concerning the finals
Friday, January 13, 2006
Am going to veer off from my normal line and post something utterly mundane. Geography, however informational, always finds me reading the same sentence over and over again without conscious comprehension. The finals are next week and I have to study the work we did for the past two months because I don't do homework during the in between exams time. Pathetic. Every new exam has me swearing that I'll do better next time, but I should start taking responsibility for my actions of today, now, this moment, and that great hunk of workload from my procrastinating past. I also discovered to my dismay that I would have gotten 100% if I had taken two hours out of my moping around, cooking, washing dishes/clothes, reconnoitoring my bookshelf/closet, reading vile novels, dreaming of the impossible...etc time to study chapter 4-1 in math, instead of the 15% I got (deservedly). All I can curse is myself; not my mother who makes me spend time watching math videos taught by a professor who makes me snore, not my father who doesn't bother defending me from such meaningless encagement by mother in front of said video teaching, not my teachers in unimportant subjects who stress the importance of their own subjects and consequently issue senseless but time-consuming reports - but myself.
Though when I'm feeling extremely romantic I start believing that I'm cursed by an evil/unknown classmate who doesn't want me to study at all - because that person doesn't know that I'm not really a threat.
And all that's going through my mind is not math, but self-repression. I'm much too careless to be righteously morale. And everyday I'm waiting for the sky to drop down on me because I'm such a selfish bastard. I'm perfectly frightened by the notion of death, and nothingness, and that's the only thing that's keeping me properly tiered to my faith. I love so many things and yet I feel that my love is nothing but passion - which is unreasonable, which is all in all untrue, and thus I doubt my own feelings and my God. There are too many things I do imperfectly, and feelings I have that are unrighteous. I'm ambitious - though talentless as a leader, I want to be a leader. I'm amorous - yet I've never had a decent, devoted relationship. All my relationships have been imbalanced by my unwillingness to commit and immense immaturity on both sides.
Can I really be all the things that I believe are good? Or can these things only be said but not done? I pray to God my depression to keep, for depression will only lower my status, and thus begin a vicious cycle of dejection in an already unhealthy life. I know evil, and it troubles me to distraction. I know good, yet there are many things that I'm inclined to do that are not at all good. A lack of courage has kept back this stream of destruction. Once I believe if we had magic the world would be marvelous, but I realized that with my sort of inability to control myself, magic would cause more harm then good, and leave behind a stream of utter regret. So it's wonderful that there's no such thing as magic in the world. Fairy tale popped.
I don't anticipate physics when I get to be a junior. I'd be like building a castle on air - my mind simply cannot connect the reasons of formulas to their later usage ...etc. I'd have to like it. And if I'm determined enought to like it with the love that I have for all things but meaningless physical labor, I shall be able to overcome it.
Geography awaits me. And God.
Am going to veer off from my normal line and post something utterly mundane. Geography, however informational, always finds me reading the same sentence over and over again without conscious comprehension. The finals are next week and I have to study the work we did for the past two months because I don't do homework during the in between exams time. Pathetic. Every new exam has me swearing that I'll do better next time, but I should start taking responsibility for my actions of today, now, this moment, and that great hunk of workload from my procrastinating past. I also discovered to my dismay that I would have gotten 100% if I had taken two hours out of my moping around, cooking, washing dishes/clothes, reconnoitoring my bookshelf/closet, reading vile novels, dreaming of the impossible...etc time to study chapter 4-1 in math, instead of the 15% I got (deservedly). All I can curse is myself; not my mother who makes me spend time watching math videos taught by a professor who makes me snore, not my father who doesn't bother defending me from such meaningless encagement by mother in front of said video teaching, not my teachers in unimportant subjects who stress the importance of their own subjects and consequently issue senseless but time-consuming reports - but myself.
Though when I'm feeling extremely romantic I start believing that I'm cursed by an evil/unknown classmate who doesn't want me to study at all - because that person doesn't know that I'm not really a threat.
And all that's going through my mind is not math, but self-repression. I'm much too careless to be righteously morale. And everyday I'm waiting for the sky to drop down on me because I'm such a selfish bastard. I'm perfectly frightened by the notion of death, and nothingness, and that's the only thing that's keeping me properly tiered to my faith. I love so many things and yet I feel that my love is nothing but passion - which is unreasonable, which is all in all untrue, and thus I doubt my own feelings and my God. There are too many things I do imperfectly, and feelings I have that are unrighteous. I'm ambitious - though talentless as a leader, I want to be a leader. I'm amorous - yet I've never had a decent, devoted relationship. All my relationships have been imbalanced by my unwillingness to commit and immense immaturity on both sides.
Can I really be all the things that I believe are good? Or can these things only be said but not done? I pray to God my depression to keep, for depression will only lower my status, and thus begin a vicious cycle of dejection in an already unhealthy life. I know evil, and it troubles me to distraction. I know good, yet there are many things that I'm inclined to do that are not at all good. A lack of courage has kept back this stream of destruction. Once I believe if we had magic the world would be marvelous, but I realized that with my sort of inability to control myself, magic would cause more harm then good, and leave behind a stream of utter regret. So it's wonderful that there's no such thing as magic in the world. Fairy tale popped.
I don't anticipate physics when I get to be a junior. I'd be like building a castle on air - my mind simply cannot connect the reasons of formulas to their later usage ...etc. I'd have to like it. And if I'm determined enought to like it with the love that I have for all things but meaningless physical labor, I shall be able to overcome it.
Geography awaits me. And God.
posted by Mignon Chang at 10:58 PM
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