The unruly mind
I hate all my weaknesses. It's a weakness to adore someone. And maybe it's not true love. Took me such a long time to realize my weakness is in my passion yet feel completely helpless about it. One simply cannot change the way one is inclined, especially when that inclination includes a vast quantity of self-forgiveness. How can I trust myself? Yet who can I trust but myself? Why do I ignor those who truly care for me? Why am I such a contrary creature?
Yesterday I asked him "so you're leaving for Taipei tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Right." I nodded, feeling something like regret, and left. Later I came back and wished him a safe journey. "Thank you." he said, looking at me with an expression that meant something - but I can't read minds.
I cannot express myself. I can 'act', but so exaggeratedly that those around me know I'm fooling around. He seemed somewhat harrassed yesterday - he has such a burden, and little compensation. Yesterday he was talking to this old lady (he really is the kindest person to old ladies, treating each and every one of them like his own mother) and said that even here, in Taiwan, he has to translate the weekly devotional. He said his only joy is playing soccer, and that he's a broken vessel. The old lady made some inane comments on how he's such a good tool for God.
I hate this. This constant feeling of fear, anxiety, and pain. Simply the age incongruity would defeat us. Not to mention that I'm constantly aware of my imperfections in comparison to what one would require to be his helpful mate - his wife. He would never dare propose it to me if it could ever enter his head because he's too decent.
And I would be giving up so much. My mother warned me - she would absolutely dissapprove... I wouldn't care if I loved him enough. But do I truly love him? Surely, he's humorous and has the cutest smile, though my friend calls him plain.
He had to nearly leave for a job because he couldn't support his mother and teenage brother on church funds alone.
He said he wouldn't eat dinner yesterday - he just didn't feel like it. He said he could go for three days without a meal. I was shocked. The old woman asked him why and he said "I lost my love (in chinese)." then he claimed he was joking. But he really did seem so melancholy. I said I told my classmates that I'd lost my love too when they asked why I took such a long time cleaning up, he looked at me and made a sound like "really?", I laughed heartlessly and said "No, I was just kidding."
On ministering a few days ago a few drunken men told me I was pretty, asked me for my number, and tried to hold on to my arm. I smiled tightly and said thank you, all the while trying to hide myself behind him. He seemed surprised at their rudeness and told a few of us girls later "Don't talk to them when they try to talk to you, some of them are a little crazy." when he said this he didn't look at me once, and I felt accused of something I did... Nothing happened like that on later nights, perhaps I was only so pretty that night, or the environment especially ungodly. I hope he would not think badly of me - and so far all I've acted is the insensate, insensible and fidgety girl. Surely he would desire a sensible one. I'm not particularly humorous either, though I appreciate amusing people.
and yesterday night I fasted. I prayed for him - and us. Surely I have too little virtues to let him feel any interest in me, yet I hope.
He calls himself 'uncle' in front of another girl who is older than me, yet he doesn't call himself 'uncle' in talking to me. I wouldn't desire it, for it would seem so odd considering how I feel about him. He seems to appreciate my appreciation of his wit, for he would turn around and look at me after cracking a joke. I was shocked at first of learning his age... yet so far he is the only man I've met who's like my father, yet so much more pleasant and amusing. I'd like to marry a man who's like my father. And he's not too much older for he's only as old as the last man who proposed to me. and it'd be quite impossible for one his age to father me on any account, for he'd only be 11.
His friend seems to take a much more obvious interest in me, for the man talks to me nonstop even when we have nothing to talk about. I happen to know that his friend already has a girlfriend, so his behavior is unreasonable. Of course he asks the most innocuous questions that wouldn't arouse an ounce of suspicion as to his intents, but on comparison he doesn't talk to the other girls/women around us when we're in a group and focuses so intensely on me, so aware of where I am even when I'm trying to hide. He must have noticed it, for he hardly joins us when his friend talks to me.
Oh God, what am I doing?
Yesterday I asked him "so you're leaving for Taipei tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Right." I nodded, feeling something like regret, and left. Later I came back and wished him a safe journey. "Thank you." he said, looking at me with an expression that meant something - but I can't read minds.
I cannot express myself. I can 'act', but so exaggeratedly that those around me know I'm fooling around. He seemed somewhat harrassed yesterday - he has such a burden, and little compensation. Yesterday he was talking to this old lady (he really is the kindest person to old ladies, treating each and every one of them like his own mother) and said that even here, in Taiwan, he has to translate the weekly devotional. He said his only joy is playing soccer, and that he's a broken vessel. The old lady made some inane comments on how he's such a good tool for God.
I hate this. This constant feeling of fear, anxiety, and pain. Simply the age incongruity would defeat us. Not to mention that I'm constantly aware of my imperfections in comparison to what one would require to be his helpful mate - his wife. He would never dare propose it to me if it could ever enter his head because he's too decent.
And I would be giving up so much. My mother warned me - she would absolutely dissapprove... I wouldn't care if I loved him enough. But do I truly love him? Surely, he's humorous and has the cutest smile, though my friend calls him plain.
He had to nearly leave for a job because he couldn't support his mother and teenage brother on church funds alone.
He said he wouldn't eat dinner yesterday - he just didn't feel like it. He said he could go for three days without a meal. I was shocked. The old woman asked him why and he said "I lost my love (in chinese)." then he claimed he was joking. But he really did seem so melancholy. I said I told my classmates that I'd lost my love too when they asked why I took such a long time cleaning up, he looked at me and made a sound like "really?", I laughed heartlessly and said "No, I was just kidding."
On ministering a few days ago a few drunken men told me I was pretty, asked me for my number, and tried to hold on to my arm. I smiled tightly and said thank you, all the while trying to hide myself behind him. He seemed surprised at their rudeness and told a few of us girls later "Don't talk to them when they try to talk to you, some of them are a little crazy." when he said this he didn't look at me once, and I felt accused of something I did... Nothing happened like that on later nights, perhaps I was only so pretty that night, or the environment especially ungodly. I hope he would not think badly of me - and so far all I've acted is the insensate, insensible and fidgety girl. Surely he would desire a sensible one. I'm not particularly humorous either, though I appreciate amusing people.
and yesterday night I fasted. I prayed for him - and us. Surely I have too little virtues to let him feel any interest in me, yet I hope.
He calls himself 'uncle' in front of another girl who is older than me, yet he doesn't call himself 'uncle' in talking to me. I wouldn't desire it, for it would seem so odd considering how I feel about him. He seems to appreciate my appreciation of his wit, for he would turn around and look at me after cracking a joke. I was shocked at first of learning his age... yet so far he is the only man I've met who's like my father, yet so much more pleasant and amusing. I'd like to marry a man who's like my father. And he's not too much older for he's only as old as the last man who proposed to me. and it'd be quite impossible for one his age to father me on any account, for he'd only be 11.
His friend seems to take a much more obvious interest in me, for the man talks to me nonstop even when we have nothing to talk about. I happen to know that his friend already has a girlfriend, so his behavior is unreasonable. Of course he asks the most innocuous questions that wouldn't arouse an ounce of suspicion as to his intents, but on comparison he doesn't talk to the other girls/women around us when we're in a group and focuses so intensely on me, so aware of where I am even when I'm trying to hide. He must have noticed it, for he hardly joins us when his friend talks to me.
Oh God, what am I doing?
posted by Mignon Chang at 10:56 PM
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