total eclipse

Total Eclipse
Watched Total Eclipse.
In the movie, Verlaine's wife was very, very beautiful and young. The film dealt with the image of her body in a very aestheic manner. Though the movie is mostly fiction and I have no idea if this is true or not, the confession that Verlaine loved only her body and not her soul was uncomfortable, though it served as something as a buffer for the confession he made when Rimbaud asked him to choose between his(Rimbaud's) soul and his body. Verlaine chose Rimbaud's body. The deterioration of their relationship as depicted in the movie is the fault of both sides. Whilst Verlaine started to abuse his wife and child after beginning beginning his affair with Rimbaud, he did it as the man of the marriage and as a coward. He came to Rimbaud already attached - with responsibilities and what he claimed as 'love' - physical attraction for his young wife. He was discontent with how he had to depend on his wife's family for financial support when he very well knew that he would be living a far more impoverished life without that support. He took part of this out on his wife. But mostly as an excuse to hide his possessiveness and insecurity.
Rimbaud saw weaknesses in Verlaine that he disliked - excessive drinking, weakness and clinginess. In the movie, Rimbaud openly dispised Verlaine's display of brutality towards his wife. When Verlaine said that if brutality is what is meant to be strong, then he would cared not to be strong. Rimbaud retorted that Verlaine was brutal even in his weaknesses. Rimbaud was evidently the man of the relationship, though Verlaine provided the financial aspects of their living, Rimbaud was still the focus. Verlaine did not retort when Rimbaud made jabs at his personality, nor did he rebuke Rimbaud or in any way attempt to change Rimbaud's character or outlook on life. I have a feeling that Rimbaud wanted someone that was a least a little stronger and able to be his equal.
This reminds me of my relationship with a friend during junior high. I saw her as my best friend and we were together constantly. She was (in my eyes) wild and independent natured, with a strong resolution that I longed for. I was very devoted to her and she always strove to shock me with what she would say. We became so that we could nearly anticipate what the other would say. This was when the relationship started to deteriorate. When she could no longer make me feel shock. I was always yielding and compliant to whatever she did and perhaps what she really needed was a better influence. When she grew tired of me and my reliance on her she started to insult me even more. At first I was pained by this. Later I detached myself from her, which the desired effect of her onslaught. After this she got into a nursing vocational school which she did not like and then dropped out. She would have multiple boyfriends at once. I also once saw her with another girl who seemed to be an attachement as I was as well. The girl would laugh at her jokes and seem to be her shadow. I reasoned that perhaps that was the way she was - strong and confident enough to attract these shadows. I found myself with values that were vastly different from hers, and after being detached discovered that I had not really quite agreed with everything she said. Perhaps the relationship had gone stale because I was starting to see the weaknesses in her impulsive behavior and the insecurity it implied as well. I was also not quite able to take an interest or truly support her dreams, because as a leach it was my interests that had to be satified. In the movie the relationship between Verlaine and Rimbaud was also like that in this aspect - With Verlaine unable to take an active interest in Rimbaud's dreams or in truly understanding what Rimbaud needed unless it benefitted him in his writing and in his experiencing the passion that (in Verlaine's eyes) was what Rimbaud was composed of.
Their difference in age and mentality also led them to conduct different lives after their parting. Verlaine seemed to continue mostly as he was with no vast change of character nor lessening in his love for Rimbaud. Rimbaud on the other hand seemed to 'grow up' suddenly and stopped writing, putting his hand to more profitable pursuits like starting a trading post in Africa. Verlaine lived in the past whilst Rimbaud pursued his dream of experiencing the world.
My brother hated the movie. He said it was meaningless and boring. I found it very insightful in several aspects.
Can someone tell me how to teach my brother to love to read? I would so much like my brother to enjoy the books that I do. He has hope, I believe, for when he was in fifth or sixth grade he read a great deal for the summer, but that was when I was not with him. But now he likes internet gaming. His grades are horrible. I'm worried that he'll regret it later on when he is unable to find satisfaction in school.
words of interest: Absinthe, New Caledonia

to cage

My soul has wrought itself a cage
and in it prowls
a spirit restless
sad, fearful, and brave
When winter ends
and spring returns
the winds that like a tempest rage
do recoil, and in that halcyon bay
a sweeter calm and better age
do take the place of that mistake
which some call nature
but that of itself
can never hope to assuage
Often I wonder at the point
of such a blunder
without it would my life be better?
would meaning clearer?
or only more bitter?
these senses seem a waste of time
to cage within a lonely mind
and break oneself to pieces
only to renew
a better person, a wholer psyche

What grownups say...

What grownups say...
I pointed to a math problem and ask my math teacher: Why?
He said,"I know you want to know why instead of memorizing the algorithms and methods but if you do that with every problem you'll run out of time. Yuo see here in Highschool we have the great college entrance exams to worry about and as long as you do well on the exams it doesn't matter whther you completely understand the mechanics behind every question or not. You can try to seek theansweres later (after highschool) if you're still interested."
I know he wasn't just being mean and prudish. He is foremost an excellent teacher with his students' best interest in mind. It's just that the best interest for his students is to get into a good college, and he won't go against the grain so students achieve less. It's also possibly because I'm only average in math, and he thinks I'll be wasting my time focusing on the mechanics behind one problem instead of learning how to solve problems. It's just disturbing that anything like this should come out of an educator's mouth. Why should the system impede students from learning well?
I told my dad I wanted to attend environmental camp. He told me "You don't have to participate in this. There would be plenty of activities and classes for you to attend when you get into college. Why do you think most college students work?" "For tuition" " For fun! For fancy cars, stereos, computers, clothes... I work in a University, I should know. Taiwan parents aren't like american parents, most of them provide for their kids all the way to Graduate school." (Taiwan Universities are a lot more affordable than American ones) "I don't want to participate in activities in college just for fun. I want to work hard. Those who work hard get better grades." "You don't seem to get the picture, do you? Once you get into college, you'll want to have fun. Everyone works so hard in Highschool to get there and now what everyone wants to to relax. There are no exams in Universities." "There are the midterm and finals." "Most students just study a week before the exams. They do reports by copying it from each other, from internet sources. Everyone does it. If you copy your work you get a 90, if you work hard at your work you get a 90. People who work hard are laughed at, called bookworms and nerds." "That's the atmosphere at your college, it's not going to be that way at mine or every other college." "Every college is the same! You just don't get it, do you?" "I'm different, I don't work hard in Highschool just for the exams and it's not going to be that way for college either. I don't like to play. You think the activities I attend in Highschool are all for fun??? I don't do it for fun. It's for the credits, the experience, whatever meagre learning I can get out of it. I don't play with people, it's not in my nature to mingle mindlessly. I want to learn..." "It'll be different in college, you'll see. You aren't listening, you're not going to listen, you're not going to accept anything I say. I can see that. Fine, I 'm not saying anything more." But I wanted him to. I wanted to convince him.
Why does it make no difference? Why would it be so different in college? Why am I not able to conquer my environment, the atmosphere? Why am I not ever expected to go against the grain? Aren't there any colleges where students do work hard? I need to find good friends.

I want to know kindness...

recommended reads:
Otto and the bird charmers and Otto and the time of the warrior by Charlotte Haptie
The City of Ember and the people of sparks and The Prophet of Yonwood by Jeanne Duprau
works by Madeliene L'Engle
Welcome to the Ark by Stephanie S. Tolan (a bit unrealistic at the end, but basically powerful)
For deeper reading:
His dark materials by Philip Pullman
Lately, seeing as there's people everywhere and one starts to stop valuing life, I have begun to find sleeping endlessly quite attractive. Then I watched 'I am David' and read 'Otto and the bird charmers' and feel again the geniality I had towards my fellow mankind.This made me start to think - perhaps if I had never read great books like the ones I've cited about (and I'm sure there are many more only I've forgotten their titles) I would probably be colder, crueler, harsher, and less happy an individual than I am now. For I've observed my mother and some of my classmates and I find them highly unforgiving for perceived wrongs - a waiter who doesn't smile, for instance, and my mother immediately claims his service is bad and she won't come to this shop again. It's shocking to me that we can so easily point fingers and people, and then I wonder why I feel shock at this display - for certainly I did not learn this form of benevolence from my mother. And I realize that a great deal of it is from reading good books, albeit fiction. So if any of you have kids or are planning on having kids, it's essential that they read good books like the ones that I cited in the above. For the future of of world, let us know kindness.
Disclaimer: I'm not being tacky for being tacky. This cynicism culture is going way out of hand to make me feel guilty about sounding tacky.

The Solitary

The Solitary

by: Sara Teasdale

My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,

I have less need now than when I was young

To share myself with every comer,

Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.

It is one to me that they come or go

If I have myself and the drive of my will,

And strength to climb on a summer night

And watch the stars swarm over the hill.

Let them think I love them more than I do,

Let them think I care, though I go alone,

If it lifts their pride, what is it to me,

Who am self complete as a flower or stone?

My love,

I am sorry that it has been quite a while since I have written to you. You, this inner vent for my passion and obsessions. In everything a whole entity subject to the most degrading circumstances - ignored when convenient, loved when needed. And all with the most astonishing patience.

I shall not, on this day, and hopefully ever in the future, phrase words of love that one would normally say to a deep darkness. I hope that I can rid myself of this habit - of allowing myself to dream in ways that are beyond my control, of promising honey when all it is simply a wrongfully wrought ambition to be - one and only, when in fact a great mist crowds me, and the shades of grey forever dance where I believed evil is, and what is pure never comes without a doubtful lining of some other mysterious colour. I shall not strive to describe the tresses of your hair, or note how delightful it would be... but now on to write with steadiness what has passed my mind, and hope that in this exchange you shall be satisfied, for it does my constitution great evil to wrought passion on naught, and breed a sentimentality that cannot endure the burdens that I have resolved to take upon my shoulders.

Today, I would like to ask, what is are duty towards mankind? I talked to my classmate, though I believe I was mostly talking to air, for most times the subjects of my thoughts seem to incite nothing but unease and aloofness. But as I was saying... Is it truly possible to breed a pacifist nation? Not of genetic means, but by the environment. Besides the people who are born with tendency towards violence, how much can our education really do? I was thinking, the other day, that perhaps I should try to improve myself - not only academically, but in manners and general behavior. I want to be, though the term is often derided, a 'good girl'. Not in being continuously subservient and observing the codes for a chinese female as written in the old books, but to be have good citizenship. To obey the law, the understand the policies of governments and react with fairness - know when to support the government, know when to give constructive criticism. I want to know what to do to make our welfare system better. I want to know how to stop being selfish and petty but understand the big picture in things. I want to know how to work with people. I believe that a pamphlet of some sort is needed for me to know what to do. A pamphlet that is convincing, truthful, and undoctrinely. Recently I read an article that talked about environmental preservation and energy saving. The article mentioned that the government should publish a pamphlet teaching people exactly how to help save energy and preserve the environment. So far as I know, there is no such pamphlet. If there is, it surely is not very effective, for I have heard nothing of it.

The problem that I noted to my classmate was this - what does it mean to equalize the world? Can we really be equalized? Can our interests be tempered to the point that we are each satisfied with who we are and our responsibilities? People are born with different temperaments. Some desire to do little but live life through, some are highly proactive, always desiring to do more than the others. Surely we cannot expect all to all to adhere to the same duties. If those that wish to do a great deal are faced with little enough to do, then they would likely choose the opposite direction to pursue, either in extremist positions with well-meaning, or simply to pursue a sense of individualism. In high welfare States there is also a high suicide rate. Isn't equality and a basically guaranteed happy life enough? For some it is, for some it isn't. How many people are born desiring a passive existence?

And yet, if the idea that war is a nature among men as the wildfires are, then what hope have we of extinguishing the small flames to fan a greater conflagration?

I have a physics test tomorrow. I tell you. Lately I have been attempting to assimilate all my time into useful pursuit. I know my brain cells shall begin to die once I pass my peak, so I must begin to put them into good use before such a horror should wreak too great a havoc. It is not easy, for too many distractions lie in easy reach. This little excursion into the computer, for example, is one such distraction. And food, which I desire simply for the fact of desiring out of my passive physical state in a desk all day, though I do not lack calories. Do you know? I've counted, and it seems I spend about 11 hours each day sitting. Can you imagine! So much of my life seated, when in drawings of humans we most always have our species standing. I find a stale sort of sense of accomplishment from restraining myself and getting my tasks done. And an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness and regret if I digress, which is too often. Really, must work harder, for habits will only get harder to kill as I get older. And I really must not view my companions as the standards for excellence, for in some places where I could do far better I am hindered by the knowledge that none of my surrounding peers have come so far and so I do not strive as hard.

And as I promised, so I shall be