Anxiety, my dear, is not a sin
I shall return to Taiwan soon, it is an exciting yet worrisome thought. Suppose I go back and find out I have never changed? My personality and charisma is still deficient? I can imagine it would be like popping back into a vise, adhering to my original shape because of the environment and memories associated with it? I hope not!
I know it is a misery to go through the whole school knowing that nobody truly cares to listen about your woes except the counselor, who has a jam-packed schedule. Though from my past experience my counselor really didn’t have any stimulating suggestions.
When I was in my junior high I was unpopular. I was so thrilled to be in cramschool because there at least I had half a dozen close friends who seemed to genuinely care about what I think, but in school I had nobody. The fact is cramschool was like a starting over place for me, a place where everyone meets others anew and they have no old alliances, prejudices…etc. My school started bad because 1. I entered a class that had already been together for a year, so they already had alliances and expectations for what would be ‘normal behavior’ in their class. 2. the teacher compared me to the other classmates openly and called them a bunch of stupid gits, thus making me public enemy number one. 3. I could not contribute to the class or live up to the role of leadership they pushed into my hands the first week I was there. 4. I was good at English and was the teacher’s pet, and everyone hated the English teacher. 5. I didn’t say the right words in a conversation. 6. I sat back and ‘accepted’ their initial kindness and curiosity like a queen instead of going around ‘giving’ praise and showing that I liked them (hey, I didn’t care a mite about them, that was a major no-no. If you want to be queen, you gotta work for it, lazy queens get the guillotine. ex: Marie Antoinette.) 7. I read and wrote in my journal, all the time, I had no time for the ‘stupid louts’.
My teacher, who studied psychology, told me that I had two choices when I imparted my isolated situation to him. He told me that I could either focus on the people and put down my books, or focus on my fantasy world and disregard the people.
I considered – see, I thought my classmates a bunch of pricks with no ambition, little imagination, and crude habits – so I chose my fantasy world. Really, I have no regrets, since that is in the past now.
What worries me is that I wasn’t popular in youth group either. I believe it was my lack of enthusiasm and chat. Ah well, we can’t all be loved.
I know it is a misery to go through the whole school knowing that nobody truly cares to listen about your woes except the counselor, who has a jam-packed schedule. Though from my past experience my counselor really didn’t have any stimulating suggestions.
When I was in my junior high I was unpopular. I was so thrilled to be in cramschool because there at least I had half a dozen close friends who seemed to genuinely care about what I think, but in school I had nobody. The fact is cramschool was like a starting over place for me, a place where everyone meets others anew and they have no old alliances, prejudices…etc. My school started bad because 1. I entered a class that had already been together for a year, so they already had alliances and expectations for what would be ‘normal behavior’ in their class. 2. the teacher compared me to the other classmates openly and called them a bunch of stupid gits, thus making me public enemy number one. 3. I could not contribute to the class or live up to the role of leadership they pushed into my hands the first week I was there. 4. I was good at English and was the teacher’s pet, and everyone hated the English teacher. 5. I didn’t say the right words in a conversation. 6. I sat back and ‘accepted’ their initial kindness and curiosity like a queen instead of going around ‘giving’ praise and showing that I liked them (hey, I didn’t care a mite about them, that was a major no-no. If you want to be queen, you gotta work for it, lazy queens get the guillotine. ex: Marie Antoinette.) 7. I read and wrote in my journal, all the time, I had no time for the ‘stupid louts’.
My teacher, who studied psychology, told me that I had two choices when I imparted my isolated situation to him. He told me that I could either focus on the people and put down my books, or focus on my fantasy world and disregard the people.
I considered – see, I thought my classmates a bunch of pricks with no ambition, little imagination, and crude habits – so I chose my fantasy world. Really, I have no regrets, since that is in the past now.
What worries me is that I wasn’t popular in youth group either. I believe it was my lack of enthusiasm and chat. Ah well, we can’t all be loved.
posted by Mignon Chang at 1:02 PM
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