there that men should eat first. So one day the author had found a tree full of fruits and she decided to take a bite. Immediately the other women were shouting at her and accusing her - that she should have let her husband eat the fruit first. For the men, it took no great effort for them to maintain such a society - to ostracize others or what-not, because the women did that themselves.
In another case, my teacher showed us a survey conducted about two elite highschools in my city, one school was all boys and the other school was all girls. What struck me about the report was that the all girls school was more prone to maintaining tradition and the students in the school by majority supported conservative culture much more than the boys' school or coed schools.
This brings me to my questions : Who is really responsible for upholding repressing systems towards women? How many percentage of women actively participated in the women's right movement before it became a popular idea? Are men the true maintainers of tradition? For I believe in every instance if the majority of women in a society desired more equal opportunities and treatment it isn't so hard to achieve - unless they could not unite or they were not in the majority. If all the women in highly tradition muslim society protest, surely the men would not find it worth their while to punish all of them.
That is why women should not learn to read and write. That is why women should stay home. ..?
One of my classmates presented a report about abortion today. She asked the girls in my class whether they were for or against abortion, she was disappointed to find that 10 out of 14 girls in my class supported abortion (she was vehemently against it), 2 out of 14 against, and 2 out of 14 undecided. Reasons: too young at this age, men may not be responsible, rape-child undesirable, future to look forward, do not really want to have a child so doesn't matter if harms further pregnancy opportunities... It was then that I suggested she ask the guys in my class because I expected she would find interesting results, she did:
15 out of 22 were against abortion
3 out of 22 for
4 out of 22 undecided
reason against: It's my child so I should take care it.
Hypothesis for large number of guys against:1. lack of realistic view 2. would not believe self would make girlfriendpregnant b/c a:do not have girlfriend b: believes oneself would practice safe sex.3. The boys in my school in more responsible than most (because my highschool is considered elite and needs good grades to enter)
Is the program against abortion as a viable policy mostly headed by women? How much percentage of women are really against abortion or is it only because those who head these movements are the ones more outspoken than most?
I believe that to further understand this situation I could poll women who have been pregnant before and those who already have children. I expect that men's ratio concerning this issue will mostly be the same in various stages of life, but for women ideas change if there has actually been a little life growing inside or you are faced with infertility. I believe none of my female classmates have experienced that stage of life yet. Is there already information on this?

Early years

2006-11-09T05:30:00.000-08:00

My mother told me that I was jabbering away by the time I was eight months old - quite noisy, really. I remember that I used to be ignored for what I said because I used to say too much, and eventually I learned to speak to myself or suppose my listener was listening... in junior high I stopped saying everything out loud and instead starting writing everything I thought down. Recently I've discovered a few things I've written in the past and it surprises me... that I felt so vividly at the time. I guess I really cannot comprehend how feelingly I expressed myself until later on, when I look back from a different stage in life and relive the seconds. Rarely do I feel regret about what I had written - I may have seemed immature from a 'now' perspective, but it is a way to store memories - like a key that reopens sensations that would be difficult to relive otherwise. Sometimes I feel surprised that I could have thought those thoughts - and it seems that as I grow older, creativity comes less to me, because I'm weaning out fantastic thoughts that seem too absurd to be applied.
At four my mother was showing me picture books and before I started elementary school I could read the chinese alphabet. This skill became detrimental to my later learning, in fact, because I hadn't learnt patience with reviewing things, and since the teacher was teaching the chinese alphabet anew to the whole class, I took up the habit of zoning out. It has cost me many precious lessons that I did not know I hadn't learnt yet.
I distinctly remember owning robots that could turn into trucks or tanks or planes if you twisted them the right way. I remember losing them one by one because I would take them out to play and lose them... but I cannot remember how or where. It was excessively confusing to me that I had lost them and I had my first anxiety fit over losing something I owned. These fits have occured on and off since then because I am extremely careless. But I'm learning from this - that I should not care so much about the things I own. It becomes a time wasting burden to mourn objects lost. Perhaps that is partially why I am unwilling to love people intimately - love, whether willing or no, eventually becomes something that one owns, an anchor to earth and self. If a person were to part willingly, it would become a pain that in my state of maturity I am not able to cope with. I have many years yet, I guess, to learn mature relationships, both with objects of possession and objects of obsession.
My affair with dolls was tenacious at best. It seemed, though a girl could own many dolls, and I indeed had half a dozen, I could only love one at a time, and felt extremely discomfited if a grownup were to give me a new doll because I would have to keep it/love it and then I could not love my other dolls, though I reassured them I cared for them I knew it was no longer the same. I also tried to play with them as if they were real and treat them as real people since my own playmates were few and far between. Also because that was the way kids in story books and cartoons played with their dolls, right? It was a deeply unsatisfying relationship, especially since I started to imagine one of my dolls would suck my blood from my neck each night as I slept . Which must be due to accidentally viewing one of my parent's rented horror movies. Seeing movies like that is extremely harmful to a child.
At that time I started to notice the way I lulled myself to sleep - by letting my mind wander. For a while I combined wild meditation with before sleep mind wandering by pretending, for example, that the room was rocking like the hull of a ship, or that I had wandered out of my body and was soaring over the surrounding landscape. It felt so real - the soaring over edifaces, at peace with self.. and yet feeling so indescribably guilty over the freedom that I experienced in such excursions.

academics and confusion

2006-10-18T01:12:00.000-07:00

It completely befuddles me - the fact that what is going on between N. Korea, US and Japan has not become headline news in Taiwan - or at least, I have not a single notion of it.
On another note - I wonder what it is with being scholastically attuned? Been browsing and am semi-befuddled by the attitude some people have towards academics - they're A students, and studying is a pain that has to be done, good grades must be achieved, and meanwhile b**ch the system, have fun as often as possible and get date but don't exactly admire date's tendencies.
possible reasons1. too much pressure must find relief in some form.
2. Everyone is going through this must pretend it's nothing or that it's too painful to lower other people's defenses.
It's difficult to be coherent on this since I'm still feeling puzzled about this phenomenon. Writing it out usually helps me make sense of what's going on.
background : a society (not exactly the whole country, but at least nearly all the people who surround the subject) which cares about academic achievement because it has something to do with success, and everyone is fed + more.
Perhaps the problem lies with me. I'm way too serious and I can't understand how other people can't be...There are so many problems needing to be solved and so many things under abuse that I must do something, and the main point of education is to create a better society - a society of people who are informed and willing to take action - either in conducting their own lives with as little pain to others as possible or actively pursuing better systems. I'm not say I'm highminded - I simply believe that eveyone should at least care for what they are doing, do it the best way they can, and care more about the righting the wrongs of men. I understand that any form of administrative system for people can be unfair, but I also believe that most of the teachers and educators are doing the best they can. And complaining about it is childish. My classmates/peers do it almost incessantly, it's like a social skill you've got to learn to become a member of my social circle. It has gone so it influences me and I try to complain about my grades... but I really think that if I try hard I'll do well and if I don't I won't. If I try and don't do well what I should do is start changing my study methods not complaining... and all the time I'm focusing on my studying I'm thinking that it will be helpful for what I want to achieve in the future - it will give me more knowledge help change the system or the power to do so. As long as there are problems I cannot stop trying. I also enjoy studying, and if I don't I try to see the good points in the subjects I don't enjoy so I'll be able to do learn something from it. Maybe I'm being too idealistic but we do have to live with goals.
Would a universe with zero problems make an effort to birth problems because having no problems is a problem at least concerning our tendency to stop making an effort when all is calm.
okay, I'm typing while watching dog whisperer and it's kind of hard to concentrate so I'll stop here.

The National Holiday paradox - a sad story and other unpinned thoughts

2006-10-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

The National Holiday Paradox
Taiwan.
On October 10th, 2006, a crowd of protesters created chaos at the National Holiday ceremony in front of Taiwan's Presidential House. They were calling for the deposition of President Chen on various counts of untrustworthy behavior - supposed embezzlement and corruption, unclearness on the spending of funds. The protesters stopped traffic, shook the cars of foreign delegates invited to attend the ceremony, fought whilst the ceremony was commencing, and in general ruined our National Holiday. It is also alleged that among the most demonstrative protestors were several assemblymen who had been in scandals involving corruption in the past few years. Appearantly they hoped their exuberant presence in the protest would both whitewash their 'misunderstandings' with public duty and also give them a plateform to show themselves.
It's the National Holiday. I'm not going to say I'm for or against the deposition of President a-Flat. I'm just saying that if their is any amount of justice or patriotism in the overthrowing of the Prez, it's all gone to moot with ruining our National Holiday. This day was not made for our president, it wasn't even made for the party he represents - it was made for our country. This country really isn't that bad. Simply protesting won't make it better. Actively voting for people who don't bribe, instead of not voting and letting vile, corrupt people (and their families) get elected, might help. A woman president known for lack of foresight won't make it better. Revolution will definitely make it worse. The greatest upheaval is in the hearts of the red/green(christmas colors, did you notice?)-shirted men and women. There are bigger fish to fry, sirs, and more effective ways to fry them.
On parties.
The history of a Party is suppose to represent its spirit. That's why teaching the history of a party, especially in a good light, is important for parties. But circumstances change, and what was idealism then when put to the test of power often cannot blossom into the visions it promised.

October 9, 2006 aspirations and miscellaneous

2006-10-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

Went to cramschool on sunday. On the way I saw two blouses in the style I loved with slight tightening at the elbow, lower-collar and upperwaist - also in a very demure shade of deep grayish blue. Unfortunately did not bring enough cash with me. Attempted to bargain with the sales lady with my 7-11 coupon but was futile. Thought about returning to the train station after going home to get cash but decided not to since waiting for the bus is a prime waste of time and I have to weigh my time values against a pretty blouse. Have to be hopeful the thing will still be there next week.
On the other hand, went to the bookstore that night and ate my heart out. There were at least five books I would love to take home. Swore to myself that if I can't afford books I won't buy clothes until I can.
Our first exams for this semester are coming up. Surprisingly I love physics - even though I've flunked all but one of the quizzes that came up. All that really matters to me is that I'm enjoying my studies. My roommate Deborah told me I am one of the most unpressured people she's met. Not exactly a good thing if you want to survive in Taiwan's grade grinding churnmill. I want to live with no regrets. My mind is already quite vague with life's memories, at least I shan't make it a blur of intensive work - no day light. To me, hell would be a cell with absolutely nothing in it - no books to read, paper to write and draw on... that's why waiting for the bus is hell if there's no one waiting for the same bus as I (if there is I can read, my friend says I'm like an impolite old lady).
University of my dreams, please accept me. I'll write a love letter to you every day if that's what it takes.
ps: Ah, yes, wore a big white sunhat that day to cramschool mostly to fend off sun but also to refute the conservative Southern Taiwan fashion-sense. It was in partly Shu-tren-may style but looked better on me than on her. (the female mentioned is a product in the last two or three years of the increasingly homebound Taiwanese media)
pps: was curious why hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) was used as a disinfectant and its use was later deposed of. Asked health teacher and she said it was because it kills bacteria efficiently, but also kills human cells. It's a bit too irritating. Later read in the aging book shown above that it creates large amounts of free radicals (not sure if I'm translating right since I'm reading the chinese version) that destroys cells, especially targeting the genes in our nucleus. Interesting. I read another part of the book to my roommate Cindy and she said 'eww'. Roughly translated it said something like "fat is also susceptible to oxygenating, you can put the oil of your thanksgiving turkey out in the air for two or three days and then attempt smelling or tasting it, I guarantee you'll puke." Cindy is something of a gourmet, and anything concerning bad food makes her cringe. I love living with people I can tease.

August 28, 2006 Perfect Happiness

2006-10-11T06:07:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I cannot be connected to God because I do not believe in perfect happiness. Then again, if any sort of world were perfect, I would not be happy. I've heard once that it isn't the environment we must ask for perfection, but our personalities to mature enough to appreciate whatever is there.
I used to think about what heaven was like. In 'Anne of Green Gable' series it was mentioned by one of the characters that heaven is us all up in the clouds singing and playing harps to praise God. I thought - now that seems horribly dull... Can we not do anything else? Study, perhaps? In that movie which I forget the name of played by Robert something (the guy who also played in Madame Doubtfire) it is said that heaven is all our best dreams come true. But that doesn't mention God in any way, which is the total context of what is 'eternal life'. I would like to think of heaven, my heaven, a place full of books and paper and pens and light - a library, really, or a mansion full of books, pillows, nice pens, paint boards, a ballroom, music...etc. Everything that I love.
I must be insane, but I prayed to God that - that I may die before I lose everything that makes me happy.
Sometimes a delicious shiver passes through me and I feel that I must follow it - that I must pursue something of grand importance and beauty - that there is truly something greatly worth pursuing. They say it is God. I do not know... perhaps we pin this longing on us to Him who is almighty and worthy - yet I cannot be made to feel the love for God in me to be as close to the passion that shoots fleeingly through my heart . To seek something - experience a joy a beauty that only life can give... something more than what is now. Perhaps there is a reason and a goal for this unknown longing, perhaps it is merely because we are humans and forever longing for what is not to be. I felt this sort of joy when I read Madeliene L'Engle's books, yet hers are an elementary stage, though highly pure. I felt this in 'The Dark Materials' by Philip Pullman (I admired this work so much that I took the bother to remember the author's name) to a rather spread out quality - yet his work seemed to speak more of the darkness of things.

Romance - for what purpose?

2006-08-24T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel that - I must either be incapable of love, or that all romances are false, and I've finally seen through the bliddy bubble.
You know, there's just this personality streak in me that drives me to defy and question all things considered natural in this world, and what would be called more natural than love? Perhaps my statement is too hasty, perhaps it is because, so far, I have never felt true love, or my idea of true love. Can true love be fickle, proud, and faulted? Can I love without there being some advantageous reason for me to do so?It seems that I have longed for, and accepted, romance simply because the idea was attractive to me : To experience palpitations of the heart, the longing, the jealousy , the owning and belonging. Ah!But do I really care for tie individual to whom my affections are seemingly bestowed? So far I have as yet to know what it is to love without vanity.
Even noble love seems false to me. For now that men and women are more equal it is difficult to say that anyone is so perfect as to deserve all the respect/adoration that a mate may shower upon him. I see in my school young lovers, people who have barely known each other for a year before they are holding hands. How long can such affection last? And to what end? I do not long for the pain and jadedness that would accompany the end. Rather would the first I hand my heart to in innocence be enduring.
On another subject, I do not know whether it makdes people or if they do not notice it, but often I find myself irrepressibly drawn to staring at people : at their visages, inflections in their voices, the way they hold themselves and fit themselves into life. I know it is rude, yet it seems the only way I can connect to people. To understand them deeply, the reason to why they are what they are. Only with understanding do I find true congenality in myself. I fancy myself open-minded, yet too many times I meet individuals whose intents and purposes I cannot understand at all. Why are they willing to be who they are? Sometimes, I catch myself, and wonder if I'm entirely sure of my own intentions? Always, I come away hollow. I never find what I seek, however intensely I try.
I find myself making up excuses for my aloofness. I do not wish to know their names, to converse animatedly with them. Is it a fault not to make friends everywhere you go? It if is, I truly have not the strength the remedy it. Why must I sink myself deeper into iniquity? If I make an effort to associate, it would not be entirely sincere, thus it would be a lie. I feel already quite empty, will making empty gestures fulfill me? It is easy to say: Those who are content are happy. It is not easy to be always content. Sometimes I think I was born either to contemplate the world or to help. I cannot stand the thought that I would be entirely unuseful to the world.

Math is a subconscious ability!

2006-08-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to bed feeling a little less accomplished than the day before because I hadn't done as much math and Physics as I had meant to do. (On a side note, I find Physics far more fun than I had initially believed it to be. May this attitude continue all the way to electronics, which is coming up soon in the physics course!)
Perhaps it is because of things undone, perhaps it was because I mistook a 80% score on math for 43%, which would mean I would be flunking math (AGAIN!). I fell asleep and dreamt I was close up to a test paper, calculating physics. I had done about three problems when suddenly a math sheet popped up and I was calculating math. There were no edges to the sheet or my dream. No table underneath or anything, at least, not that could notice. It was like a screen fixed to my eyeballs. I was doing math. I had not calculating paper nor pencil yet I was going through the algorithms in my mind and I tell you it was a lot faster than doing it by pen. What I want to state is that I am absolutely certain I was jumping through the numbers and going through every equation. It wasn't simply a dream of me doing math. It was me doing math! I don't know how to make you all understand the reality of the calculating.
A lot of studies are conducted on dreaming and one thing is absolutely certain - almost all individuals who dream cannot read words in dreams. You dream of opening a book and the first sentence you see is gibberish. You dream of opening a comic and all the dialogue spaces are simply that : spaces. I myself often try to read the amazing books I pick up in my dreams only to discover in disappointment that I either wake up from trying to recognize the symbols or see nothing in them. But now appearantly math is a different matter. I don't know about any studies concerning the use of math, art, or chemistry in dreams, but I'm sure there are some out there. With complete ignorance of any such studies I am delighted now to realize that I can do math in dreams!
I can do math, but it made me realize I really am not that fab at it. I distinctly recall myself miscalculating problem number five out of the ten problems I was doing and I also distinctly recall myself inhibiting the idea of redoing the problem because I simply didn't want to! This is bad news. Will have to dis-learn this habit.

economics, bloody hell

2006-08-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere (was it "Collapse" or "Freakonomics"?) that gross cost for everyday living has gone up without salaries of individuals going up accordingly. That is why families are opting for double income and less(or no) children in order to assure that they get a decent living. (besides, having children does not guarantee security in one's old age as it once did, even in Asian countries).
I applaud the trend of having less children though it is worrisome that the places where less children are really necessary are still churning out vast amounts of tragedy(I say tragedy because the children have minimum chances of surviving til adulthood). Everybody knows that and whenever we see those sad starving faces we become extremely agitated and decide to support the handout system, which could solve the problem for a day but not for times to come. It is already proven that the handout method will not work, however charitable the intentions. The child who is fed today still may die if a flux in the system let access to food be cut off for a week or if he stepped on a landmine.
What I find charming are those organizations that go to these countries to teach them to farm, or sanitation... backing from the local government is needed however to maintain this. And it's difficult to get any stability in a country broken by civil war and corruption. I asked a professor once about the South America problem - why are most of the people so poor that they desire to go to the States or join gangs and sell guns and flesh? The professor said that he had talked to economists in one of the countries there and they all knew how to make their markets expand and their GPI increase but knowing the methods and the availability for such methods to work were two things. What that country needed was a strong, clean political personality.
I was frightened this weekend by the loss of one of my molding contacts (the type that you put on at night and it shapes your eyeballs so that you wake up capable of seeing clearly in the morning). It's not cheap, and losing it meant I'd go about nearly blind. Which would seriously effect all areas of my performance: my academic performance would suffer because I could not see the black board clearly, my scholastic equipement clearly. But I would be less focused on my studies because I can't see the world and would care less about it, preferring to sleep and live in novels. I would also lose my person abilities because I can't see people I know and thus would neglect to greet them.
There is a connection I want to point out. If my parents were financially able to purchase such contacts for me at any available time I wouldn't have to face to potential of losing a few grades. I know this sounds petty because after all there are people who are in worst straits than I but I am merely making this point.
There is also something else I want to make an instance of in accordance with economy, physical problems implementing psychological ones and thus performance - all in a vicious cycle that would worsen the situation whether the placing of economic fraility goes first or last. My mother has a tumor in her head; she has headaches, blackouts, insomnia and decreased amount of energy. This effects her capability of sound judgement. She becomes hasty, short-tempered, excessive and authoritarian. She says she cannot work because 1. she's too old to be accepted easily into the job market 2. her physical condition would worsen if she stressed 3. she has to take care of us children.
The way I see it is, even though I know she tries, it isn't really useful for her to take care of us as in staying home a lot. I am capable of going to classes by bus and dad is capable of taking me places also. I no longer need her tutelage in studying. In my brother's case he should learn to take the bus since he's in junior high already and he really does not benefit from her nagging - in fact, it creates the opposite effect intended. The less she nags the more effective she would be because her words would have more value, but she doesn't see that.
It matters to our family whether she works or not, though y father's income is sufficient if we lived economically, the case is not so.
My father broached the subject with my mother today. He said that if she would stop using the credit card we would be much better off . My mother retalitated that my father doesn't give her cash so she has to use the credit card and she needs it to buy gas. Well, said my father, I can give you a hundred NT a day (that equals about three dollars) and it should suffice for a any necessities that crop up and should also be enough for gas. My mother said it isn't.
Dad:If you stop buying softdrinks and snacks and pleasure like that it would be.
Mom: I want to be thin(the pronounciation in chinese for pleasure and desire to be thin are the same, though I'm quite certain my mom got the gist).
Me: The softdrinks are what's boosting your weight, mom, stop buying them. Their sugar content is too high. (she ignors me)
Dad: I can give you a hundred a day and more for gas.
Mom: I'm tired, I haven't slept well last night. (she goes up to bed 11 am in the morning and the entire negotiation goes up in smoke).
It would seem incredulous to any sane person that such my mother would contradict herself in this way. The credit card is a horrible reassurance that we would be eating next month's paycheck this month, and the softdrinks and snacks are not a necessity. My mom spends more than a hundred NT each day buying foodstuffs and more than that buying miscellaneous objects of doubtable practical use. She used to keep a book for the money she spends and that made her more cautious but now she doesn't because it takes effort. And she lacks the effort - she's tired and in pain all the time.
So this is the problem : her phyical problems are effecting her psyche and thus her ability of sound judgment. My lost of contacts may effect my personal performance in all facets of life. But not to worry, I pilfered my brother's contacts since he's about as blind as I am and he has physical glasses while I do not. So he can compensate with glasses and I can compensate with his contacts. My mother, however, cannot get surgery because the risks are too high.

Chivalry isn't dead, why?

2006-07-21T01:46:00.000-07:00

I have an idea that the way males view their gender role in our society is a cultural phenomenom. I wonder if guys in other countries with different cultural backgrounds are faced with the same conflicts? Yesterday in an orientation class for Juniors a question was posed for the male body of our class :Would you help a girl (who is only a friend, not gf) when she asked you even if the request were unreasonable? (ex: I'm stranded in Taipei, I know you're in Kaohsiung and all you have is your ratty motorcycle but I really wish you'd come pick me up.) About thirty percent of the guys said they would help the girl. Do you feel that you just can't refuse any request a girl makes? about 10 % raised their hands. I'm like : Whoa, what's with these guys? Now I know why Mr.Jtung took the bus for two hours the day before the exams to help me with my math - it wasn't infatuation, it was a strange overpowering sense of duty to help this definitely undeserving individual simply because she happened to be a damsel in distress.
Chivalry is sweet. I use it sometimes to judge the decency of a guy though my standards are doubled. For example, if a guy were to hold out the door for me, I would think he were decent. If I scented officiousness - that he was totally focused on me while performing this service - I would think him indecent. If a guy didn't hold open the door for me, I would think him indecent only when he had proven to be completely inconsiderate to the feelings of others; but if he didn't hold the door for me and from his later actions I find that he is an open individual who values equality and freedom I would say he is a decent fellow because the act of chivalry is actually a suggestion of inequality that must later be paid back in some way. (ex: females are to be revered, but also viewed as objects of passion, not creatures capable of initiative equal to a man's). The way to exert control over me is to hold the door for me but do it as a matter of course instead of an objective, immediately returning to business after the act, which would signal to me that this is a responsible, courteous individual who was brought up well. I'm trying to train my brother to have a tint of chivalry because that's what's going to make women willing to be the follower. But not too much so that he'd be a doormat, which he unfortunately already is.
I'm quite unhappy, though. As I've stated in earlier entries, males have domination over leadership in a way that women cannot quite equal. Authority is hard to exert when you're trying to be a role model woman. You can't please men and women at the same time. I felt this inequality keenly today while we were playing group games. I started to make a suggestion and one of the males cut in smoothly to make a statement. I acknowledge the fact that he did good leading, but I also felt the inability to make an impression on the entire group as he did, even if I had the same words, the same gestures, the same attitude. It just wasn't the same. A female does not sound authoritative when she is using a female's sweet, concilatory voice (if she uses a bossy voice she is inevitably disliked), gesturing with her fragile hands... But I guess in a way it was my own fault. I noticed that I tend to let leadership run to others simply because I don't desire the responsibility as much. I become incapable of making strong decisions because there is someone else to do it, so why not let him? But actually I know that I can make the decisions, I just need to know that there is no one else to make them. I'm not so eager to press forward, competing. They say in Taiwan that I raise my hand a lot to voice my opinions, which they consider bold and courageous. The fact is if there were a lot of people raising their hands I may not be the one who is able to take the most advantage of the teacher's resources. In Taiwan I may seem impossibly bold, but in the US these acts would be horribly normal. And so my courage is something that must be put in perspective.
Back to my topic. I'm sure there's somewhere I can read about studies on chivalry. It's been a very interesting topic for me since to me it seems like one of the factors that 's tipping the male/female placement like a blind ritual.
I've also got to get my hands on 'apples and oranges economics' which the economics and even sociologist professors seemed really keen on.

Solomon's ring

2006-05-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish something impossible would happen, just so I could hold on to my dreams longer - my ability to believe. A few days before while I was walking home from school a guy with amusing facial features and orange hair came up to me proffering a card. Almost out of instinct I shook my head at him and walked on. Suddenly I realized that I was losing something - childish belief, trust... whatever it was that made me believe in fairy tales, that let my sense of credulity stay sharp, that allowed the power of immortality to trickle into my conscious - the ribbon that connected me to God. These things that are so important to hoping in life are deteriorating due to my increasing cynism. And hope is the only thing that makes life worth living, right? We're already too far developed mental wise to go back to living instinctivelly simply to live. I wouldn't wish it, for it would feel as though I were cheated out of knowing what it meant. Not knowing that I lived emptily. Yesterday I looked in the shadows hoping a vampire would arise out of it, ready to bite me. Not that I enjoyed the thought of death, but that something existed to keep me hoping. As though by one impossibility I could retain credulity for all the fantasies.
Read "Solomon's ring" for two days. Recommend it. I admire his patience and love for animals. I have not the patience to lie in the grass all day listening to birds make sounds. Something drives me to go forward, however blindly, as if to prove that my days are not wasted. Every time I slow down this voice in my head chirps on and on like some broken recorder "life's so short, so short, so short, so short..."
I'm afraid that I may be losing contact with my friends - or the ability to make our visits 'worthy and enjoyable'.Yesterday my friend wanted to go watch a movie, but I wanted to go to the bookstore - so he went to the bookstore with me instead. It was like we had nothing to say, but I believe it may be due to the fact that neither of us contained the adquate amount of time to warm up our connection. It took me and Tarve about a day and more before we really had a conversation that really opened up our minds, but that was because he was staying with us for the weekend. There are friendships when one can talk on and on animately immediately with nothing really vital to share, while there are some that simply need time. Perhaps I need more patience - and to give more time to people I care about. I find writing the best way to communicate immediately, because it's inspiration, no interruptions that one cane see, and not interrupted feedback either.
Desire is a source of grief.

a trick of satan?

2006-01-24T23:00:00.000-08:00

History has strengthened a strong dislike in modern humans for authoritarian figures, proving it is a path leading towards evil, corruption, tyranny, and suffering for those lead. Why? In Philip Pullman's 'His dark materials' he sculpted the ultimate image of freedom - that all good come from independent good discipline, and we are capable of such. Any sort of authority must be questioned, especially the highest - for who is to say that God is not merely another angel, albeit an aged and more powerful one. Who dares to claime himself as the creator?
Rebellion has been put constantly into a saintly light. Yes, for humans it is necessary, for humans are naturally faulty and prone to the allure of power, the be washed in mad pride at becoming 'the authority', yet what is it to God? Can any of us be compared to God?
Perhaps it is as the devil intends, we will shy from being 'lambs of God, to be guided and obediant' because we learn from history to dislike being ruled, for we suspect it all to be of evil intent. I have felt fear, for we humans have been referred to in Jesus' parables as wheat, and lambs - all to ultimately be sacrificed/butchered/baked for the reaper to consume, right? the elders scolded me, saying that it is merely parables, yet I wonder.... can the bible be imperfect? Can Jesus lie? Than why use such parables that would excite fear?

reflections on a scrape

2006-01-24T22:59:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Discovered that my knee injury sustained yestermorn was more serious than I had surmised - mere scratches - and was consequently given a titanus shot followed by two shots to prevent infection - none of which pleased me and all which gave me no small pain. I should be able to endure it, for it's but a petty ache, as a human being there are far more painful things to endure than shots in one's dignity, and being aware of that, am getting along best as I can. I do hope that with all this, I will not get infected none the less, for if I do I shall certainly retain a scar, though I don't much care now it may prove detrimental to my future interests/pursuits.
Had a very bad experience at the NewYear's party, mostly because I discovered that I had very different views of what seemed amusing than those present. For one thing the coordinator seems such an imposing ass. Not that I mean to swear but he's one of those grownups I do not wish to grow up associated with for we are so dissimilar in mind and he relies too heavily on his influence, power, and facade of benevolence. For another thing they played truth or dare, and all the options were detestable to me as it involved one of my dear friends who was forced to admit false things in order to save both himself and others from embarrassment. I felt harrassed for him and quickly quit the game with the true excuse of aching eyes. Most everyone stayed up till morning singing Karaoke, it seemed a treat for them to stay up all night but for myself I found it an encumberance as I had to go to class the very next noon and could not stay awake there to learn anything of import, and I believe my math holds far more value than staying up playing games with malignant intent.Also one of the senior members there expressed an interest in me that may not have been proper. I would say no more here as it may cause me harm. The debate circle is anything but pure, and I would like to escape it as soon as prudency allows. There is, indeed, far more profit to my long term goals to save myself from many temptations. I would do it for a beloved husband, a harmonious marriage...etc. I am not weak to rely my happiness on marriage. Marriage is a sacrament that has been cheaply priced of late, by too many, and I intend to preserve it's original worth - it is essential to much satisfaction, comfort and joy to one's life.
'Agnes Grey' is a tolerable book, but what I find most precious in these books is the lesson it teaches me - of consideration to others, and the evil of over-prepossessed vanity in the self. This misguided value is so blandly preached in our fashion mags that it is considered the norm, consequently producing a generation of simpering, infidel, vain, coquettish and weak-willed women, certainly not worth the status that we demand. It is a warning that I should heed.
Another book I read these days is 'Persuasion', and it's a mere novel, for it spouts no new idea but reiterates the ideal of men who deal evil shall eventually be found out and striped of all respect they gained by foul, heartless means or handsome exteriors... It is but an ideal, so I call it rather insipid. But otherwise it is very enjoyable.

concerning the finals

2006-01-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

Friday, January 13, 2006
Am going to veer off from my normal line and post something utterly mundane. Geography, however informational, always finds me reading the same sentence over and over again without conscious comprehension. The finals are next week and I have to study the work we did for the past two months because I don't do homework during the in between exams time. Pathetic. Every new exam has me swearing that I'll do better next time, but I should start taking responsibility for my actions of today, now, this moment, and that great hunk of workload from my procrastinating past. I also discovered to my dismay that I would have gotten 100% if I had taken two hours out of my moping around, cooking, washing dishes/clothes, reconnoitoring my bookshelf/closet, reading vile novels, dreaming of the impossible...etc time to study chapter 4-1 in math, instead of the 15% I got (deservedly). All I can curse is myself; not my mother who makes me spend time watching math videos taught by a professor who makes me snore, not my father who doesn't bother defending me from such meaningless encagement by mother in front of said video teaching, not my teachers in unimportant subjects who stress the importance of their own subjects and consequently issue senseless but time-consuming reports - but myself.
Though when I'm feeling extremely romantic I start believing that I'm cursed by an evil/unknown classmate who doesn't want me to study at all - because that person doesn't know that I'm not really a threat.
And all that's going through my mind is not math, but self-repression. I'm much too careless to be righteously morale. And everyday I'm waiting for the sky to drop down on me because I'm such a selfish bastard. I'm perfectly frightened by the notion of death, and nothingness, and that's the only thing that's keeping me properly tiered to my faith. I love so many things and yet I feel that my love is nothing but passion - which is unreasonable, which is all in all untrue, and thus I doubt my own feelings and my God. There are too many things I do imperfectly, and feelings I have that are unrighteous. I'm ambitious - though talentless as a leader, I want to be a leader. I'm amorous - yet I've never had a decent, devoted relationship. All my relationships have been imbalanced by my unwillingness to commit and immense immaturity on both sides.
Can I really be all the things that I believe are good? Or can these things only be said but not done? I pray to God my depression to keep, for depression will only lower my status, and thus begin a vicious cycle of dejection in an already unhealthy life. I know evil, and it troubles me to distraction. I know good, yet there are many things that I'm inclined to do that are not at all good. A lack of courage has kept back this stream of destruction. Once I believe if we had magic the world would be marvelous, but I realized that with my sort of inability to control myself, magic would cause more harm then good, and leave behind a stream of utter regret. So it's wonderful that there's no such thing as magic in the world. Fairy tale popped.
I don't anticipate physics when I get to be a junior. I'd be like building a castle on air - my mind simply cannot connect the reasons of formulas to their later usage ...etc. I'd have to like it. And if I'm determined enought to like it with the love that I have for all things but meaningless physical labor, I shall be able to overcome it.
Geography awaits me. And God.

The unruly mind

2006-01-24T22:56:00.000-08:00

I hate all my weaknesses. It's a weakness to adore someone. And maybe it's not true love. Took me such a long time to realize my weakness is in my passion yet feel completely helpless about it. One simply cannot change the way one is inclined, especially when that inclination includes a vast quantity of self-forgiveness. How can I trust myself? Yet who can I trust but myself? Why do I ignor those who truly care for me? Why am I such a contrary creature?
Yesterday I asked him "so you're leaving for Taipei tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Right." I nodded, feeling something like regret, and left. Later I came back and wished him a safe journey. "Thank you." he said, looking at me with an expression that meant something - but I can't read minds.
I cannot express myself. I can 'act', but so exaggeratedly that those around me know I'm fooling around. He seemed somewhat harrassed yesterday - he has such a burden, and little compensation. Yesterday he was talking to this old lady (he really is the kindest person to old ladies, treating each and every one of them like his own mother) and said that even here, in Taiwan, he has to translate the weekly devotional. He said his only joy is playing soccer, and that he's a broken vessel. The old lady made some inane comments on how he's such a good tool for God.
I hate this. This constant feeling of fear, anxiety, and pain. Simply the age incongruity would defeat us. Not to mention that I'm constantly aware of my imperfections in comparison to what one would require to be his helpful mate - his wife. He would never dare propose it to me if it could ever enter his head because he's too decent.
And I would be giving up so much. My mother warned me - she would absolutely dissapprove... I wouldn't care if I loved him enough. But do I truly love him? Surely, he's humorous and has the cutest smile, though my friend calls him plain.
He had to nearly leave for a job because he couldn't support his mother and teenage brother on church funds alone.
He said he wouldn't eat dinner yesterday - he just didn't feel like it. He said he could go for three days without a meal. I was shocked. The old woman asked him why and he said "I lost my love (in chinese)." then he claimed he was joking. But he really did seem so melancholy. I said I told my classmates that I'd lost my love too when they asked why I took such a long time cleaning up, he looked at me and made a sound like "really?", I laughed heartlessly and said "No, I was just kidding."
On ministering a few days ago a few drunken men told me I was pretty, asked me for my number, and tried to hold on to my arm. I smiled tightly and said thank you, all the while trying to hide myself behind him. He seemed surprised at their rudeness and told a few of us girls later "Don't talk to them when they try to talk to you, some of them are a little crazy." when he said this he didn't look at me once, and I felt accused of something I did... Nothing happened like that on later nights, perhaps I was only so pretty that night, or the environment especially ungodly. I hope he would not think badly of me - and so far all I've acted is the insensate, insensible and fidgety girl. Surely he would desire a sensible one. I'm not particularly humorous either, though I appreciate amusing people.
and yesterday night I fasted. I prayed for him - and us. Surely I have too little virtues to let him feel any interest in me, yet I hope.
He calls himself 'uncle' in front of another girl who is older than me, yet he doesn't call himself 'uncle' in talking to me. I wouldn't desire it, for it would seem so odd considering how I feel about him. He seems to appreciate my appreciation of his wit, for he would turn around and look at me after cracking a joke. I was shocked at first of learning his age... yet so far he is the only man I've met who's like my father, yet so much more pleasant and amusing. I'd like to marry a man who's like my father. And he's not too much older for he's only as old as the last man who proposed to me. and it'd be quite impossible for one his age to father me on any account, for he'd only be 11.
His friend seems to take a much more obvious interest in me, for the man talks to me nonstop even when we have nothing to talk about. I happen to know that his friend already has a girlfriend, so his behavior is unreasonable. Of course he asks the most innocuous questions that wouldn't arouse an ounce of suspicion as to his intents, but on comparison he doesn't talk to the other girls/women around us when we're in a group and focuses so intensely on me, so aware of where I am even when I'm trying to hide. He must have noticed it, for he hardly joins us when his friend talks to me.
Oh God, what am I doing?

The unification church... why?

2006-01-11T18:56:00.000-08:00

Something quite sad.
It's a horrid cult. 'The Unification church'. There are so many indications that this man cannot be god, because 1. He is not sure of it himself and must consult seances. 2. He enjoys sex with innocent young maidens, many of them, claiming that by having sex with him they are 'purified'. 3. He doesn't allow freedom for members to choose their own mates. 4. He sounds like the creator of the Islamic faith or the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom. Is it possible that there can be three such known people who claime they have been assigned divine mission by God himself? 5. He demands that members turn over all their worldly assets. If he were really as saintly, should the worldly assets of his members matter to him? I realize I'm not sounding very coherent as I'm quite tired, sorry.
I believe he is quite mad, and has grandiose delusions of being deity, like Evita and her Peron from Argentina back in their glory days when she aspired to be a saint in the eyes of her people when she and her husband were really embezzling scandalous funds from the people... There is a fact that people who delude themselves and others may actually start to believe in their importance.
And cause massive pain to others, who are brainwashed to obedience.
Give no power to others but that what you are willing. For any power you have is your will, and if you willingly submit to other's, make yourself inferior to him/her, then you are giving up your power.
This cult has been spreading all over mainland china where people are less informed. Take notice and stop it! Next time I will attempt to translate an article (if I have time, that is) about a young girl who alienated her family because of this cult.
By the way, Moll Flanders has a horrible main character, if you can't differentiate between modesty and corruption, don't read it.

New years and new revelations

2006-01-11T18:55:00.000-08:00

Discovered that my knee injury sustained yestermorn was more serious than I had surmised - mere scratches - and was consequently given a titanus shot followed by two shots to prevent infection - none of which pleased me and all which gave me no small pain. I should be able to endure it, for it's but a petty ache, as a human being there are far more painful things to endure than shots in one's dignity, and being aware of that, am getting along best as I can. I do hope that with all this, I will not get infected none the less, for if I do I shall certainly retain a scar, though I don't much care now it may prove detrimental to my future interests/pursuits.
Had a very bad experience at the NewYear's party, mostly because I discovered that I had very different views of what seemed amusing than those present. For one thing the coordinator seems such an imposing ass. Not that I mean to swear but he's one of those grownups I do not wish to grow up associated with for we are so dissimilar in mind and he relies too heavily on his influence, power, and facade of benevolence. For another thing they played truth or dare, and all the options were detestable to me as it involved one of my dear friends who was forced to admit false things in order to save both himself and others from embarrassment. I felt harrassed for him and quickly quit the game with the true excuse of aching eyes. Most everyone stayed up till morning singing Karaoke, it seemed a treat for them to stay up all night but for myself I found it an encumberance as I had to go to class the very next noon and could not stay awake there to learn anything of import, and I believe my math holds far more value than staying up playing games with malignant intent.Also one of the senior members there expressed an interest in me that may not have been proper. I would say no more here as it may cause me harm. The debate circle is anything but pure, and I would like to escape it as soon as prudency allows. There is, indeed, far more profit to my long term goals to save myself from many temptations. I would do it for a beloved husband, a harmonious marriage...etc. I am not weak to rely my happiness on marriage. Marriage is a sacrament that has been cheaply priced of late, by too many, and I intend to preserve it's original worth - it is essential to much satisfaction, comfort and joy to one's life.
'Agnes Grey' is a tolerable book, but what I find most precious in these books is the lesson it teaches me - of consideration to others, and the evil of over-prepossessed vanity in the self. This misguided value is so blandly preached in our fashion mags that it is considered the norm, consequently producing a generation of simpering, infidel, vain, coquettish and weak-willed women, certainly not worth the status that we demand. It is a warning that I should heed.
Another book I read these days is 'Persuasion', and it's a mere novel, for it spouts no new idea but reiterates the ideal of men who deal evil shall eventually be found out and striped of all respect they gained by foul, heartless means or handsome exteriors... It is but an ideal, so I call it rather insipid. But otherwise it is very enjoyable.

The effects of poetry, as read by other poets

2005-11-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

I think of writing poetry
and it's like, a sea
going forth around me
in gentleness, yet tremendous
vast and cold and full of passion
it pushes other poets
away
and a new sea is made
like a planet born in the universe of nothing
a thing that creates dimensions
yet drives away what would cure it's ailing
for all poets are somewhat jealous
though they speak but sparingly
but my heart is full of loneliness
and I seek
somethingwhich I push away with my eloquence

a reflection of a curious specimen

2005-11-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

I have a habit - one considered a fault - of gazing into reflective surfaces whenever such happens across my sight. It is vanity, curiousity and a need to assure myself of my existence. I can never remember the way I look. Is it strange? I may call up an image of a friend in my mind, but to me my own image is always novel, something that I can't quite picture, yet it is there. Me. How sensational a thought! That the shell I dwell in, from whence I commence my movements, share my passions, and dictate thought - how gawky it looks, how like a child - and yet more of a woman than many others... I cannot agree with it more, or less. It has become like me - yet imperfect.
Today, as I was reading Villette, I noted the fact that how these writers note persons so well, and from their face can glean true glimpses into their natures. And I saw myself as I was entering a Watsons. I often surprise myself with my own image. I noted her face, and it was pale, round as the moon, weary, and yet such a queer mien! Of all the faces I noted on the way to the store, not one had such sullenness, such defiance, such as would anger those who wish to dictate - and indeed I have sometimes wondered why that I of all people most often incur the wrath and vexation of the most despotic teachers, though I believe I conduct myself quietly enough, and within the boundaries of common rules (unreasonable ones I invariably ignor).
Those eyes, which stared at me boldly, though a little resentfully, were full of challenge. These were not the eyes of one who could submit, but one who actively seeked to question all that were laid before her. They were not wide, long-fringed - of a innocent doe seeking shelter, such as those set in slight females which men in my country covet. Mine were worldly, pained, and held a curious compassion. Most of all they spoke of independence - this could win no favor in those men mentioned.
Pride was written clearly on the contours of my jaw and mouth. Pride and stupidity. Of the forehead there was a sad deficiency of genius, though of lay fancy was given a generous portion.
My gait - ah, that which I had ever thought horribly awkward, showed pride and clumsiness, carelessness and sobriety. I often observe my own shadow cutting across the sidewalk before me with the most unholy interest (for is it not unholy to be so self-obsessed?) and noted it's sense of purpose, also it's tendency to wander. I am often attracted by things I find beautiful. The light filtering through a grove of trees, rusty bars on a milk-white window, a shimmery green beatle wandering about, a she-dog purposefully trotting to some destination that holds import only to her, the ankle of a classmate, how a pigeon, in it's carriage and attitude, is so different from that of a bee. They were made with the same hand, guided to life by the same God. What greatness He holds, to give such a variety of beauty and personality to each and every species!
I never seemed to know myself. My bearing and contours were always a great mystery to me. But today I saw so much more of me than I could say in one simple essay. So much more of who I was, the person I had become through my years, shone transparent through that otherwise bland face.
I loved her. She was all my glory and weaknesses melded into one person. Looking back at baby pictures, featuring a plump, naked child with rather large eyes, pouting lips, and a generally odd air, I seem so different! If another soul with a different temperament dwelt in my body, perhaps I would not look the way I do now. She was decidedly, who I had chosen to be. There is truth in looking in a face, however formed at birth, truth is written in it.
In this respect, at least, I am glad of being true to myself.
Random Vocabulary:
Mendacity
The condition of being mendacious; untruthfulness.
A lie; a falsehood.
Mordant
Bitingly sarcastic: mordant satire.
Incisive and trenchant: an inquisitor's mordant questioning.
Bitingly painful.
Serving to fix colors in dyeing.
Pecuniary
Of or relating to money: a pecuniary loss; pecuniary motives.
Requiring payment of money: a pecuniary offense.

reflections after reading "Anthem"

2005-09-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

When I choose paper to write on, I look for paper that can calm me, that, simply looking at it brings me peace. It is difficult to find such paper of late in Taiwan. We have a surge of people who desire objects that are bold in color and design. The market both fosters and supplies this trend.
I am very picky with paper. I cannot stand cheap prints, for that would make my writing seem worthless; I cannot stand bold colors, it would distract me from my work; I cannot like blue or pink paper, it would tender my emotions and change what I had determined to write.
Such as it is… I enjoy the power I have, to pick and choose, to desire freely and have hope of obtaining. Is it not in human nature to desire power, be it in other humans or objects?
The worst torture, I believe, is to be rendered entirely powerless. To be told not to desire, not to own. Even the beggar has his bowl, his rags, his sidewalk and his will to travest the streets, though he may be reviled. If one were to say to you “Your work is matter of course, your life’s meaning is to be constantly grateful and why should you desire rewards for your labor? Why should you desire to be distinguished among men as someone special? If you attempt to do so we shall crush you.” What torture would such be! To own nothing, not even to love! Man was born to rule the world, not to live the life of an ant, where all his rudiments were designed to serve his colony and his queen.

short treatise on the puzzles of life

2005-08-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

We try to impress
knowing nothing, trying to save
light in a bottle, dreaming destinies
that have yet to be known
what would we be if we knew only slowly
and our minds were blind?
what would be left, but raw desire
for the satisfaction of the body
and pride?
Sing sweetly, little bird
for now I close
the blinds of destiny
like the stars
have never been shown
to our yearning eyes
what we wish
has been before, and vast
they were, suns multiplied
but now they are dead
we know not, for we see only
that twinkling bright
for hope is a light in the dark, shining
and all seems not lost
for we have their past, and hopefully
more.

Mignon's political notes 1. Population overload

2005-08-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

Mignon’s political notes – what I would change if I ever became president
Reasons we cannot achieve social stability:
1. Too many people.
2. Unhealthy family environments (immature parents)
3. High divorce rates
4. Sexual liberation
5. Untrustworthy government
6. Indiscriminate media
Today I’m focusing on 1. Too many people.
I live in a city. There are people everywhere. Competition for schools and jobs are fierce. Crime occurs like clock-work. It kind of makes one feel insignificant. It’s suffocating. You start caring less for other people because you need to preserve your personal space/sanity. I returned from the United States with smiles for everyone but realized it wouldn’t work because it’s exhausting to smile at so many people in a day, and if you smile at them they talk to you, and if they talk to you you’re obliged to listen and invest time and emotion into this new relationship that you hadn’t wanted. You simply wanted to smile at people so it’d brighten their day. At least this is my case. I’m too polite to flat out ignore someone.
In the city, there are more youths who think it’s cool to listen to songs about murder (ex: Bloody Valentine) and draw death related pictures. (Okay, I admit, I love that song, but it doesn’t mean it’s right.) Because there are too many people we withdraw into our own little minds. Our instincts know that this density threatens our very survival, so we must lessen the population. It automatically turns to desensitize ourselves from the deaths of others, so we won’t value lives so much, sometimes not even our own. Our logical side tells us that there are too many people, that in order for our society to be stable there must be less. Our in-between self is perplexed, isolated, hurt and feeling extremely powerless.
We have this famous science fiction author in Taiwan (or is it Hong Kong?) called 倪匡who writes excellent books (I wish they’d translate his work into English, he’s that good). In one of his works he mentions that mice drown themselves by the hoards when they become too crowded, and that society is not ideal because there are too many people fighting for resources. If what he says is true (I have yet to confirm it. He is, after all, a science fiction writer), why don’t humans have a self-destruct mechanism when threatened by lack of space and resources (ie: wealth, creature comforts, food, living space, jobs)? I believe we do. That’s why city people don’t care about someone being smooshed by a train in their own city, that’s why so many people commit suicide.
What I find a little disturbing is the fact that couples or single females who have less to offer their offspring find it necessary to have a lot of children. If married couples who are not well-off decide to have one or two, they would be adequately populating the world with their share of genes. I believe the growing gap between the rich and poor is also caused by the reluctance of the rich to reproduce aggressively (thus keeping their fortunes intact) and the poor reproducing at copious amounts (spreading an already meager inheritance).
That doesn’t mean I believe the rich are better parents and the poor bad ones. By “less to offer their offspring” I’m also pointing to a healthy family environment (with time to be with the kids, mature parents who don’t have psychological crutches).

Tendencies of the sexes

2005-08-04T23:39:00.001-07:00

I’m going to quote my friend Tarver on this. I had talked to him that men seem to be able to take one look at something and want it right away, while women need to be convinced and flattered by the saleslady or appraised by a friend before buying something (or in the case of falling in love, can do so by the persistence of the man even though she initially didn’t like him. For men if a girl keeps going after him most would consider her a stalker.)
“Speaking of returning to subjects, my mind still remembers one we never quite concluded. It was about the male-female mindset, how males tend to see what they want and go for it, while females need more so to be convinced. My mind had run into quite a quandary there as it reviewed all my friends and their tendencies, whether male or female. For the most part, I saw in all my male friends the tendency to see what they want right away. I proved this especially with friend Josh, who once pointed out to me all the girls in one grade that he thought were attractive. I looked at the photos, turned back a grade, and was able to point out every girl he thought was attractive in that grade. I think I rather surprised him there? But though most of my male friends are like that, I found that a select few were anything but. The worst of it was, myself was included. I could also pinpoint a select few girl friends who would choose and chase a guy right away. Fortunately, that doesn’t disprove your theory. After I thought about it more, I realized that it takes only a slight shift in wording. It’s not strictly a male’s inclination to choose immediately and a female’s job to watch and be convinced, it’s the masculine and feminine tendencies. When I think about my friends, I saw a correlation to all those who didn’t fit the male archetype. Most notably Ben and myself, all those not fitting had more feminine characteristics. Remember when I took that test and found I was more feminine than masculine? That’s what I mean. Ben took that test as well and found the same. And all females who chase guys immediately are more masculine than feminine? So, in a way, your idea holds true.”
Isn’t he an awesome writer? He concludes so well, and he soothes my ego (which is disproportionately large).

Pedophiles

2005-07-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

Absolutely shocking news.
Court Convicts 62 in France Child Rape Ring
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
ANGERS, France — A court convicted 62 defendants Wednesday in a mass pedophilia trial and sentenced some of them to up to 28 years in prison for their roles in a network that systematically raped and prostituted children in western France (search).
In the harrowing case, prosecutors said 45 children between the ages of 6 months and 14 years were raped and abused by their parents, grandparents or acquaintances in a working-class neighborhood of Angers (search) from 1999 to 2002 — at times in exchange for small amounts of money, food, alcohol or cigarettes.
Three of the 65 defendants were acquitted.
Defendants appeared one by one to hear their sentences. One of the alleged ringleaders, Eric J., pounded on the table and started an argument as the court read out his 28-year sentence. Police escorted him from the room.
Eric J. was described by prosecutors as an "ogre" accused of raping or abusing 15 children.
Victims and suspects in the trial cannot be identified by full names because of French laws designed to preserve the anonymity of child victims.
The other man handed a 28-year sentence, Philippe V., was convicted of raping three of his grandchildren. During the trial, he coldly stated he "didn't give a damn" about his own children. He had already been convicted in 1991 of raping his son.
His son, Franck V., also participated in the ring and received an 18-year sentence. Accused of 12 rapes, he was also blamed for allowing much of the abuse to occur at his apartment. His ex-wife, Patricia M., was given a 16-year term.
Pascal Rouiller (search), a lawyer for Franck V., had argued in the trial that state social workers were to blame for leaving dozens of children vulnerable to the ring that preyed on them.
More than half of the accused, aged 27 to 73, were unemployed and living off benefits in state-supported housing. Defense lawyers have said some suspects were illiterate and appeared not to fully understand the charges against them.
Moise C., who had already been convicted twice on pedophilia charges, was found guilty of rape and sexual aggression and sentenced to 18 years in prison. Considered by prosecutors as one of the most dangerous defendants, he allegedly wore a mask to hide his face while raping children.
"He needed to watch pedophile cassettes just to fall asleep," prosecutor Yvan Auriel (search) said earlier this month.
The case surfaced in 2000, when a 16-year-old girl alleged she had been raped by her mother's boyfriend and his brother.
Three couples at the heart of the case lured their children and those of their friends, relatives and neighbors by saying they were going to "play doctor," according to the prosecution's 420-page legal filing charges. One girl allegedly was raped 45 times.

Nightmare of conscious

2005-07-29T20:01:00.001-07:00

I had a nightmare last night; it was so awful it woke me up.
My dad announced suddenly that he had enrolled me in a youth seminar/camp for a few days, I was delighted and he said, “There is no time to lose, we must go now!” (Now that I think of it, why the heck was I so delighted?) So I stuffed some random necessities into a readily available duffle bag – notebook, pens, makeup-kit, math workbook (in case I get bored, I hate having nothing to do), purse, toothbrush kit and hat.
We arrived there and dad left. I went to my assigned tent and met my roommates. While we were chatting a distracting speakerphone kept blaring “Those who wish to phone may use our facilities now.” Then it was dinnertime and everyone was supposed to bring his or her own dinner, so everyone left to eat in the mess hall. I was like “What?” and double-checked my duffle, telling my new friends that I’d catch up later. Finally I went to look for the manager of the camp, who happened to be my junior high disciplinarian* and whom I recently discovered had been transferred to my new High school (There’s no escape!).
“Can I please call my mom because I didn’t bring any clothes to change, bathing objects or any dinner.”
“No, we aren’t allowing students to phone home anymore and play pretend house in our camp, in fact, we’re disconnecting the public phone lines tomorrow so you can’t phone home.”
“But they were using the phone earlier to call home!”
“They were allowed to call friends, not family.”
“What? So what should I do?”
Her eyes glazed over with a why-should-I-care-about-your-well-being look, “You didn’t bring any extra clothes?”
“No.” I said, smiling sweetly and apologetically, hoping against hope.
“Well, you’ll just have to wear this same outfit for three days, won’t you?”
My face fell with the anticipation of what my roommates would think of me grunging about three days sweaty and smelly. Not to mention what that would do to my allergic skin condition.
“Or, you could pack your bags tonight and wait in the front of the facility for you mom to pick you up,” I brightened a bit at this, “using psychic abilities to contact her. When you fail you may walk home.”
My face twisted into one of those unnatural expressions that sometimes denote constipation and mostly denote pain. “I’ll figure it out.” I said, trying to smile, and limping away.
I got back to my tent (which by some means seemed grungier and smaller than I remembered) and pulled out my duffle, then ventured towards a public phone the furthest corner from where lady disciplinarian was posted. Then I saw this narrow, twisted corridor behind a molding billboard that seemed to house some public phones and which would effectively conceal me from her sight, so I dove under it quickly and raced to the phones. My idea was, since the phones are to be disconnected tomorrow, they’re still usable to phone home now. Hopefully they won’t track me down, better yet I might convince mom to bring my stuff so I could still attend this extremely desirable seminar and nobody would discover this fiasco.
I tell you, it was a nightmare, I woke up at this point. Stress tends to hurt my sleep.
Interpretation of dream: My greatest fear is being unprepared for things which lie ahead (with my kind of imagination, can quickly see hell). I have a way harsher view of this woman than I previously believed, no wait, if she were as sweet as she seems, sometimes, why would she have attended a military school? I really must get to know her better and acknowledge her as a better human.
And there’s lacking certain mental skills that could give me better ideas than the one I had previous. I mean, how obvious could I be? If she were truly that evil and not pulling one on me she would have noted where I went after our talk.
Note to self: Never, ever go unprepared, for anything!
Nervous habit acquired: Check, check, double check!
Really, so that’s what’s bothering me, it took me two hours last night to fall asleep because I was worrying about going to school. Getting good grades, getting into med school, getting my diploma, getting a job….oooh, the list is endless.

*For those who don’t know what a disciplinarian is, it’s a term I made up for lack of proper vocabulary describing this special type of person we have here. I have never heard of them elsewhere, so forgive me for this liberal use. They are a role similar to a Matron in a private school; only most of them are guys. These people come out from military schools armed with the knowledge of handling refractory teenagers bent to destruct school ordinances – dyed hair, bullying, destroying property, too short skirts and fighting…etc. This particular disciplinarian I’m mentioning had interest in me because I was always tardy and she was always there to mark me down (or exonerate me, as her mood deemed). She claimed she had never seen a student who was so innocent and obedient in every way (well, I added the innocent) but was tardy so often. It’s not an honorable trait, I admit. Anyway, I’m curious how I’ve never heard this breed of people mentioned anywhere in English. I mean, they were a pretty powerful force in my junior high. They could nab you for things that weren’t in the school ordinances (like being cheeky to teachers, I swear I checked and it wasn’t there, we were suppose to be trusted to be respectful by our own volition because the teachers deserved it? Not a lot of kids in my district bought that) and punish you with whatever their imagination reckons appropriate. Those kids balancing buckets of water on their heads while immobilized with bent knees? Nasty.

Flowers for Algernon

2005-07-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

What does intelligence have to do with memory?
If I try to measure my intelligence by my memory, I would be horribly dim. My mind is like a sieve, in many ways. I look at books and write about them, but if I haven’t looked at a book for a week, I wouldn’t be able to write about it. After a month, I couldn’t tell you ten facts about it. Some have accused me of brilliance, but they don’t realize that I’m nothing without continual nurture. I hate going back and forth with “where, where” as the custom requires us to show humility, however false, so I just smile and say nothing. Think I’m a pompous ass? No, just a lazy one.
What lies ahead troubles me, daily. Will I be able to cope or will I sink under the mire of pressure because the curriculum was designed for geniuses, not dim-dumbs like me? Challenges excite me, too much depresses me. Most of all, I fear going under people’s expectations. For example: Suppose you meet a ball, it’s shiny and round. After you get to know the ball better, you realize it doesn’t bounce, and has flaws on the surface, just like any other ball. You would dismiss it more because it’s good points are the ones you anticipated and saw in the first place, but it’s flaws have let you down so you think less of it then ordinary balls because you thought at first to admire it and it was lower than your expectations, though not substantially, enough to make you discard it. Continual brilliance is not my thing, making a good first impression is. It’s a horrible flaw. I aim to please anyone I meet, but I hate doing it. I’m just smile and no talk, or talk and no action. It’s not completely sincere because the reason behind all the smiles is the agenda of not being punched in the face or pushed aside. I know ordinary people don’t punch complete strangers in the face, but I want to live every opportunity to meet new people to the full, because I believe everyone has great potential and good qualities in them that might make awesome friends, and by attracting them in the first round, I will have more opportunities and get to know them better later on.
It makes me angry that a girl would dismiss a guy so readily just because he didn’t match her expectations of a ‘good-looking match’. People cannot choose how they look, though they can choose a little how they look in the long run. A cruel person will look cruel when he/she is forty, a kind person will look kind vice versa. As teenagers, we can’t tell. So don’t diss someone on first sight, you might have lost a wonderful friend and created an enemy.
The fact that popular teen-magazines endorse such behavior is very disturbing.
From Cosmogirl.com's guyblog:
Worst. Date. Ever.
We've all had dating mishaps at some point, and in the moment it might seem like the world is ending, but once it is all said and done, it makes for a funny story. One of the WORST dates that I have ever been on was actually my junior prom. I went to a very small all-girls high school and for me, meeting guys was more like a search; I didn't just have them right at my fingertips.
Well because I had no guys that I could convince to go with me, I took the initiative and made a phone call to this random guy (the best friend of a friend's friend) exactly one week before the event. Sure, my heart was racing and my palms were sweating when I made that phone call, but I knew it was something that I had to do and I was glad when he agreed to go with me.
BIG MISTAKE!! The night of prom, I see this 6' 3" (which is a foot taller than me) scrawny kid with braces walk up to my front porch. All I wanted to do was hide and pretend that I was sick, but my parents wouldn't let me. After all, he was doing me a favor. I didn't talk much the whole night. I just sat and listened to him blab on about his aspirations to be a pilot. We had nothing in common, so let's just say the conversation was lacking. Since I didn't know he was going to be a giant (well next to me that is) I wore shoes with only small heels, and when it came time to dance, he literally had to pick me up to dance with me! The date ended with him dropping me off at my door and us never talking again.
Yes, it was pretty awful, but now whenever I'm on a date that seems bad, I just think about the prom guy and it all seems better (P.S. I ended up dating his friend my senior year!). What about you: have you ever gone on a date with some guy you didn't know too well and it turned out to be a disaster? Tell us what happened!
XO, Trish, Features Intern (and guest blogger)
7/21/2005 10:28:00 AM

Returned to Taiwan

2005-07-19T03:30:00.000-07:00

I've just returned to Taiwan, and it was a most interesting journey too. Got the newest Harry Potter book for less than 16 dollars, psyched! Met a 31 year old guy from Taipei who was returning to Taiwan in seek of a job after taking his graduate in Calif. Our flight was delayed 10 hours due to the typhoon ravaging Taiwan and, to escape boredom and loneliness, we chatted and wandered about searching for a clothes store so I could get clothes to change into, seeing how I was going to go without a bath for a longer time than I anticipated (which I hate, feeling grungy does not boost one's morale), turns out the clothes were way over my budget and ratty to boot, gotta love our Taiwan brandless. I ditched the idea and instead we went to my room and played video game together on my computer. Not smart of me, I know, inviting a complete stranger into my room? Don't imitate. Anyway, he was the perfect gentleman. We went to the airport to wait for our flight and I let him read my HP book while I perused a racy Cosmopolitan. I caught winds of disapproval fromt the row of male Asians sitting across from me. It's not a mag that would give a good impression on your mentality. (Big hint: Don't read when you are waiting to be interviewed for a job). He flipped through my mag too and I asked him, with a hidden smirk, what he thought of it. He stuttered, it was amusing. Wonderful person.
Waiting for the flight to Kaohsiung I happened to meet this girl who, of all things, is going to be a senior at my new Highschool and was in the same class too. She's also the president of the debate team, which I had planned to join, and gave me some great tips. She told me even if the debate team is so hot, she'd give me special pass because she's guaged my personality more. I'm thrilled that she liked me and thought me to be a useful addition to the debate team, but am quite worried that I may eventually turn out to disappoint her. High expectations cause problems. Her description of the school's general attitude makes me love it even more, it's a school that is more tolerant for diversity and fun.
When my dad picked me up he had this credit card point thing where you enter the points you have and get food in exchange, no extra charge. A year ago I would have felt dead imbarrassed being with my dad eating 'meal ticket' food outside the store waiting for the rain to stop, but I know that will hurt my dad. Trying to achieve a shallow standard like that is not worth hurting people I love. If you're comfortable with who you are and what you do so long as it doesn't hurt anyone it's never uncool. (well, except for the pulling up one pant leg thing, and running through your school naked).

An inconsistency in humanitarian philosophy

2005-07-08T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have discovered a germ in all our youthful ideals that holds the key to ourselves becoming like our decaying fathers. We house an underlying goal that is completely incompatible to our noble dreams, this fact we are incongruously unaware of.
Take me, for instance. I wish to become rich enough to donate regularly to charities, own a personal library that I may donate to the community after I die, become a prestigious psychiatrist so I can tend to these horrible social problems whilst on my free hours make enough to buy a great deal of books to read…etc. There is a personal gain to all my apparent giving. If I were born with nothing would I desire to give anything? Most likely not. It is only after I have (hypothetically) procured more than enough that I am willing to give.
Few of us are able to accept the nit and grit it takes to be a truly giving individual.
Even after realizing thing, I cannot get up the gumption to change my so called ‘noble ideals’. We think of a rich person giving to charity and going to impoverished areas with gifts and songs as extremely kind and noble creatures. But they can afford the time and gifts.
Most of us will, in the next ten years or more, be willing to ditch a few regulations and disregard some principles in order to achieve our ideal financial security (awesome ride, wardrobe, house…etc.)
The major portion of the individuals who are truly giving with upright moral codes will never see the light of a news camera and never be truly recognized for their efforts because they do not do it to gain fame and those who wish to claim the fame for their own often undermine them. (Remember that dreadful sinking feeling you got when reading ‘the little mermaid’ where the prince woke up to see a pretty land girl and mistakenly took her to be his rescuer?)
Certain religions say such good sacrificial behavior shall be rewarded after the mortal body perishes. In Christianity, I always wonder if the good Samaritan in Jesus’ parable will ever get to heaven because obviously he’s a heathen, even a good one, and has never heard the ‘good news’. Why would Jesus use a faulty parable to praise one when he says that the kingdom of heaven is only through him? I fear truly that there is no place our ‘eternal souls’ can go after death, that, like in Philip Pullman’s “His dark materials”, our ghosts shall dissipate into dust, doesn’t that make all our lives meaningless, whether we have been good or bad? There is no one, solid solution to the horrible question, is there? Maybe all those founders of the religions pondered this so long that they finally thought “Chuck it, we just need some fantastic dream for people to conform, so we’ll put down these regulations for our model utopia and add a supreme being/sphere so the individual who plays nice will gain some satisfaction in their afterlife.”
Ugh.
My dad, for instance, is the most upright man I have ever met. He is horribly modest, reluctant to spend money on anything other than the bare necessities, and never thinks twice about returning surplus government grants even though it takes years for the grant applications to get through. He is often tricked by his less scrupulous colleagues, taken advantage of by greedy relatives who feed off his filial piety to get ‘never-gonna-paya-back’ loans and generally will never pass mediocre because he is never willing to ‘shove when it comes to push’. What I find powerful about him is that he never, ever feels resentful about all these slights, I would probably have never heard about them if not for my mom, who has a lot of unresolved issues.
I believe that if everyone had his conciliatory, justice oriented, giving attitude, nobody would be more powerful than others and the world would be as Karl Marx had originally envisioned – total equality. (This reminds me of this amazing movie called ‘Dinotopia’ with their ideal world, lovely) Marx’s method was faulty because it relied on the government’s autocracy and attempts at brainwashing civilians (at least that is how it turned out), which won’t work forever unless it turns out like that dark planet in ‘a wrinkle in time’ where all actions are controlled by one big brain and nobody is ever truly happy. Change has to come from the heart, otherwise we will always wish for something better, something more, something we ‘deserve’. We must aggressively instill knowledge into people so everyone will be more mature and voluntarily be giving, moderate individuals.
Unfortunately, we would be fighting a losing battle because with each generation comes the same rebellion and want, and our lives are so short that when we realize that personal material pleasure does not create life long satisfaction and happiness, we are already too old and infirmed or unattractive to become effective role models to the young hot-bloods. Our ancestors sensed this and wished to leave us the legacy of ‘tradition’ so that we need not go through the learning pains, but this was ineffective because, not being able to understand the concept of these traditions, we tore them down. They are considered detrimental to progress and restricting our wild desire to express our selfish individuality and want.
This proves that our noble ideals do not “die” due to the barrage of society’s expectations, but that they fall away gradually to reveal our true desires and goals. Perhaps if we were taught better by more mature and adequate mentors and role models… but no, we’re fixed.

London bombing

2005-07-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

London bombing
I saw the United States flag at half-mast.
If it is truly the Muslim radicals that are initiating these attacks on ‘Christian countries’, it shows excessive stupidity on their part. Not all of the people they killed are Christians, many are atheists and even Muslims themselves. These radicals are racially prejudiced, they see people who are not a part of them in the color of hatred and do not consider them as people with feelings and ideas that might be of worth – or that their own ideals may not be so righteous. Who is initiating these hate attacks? Does Ali condone them? Is there any proof that this hatred is anything but the will and passion of men who wish to find an objective in life and instead of focusing on building are intent on destroying, taking an eye for an eye? This hatred is not only a product of religious abuse, but jealousy and culture conditioning that makes them feel helpless to seek justice against wrongs done against them except in revenge – their political and cultural environment does not encourage speaking out constructively to remedy their hurts, so they seek random targets in countries that do not have a seemingly central responsible target for their hatred. Hopefully with this self-destructive approach they will never gain a larger weapon (like nukes) to use.
My heart goes out to those who have suffered under this irrational violence.

Mignon's mazemind

席慕容 一棵開花的樹

第一次的約會

excerpt from wiki concerning female genital cutting/circumcision

a pedantic existence

Thoughts on the rules of killing ... a jihadi guidebook

Indoctrinated Palestinian 3 Year Old

Prisoner of Tehran

Wuthering Heights

Unhappy books

Where am I?

Women's leadership

Anti-white United Nations Advertisement

Edgar Allen Poe

On Madeliene L'Engle's works

the upsetting of one's stomach: one's own vision may suffice

fame

abandon

still experiencing nausea

inspired from nausea after finishing part of it

Nausea

a tale of aid

The German conscience – excerpts from the white rose leaflets

please, can someone understand me?

crowd mentality 101

meandering thoughts: a study of an unprincipled mind

ill met

公投

I am nothing without my history

芬蘭經驗讀後感之ㄧ

random thoughts whilst in church

to J

To restrain oneself from ill judgement

some are very workable

Ode to the contraband rabbit

Vitas- Opera 2

what we think we know: possible doubts

from climatecrisis.net

Thoughts on the Taiwan vs China problem

Medicins Sans Frontieres

Breaking rules: He's either going to be a winner or somebody'll try to kill him

written the day after the VT shooting

children's sense of time and a lesson learnt

April

extreme

a rose by another name would not smell as sweet

culture recheck

Courage

www.crcjustice.org

Judgemental

tremors and survival instincts

miscellaneous posted articles

Watching turtles can fly and the interpreter

Los Vendidos and sentiments on beauty

a million penguins and bad language

Infinite by Giacomo Leopardi

Fatigue

Childhood cruelty

total eclipse

to cage

What grownups say...

I want to know kindness...

The Solitary

sorry for sounding harsh

Israel, not the sheep we thought it was

primary feelings on 'Iron Wall'

Billion names of the devil (a translation)

Dreams surprise us

observations: Taiwan culture

But I would question the essence of my soul

conversation with a spider

are women the oppressors of women?

Early years

academics and confusion

The National Holiday paradox - a sad story and other unpinned thoughts

October 9, 2006 aspirations and miscellaneous

August 28, 2006 Perfect Happiness

Romance - for what purpose?

Math is a subconscious ability!

economics, bloody hell

席慕容一棵開花的樹