Romance - for what purpose?

Sometimes I feel that - I must either be incapable of love, or that all romances are false, and I've finally seen through the bliddy bubble.
You know, there's just this personality streak in me that drives me to defy and question all things considered natural in this world, and what would be called more natural than love? Perhaps my statement is too hasty, perhaps it is because, so far, I have never felt true love, or my idea of true love. Can true love be fickle, proud, and faulted? Can I love without there being some advantageous reason for me to do so?It seems that I have longed for, and accepted, romance simply because the idea was attractive to me : To experience palpitations of the heart, the longing, the jealousy , the owning and belonging. Ah!But do I really care for tie individual to whom my affections are seemingly bestowed? So far I have as yet to know what it is to love without vanity.
Even noble love seems false to me. For now that men and women are more equal it is difficult to say that anyone is so perfect as to deserve all the respect/adoration that a mate may shower upon him. I see in my school young lovers, people who have barely known each other for a year before they are holding hands. How long can such affection last? And to what end? I do not long for the pain and jadedness that would accompany the end. Rather would the first I hand my heart to in innocence be enduring.
On another subject, I do not know whether it makdes people or if they do not notice it, but often I find myself irrepressibly drawn to staring at people : at their visages, inflections in their voices, the way they hold themselves and fit themselves into life. I know it is rude, yet it seems the only way I can connect to people. To understand them deeply, the reason to why they are what they are. Only with understanding do I find true congenality in myself. I fancy myself open-minded, yet too many times I meet individuals whose intents and purposes I cannot understand at all. Why are they willing to be who they are? Sometimes, I catch myself, and wonder if I'm entirely sure of my own intentions? Always, I come away hollow. I never find what I seek, however intensely I try.
I find myself making up excuses for my aloofness. I do not wish to know their names, to converse animatedly with them. Is it a fault not to make friends everywhere you go? It if is, I truly have not the strength the remedy it. Why must I sink myself deeper into iniquity? If I make an effort to associate, it would not be entirely sincere, thus it would be a lie. I feel already quite empty, will making empty gestures fulfill me? It is easy to say: Those who are content are happy. It is not easy to be always content. Sometimes I think I was born either to contemplate the world or to help. I cannot stand the thought that I would be entirely unuseful to the world.

Math is a subconscious ability!

Last night I went to bed feeling a little less accomplished than the day before because I hadn't done as much math and Physics as I had meant to do. (On a side note, I find Physics far more fun than I had initially believed it to be. May this attitude continue all the way to electronics, which is coming up soon in the physics course!)
Perhaps it is because of things undone, perhaps it was because I mistook a 80% score on math for 43%, which would mean I would be flunking math (AGAIN!). I fell asleep and dreamt I was close up to a test paper, calculating physics. I had done about three problems when suddenly a math sheet popped up and I was calculating math. There were no edges to the sheet or my dream. No table underneath or anything, at least, not that could notice. It was like a screen fixed to my eyeballs. I was doing math. I had not calculating paper nor pencil yet I was going through the algorithms in my mind and I tell you it was a lot faster than doing it by pen. What I want to state is that I am absolutely certain I was jumping through the numbers and going through every equation. It wasn't simply a dream of me doing math. It was me doing math! I don't know how to make you all understand the reality of the calculating.
A lot of studies are conducted on dreaming and one thing is absolutely certain - almost all individuals who dream cannot read words in dreams. You dream of opening a book and the first sentence you see is gibberish. You dream of opening a comic and all the dialogue spaces are simply that : spaces. I myself often try to read the amazing books I pick up in my dreams only to discover in disappointment that I either wake up from trying to recognize the symbols or see nothing in them. But now appearantly math is a different matter. I don't know about any studies concerning the use of math, art, or chemistry in dreams, but I'm sure there are some out there. With complete ignorance of any such studies I am delighted now to realize that I can do math in dreams!
I can do math, but it made me realize I really am not that fab at it. I distinctly recall myself miscalculating problem number five out of the ten problems I was doing and I also distinctly recall myself inhibiting the idea of redoing the problem because I simply didn't want to! This is bad news. Will have to dis-learn this habit.

economics, bloody hell

I read somewhere (was it "Collapse" or "Freakonomics"?) that gross cost for everyday living has gone up without salaries of individuals going up accordingly. That is why families are opting for double income and less(or no) children in order to assure that they get a decent living. (besides, having children does not guarantee security in one's old age as it once did, even in Asian countries).
I applaud the trend of having less children though it is worrisome that the places where less children are really necessary are still churning out vast amounts of tragedy(I say tragedy because the children have minimum chances of surviving til adulthood). Everybody knows that and whenever we see those sad starving faces we become extremely agitated and decide to support the handout system, which could solve the problem for a day but not for times to come. It is already proven that the handout method will not work, however charitable the intentions. The child who is fed today still may die if a flux in the system let access to food be cut off for a week or if he stepped on a landmine.
What I find charming are those organizations that go to these countries to teach them to farm, or sanitation... backing from the local government is needed however to maintain this. And it's difficult to get any stability in a country broken by civil war and corruption. I asked a professor once about the South America problem - why are most of the people so poor that they desire to go to the States or join gangs and sell guns and flesh? The professor said that he had talked to economists in one of the countries there and they all knew how to make their markets expand and their GPI increase but knowing the methods and the availability for such methods to work were two things. What that country needed was a strong, clean political personality.
I was frightened this weekend by the loss of one of my molding contacts (the type that you put on at night and it shapes your eyeballs so that you wake up capable of seeing clearly in the morning). It's not cheap, and losing it meant I'd go about nearly blind. Which would seriously effect all areas of my performance: my academic performance would suffer because I could not see the black board clearly, my scholastic equipement clearly. But I would be less focused on my studies because I can't see the world and would care less about it, preferring to sleep and live in novels. I would also lose my person abilities because I can't see people I know and thus would neglect to greet them.
There is a connection I want to point out. If my parents were financially able to purchase such contacts for me at any available time I wouldn't have to face to potential of losing a few grades. I know this sounds petty because after all there are people who are in worst straits than I but I am merely making this point.
There is also something else I want to make an instance of in accordance with economy, physical problems implementing psychological ones and thus performance - all in a vicious cycle that would worsen the situation whether the placing of economic fraility goes first or last. My mother has a tumor in her head; she has headaches, blackouts, insomnia and decreased amount of energy. This effects her capability of sound judgement. She becomes hasty, short-tempered, excessive and authoritarian. She says she cannot work because 1. she's too old to be accepted easily into the job market 2. her physical condition would worsen if she stressed 3. she has to take care of us children.
The way I see it is, even though I know she tries, it isn't really useful for her to take care of us as in staying home a lot. I am capable of going to classes by bus and dad is capable of taking me places also. I no longer need her tutelage in studying. In my brother's case he should learn to take the bus since he's in junior high already and he really does not benefit from her nagging - in fact, it creates the opposite effect intended. The less she nags the more effective she would be because her words would have more value, but she doesn't see that.
It matters to our family whether she works or not, though y father's income is sufficient if we lived economically, the case is not so.
My father broached the subject with my mother today. He said that if she would stop using the credit card we would be much better off . My mother retalitated that my father doesn't give her cash so she has to use the credit card and she needs it to buy gas. Well, said my father, I can give you a hundred NT a day (that equals about three dollars) and it should suffice for a any necessities that crop up and should also be enough for gas. My mother said it isn't.
Dad:If you stop buying softdrinks and snacks and pleasure like that it would be.
Mom: I want to be thin(the pronounciation in chinese for pleasure and desire to be thin are the same, though I'm quite certain my mom got the gist).
Me: The softdrinks are what's boosting your weight, mom, stop buying them. Their sugar content is too high. (she ignors me)
Dad: I can give you a hundred a day and more for gas.
Mom: I'm tired, I haven't slept well last night. (she goes up to bed 11 am in the morning and the entire negotiation goes up in smoke).
It would seem incredulous to any sane person that such my mother would contradict herself in this way. The credit card is a horrible reassurance that we would be eating next month's paycheck this month, and the softdrinks and snacks are not a necessity. My mom spends more than a hundred NT each day buying foodstuffs and more than that buying miscellaneous objects of doubtable practical use. She used to keep a book for the money she spends and that made her more cautious but now she doesn't because it takes effort. And she lacks the effort - she's tired and in pain all the time.
So this is the problem : her phyical problems are effecting her psyche and thus her ability of sound judgment. My lost of contacts may effect my personal performance in all facets of life. But not to worry, I pilfered my brother's contacts since he's about as blind as I am and he has physical glasses while I do not. So he can compensate with glasses and I can compensate with his contacts. My mother, however, cannot get surgery because the risks are too high.