The Solitary

The Solitary

by: Sara Teasdale

My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,

I have less need now than when I was young

To share myself with every comer,

Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.

It is one to me that they come or go

If I have myself and the drive of my will,

And strength to climb on a summer night

And watch the stars swarm over the hill.

Let them think I love them more than I do,

Let them think I care, though I go alone,

If it lifts their pride, what is it to me,

Who am self complete as a flower or stone?

My love,

I am sorry that it has been quite a while since I have written to you. You, this inner vent for my passion and obsessions. In everything a whole entity subject to the most degrading circumstances - ignored when convenient, loved when needed. And all with the most astonishing patience.

I shall not, on this day, and hopefully ever in the future, phrase words of love that one would normally say to a deep darkness. I hope that I can rid myself of this habit - of allowing myself to dream in ways that are beyond my control, of promising honey when all it is simply a wrongfully wrought ambition to be - one and only, when in fact a great mist crowds me, and the shades of grey forever dance where I believed evil is, and what is pure never comes without a doubtful lining of some other mysterious colour. I shall not strive to describe the tresses of your hair, or note how delightful it would be... but now on to write with steadiness what has passed my mind, and hope that in this exchange you shall be satisfied, for it does my constitution great evil to wrought passion on naught, and breed a sentimentality that cannot endure the burdens that I have resolved to take upon my shoulders.

Today, I would like to ask, what is are duty towards mankind? I talked to my classmate, though I believe I was mostly talking to air, for most times the subjects of my thoughts seem to incite nothing but unease and aloofness. But as I was saying... Is it truly possible to breed a pacifist nation? Not of genetic means, but by the environment. Besides the people who are born with tendency towards violence, how much can our education really do? I was thinking, the other day, that perhaps I should try to improve myself - not only academically, but in manners and general behavior. I want to be, though the term is often derided, a 'good girl'. Not in being continuously subservient and observing the codes for a chinese female as written in the old books, but to be have good citizenship. To obey the law, the understand the policies of governments and react with fairness - know when to support the government, know when to give constructive criticism. I want to know what to do to make our welfare system better. I want to know how to stop being selfish and petty but understand the big picture in things. I want to know how to work with people. I believe that a pamphlet of some sort is needed for me to know what to do. A pamphlet that is convincing, truthful, and undoctrinely. Recently I read an article that talked about environmental preservation and energy saving. The article mentioned that the government should publish a pamphlet teaching people exactly how to help save energy and preserve the environment. So far as I know, there is no such pamphlet. If there is, it surely is not very effective, for I have heard nothing of it.

The problem that I noted to my classmate was this - what does it mean to equalize the world? Can we really be equalized? Can our interests be tempered to the point that we are each satisfied with who we are and our responsibilities? People are born with different temperaments. Some desire to do little but live life through, some are highly proactive, always desiring to do more than the others. Surely we cannot expect all to all to adhere to the same duties. If those that wish to do a great deal are faced with little enough to do, then they would likely choose the opposite direction to pursue, either in extremist positions with well-meaning, or simply to pursue a sense of individualism. In high welfare States there is also a high suicide rate. Isn't equality and a basically guaranteed happy life enough? For some it is, for some it isn't. How many people are born desiring a passive existence?

And yet, if the idea that war is a nature among men as the wildfires are, then what hope have we of extinguishing the small flames to fan a greater conflagration?

I have a physics test tomorrow. I tell you. Lately I have been attempting to assimilate all my time into useful pursuit. I know my brain cells shall begin to die once I pass my peak, so I must begin to put them into good use before such a horror should wreak too great a havoc. It is not easy, for too many distractions lie in easy reach. This little excursion into the computer, for example, is one such distraction. And food, which I desire simply for the fact of desiring out of my passive physical state in a desk all day, though I do not lack calories. Do you know? I've counted, and it seems I spend about 11 hours each day sitting. Can you imagine! So much of my life seated, when in drawings of humans we most always have our species standing. I find a stale sort of sense of accomplishment from restraining myself and getting my tasks done. And an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and regret if I digress, which is too often. Really, must work harder, for habits will only get harder to kill as I get older. And I really must not view my companions as the standards for excellence, for in some places where I could do far better I am hindered by the knowledge that none of my surrounding peers have come so far and so I do not strive as hard.

And as I promised, so I shall be