a trick of satan?

History has strengthened a strong dislike in modern humans for authoritarian figures, proving it is a path leading towards evil, corruption, tyranny, and suffering for those lead. Why? In Philip Pullman's 'His dark materials' he sculpted the ultimate image of freedom - that all good come from independent good discipline, and we are capable of such. Any sort of authority must be questioned, especially the highest - for who is to say that God is not merely another angel, albeit an aged and more powerful one. Who dares to claime himself as the creator?
Rebellion has been put constantly into a saintly light. Yes, for humans it is necessary, for humans are naturally faulty and prone to the allure of power, the be washed in mad pride at becoming 'the authority', yet what is it to God? Can any of us be compared to God?
Perhaps it is as the devil intends, we will shy from being 'lambs of God, to be guided and obediant' because we learn from history to dislike being ruled, for we suspect it all to be of evil intent. I have felt fear, for we humans have been referred to in Jesus' parables as wheat, and lambs - all to ultimately be sacrificed/butchered/baked for the reaper to consume, right? the elders scolded me, saying that it is merely parables, yet I wonder.... can the bible be imperfect? Can Jesus lie? Than why use such parables that would excite fear?

reflections on a scrape

Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Discovered that my knee injury sustained yestermorn was more serious than I had surmised - mere scratches - and was consequently given a titanus shot followed by two shots to prevent infection - none of which pleased me and all which gave me no small pain. I should be able to endure it, for it's but a petty ache, as a human being there are far more painful things to endure than shots in one's dignity, and being aware of that, am getting along best as I can. I do hope that with all this, I will not get infected none the less, for if I do I shall certainly retain a scar, though I don't much care now it may prove detrimental to my future interests/pursuits.
Had a very bad experience at the NewYear's party, mostly because I discovered that I had very different views of what seemed amusing than those present. For one thing the coordinator seems such an imposing ass. Not that I mean to swear but he's one of those grownups I do not wish to grow up associated with for we are so dissimilar in mind and he relies too heavily on his influence, power, and facade of benevolence. For another thing they played truth or dare, and all the options were detestable to me as it involved one of my dear friends who was forced to admit false things in order to save both himself and others from embarrassment. I felt harrassed for him and quickly quit the game with the true excuse of aching eyes. Most everyone stayed up till morning singing Karaoke, it seemed a treat for them to stay up all night but for myself I found it an encumberance as I had to go to class the very next noon and could not stay awake there to learn anything of import, and I believe my math holds far more value than staying up playing games with malignant intent.Also one of the senior members there expressed an interest in me that may not have been proper. I would say no more here as it may cause me harm. The debate circle is anything but pure, and I would like to escape it as soon as prudency allows. There is, indeed, far more profit to my long term goals to save myself from many temptations. I would do it for a beloved husband, a harmonious marriage...etc. I am not weak to rely my happiness on marriage. Marriage is a sacrament that has been cheaply priced of late, by too many, and I intend to preserve it's original worth - it is essential to much satisfaction, comfort and joy to one's life.
'Agnes Grey' is a tolerable book, but what I find most precious in these books is the lesson it teaches me - of consideration to others, and the evil of over-prepossessed vanity in the self. This misguided value is so blandly preached in our fashion mags that it is considered the norm, consequently producing a generation of simpering, infidel, vain, coquettish and weak-willed women, certainly not worth the status that we demand. It is a warning that I should heed.
Another book I read these days is 'Persuasion', and it's a mere novel, for it spouts no new idea but reiterates the ideal of men who deal evil shall eventually be found out and striped of all respect they gained by foul, heartless means or handsome exteriors... It is but an ideal, so I call it rather insipid. But otherwise it is very enjoyable.

concerning the finals

Friday, January 13, 2006
Am going to veer off from my normal line and post something utterly mundane. Geography, however informational, always finds me reading the same sentence over and over again without conscious comprehension. The finals are next week and I have to study the work we did for the past two months because I don't do homework during the in between exams time. Pathetic. Every new exam has me swearing that I'll do better next time, but I should start taking responsibility for my actions of today, now, this moment, and that great hunk of workload from my procrastinating past. I also discovered to my dismay that I would have gotten 100% if I had taken two hours out of my moping around, cooking, washing dishes/clothes, reconnoitoring my bookshelf/closet, reading vile novels, dreaming of the impossible...etc time to study chapter 4-1 in math, instead of the 15% I got (deservedly). All I can curse is myself; not my mother who makes me spend time watching math videos taught by a professor who makes me snore, not my father who doesn't bother defending me from such meaningless encagement by mother in front of said video teaching, not my teachers in unimportant subjects who stress the importance of their own subjects and consequently issue senseless but time-consuming reports - but myself.
Though when I'm feeling extremely romantic I start believing that I'm cursed by an evil/unknown classmate who doesn't want me to study at all - because that person doesn't know that I'm not really a threat.
And all that's going through my mind is not math, but self-repression. I'm much too careless to be righteously morale. And everyday I'm waiting for the sky to drop down on me because I'm such a selfish bastard. I'm perfectly frightened by the notion of death, and nothingness, and that's the only thing that's keeping me properly tiered to my faith. I love so many things and yet I feel that my love is nothing but passion - which is unreasonable, which is all in all untrue, and thus I doubt my own feelings and my God. There are too many things I do imperfectly, and feelings I have that are unrighteous. I'm ambitious - though talentless as a leader, I want to be a leader. I'm amorous - yet I've never had a decent, devoted relationship. All my relationships have been imbalanced by my unwillingness to commit and immense immaturity on both sides.
Can I really be all the things that I believe are good? Or can these things only be said but not done? I pray to God my depression to keep, for depression will only lower my status, and thus begin a vicious cycle of dejection in an already unhealthy life. I know evil, and it troubles me to distraction. I know good, yet there are many things that I'm inclined to do that are not at all good. A lack of courage has kept back this stream of destruction. Once I believe if we had magic the world would be marvelous, but I realized that with my sort of inability to control myself, magic would cause more harm then good, and leave behind a stream of utter regret. So it's wonderful that there's no such thing as magic in the world. Fairy tale popped.
I don't anticipate physics when I get to be a junior. I'd be like building a castle on air - my mind simply cannot connect the reasons of formulas to their later usage ...etc. I'd have to like it. And if I'm determined enought to like it with the love that I have for all things but meaningless physical labor, I shall be able to overcome it.
Geography awaits me. And God.

The unruly mind

I hate all my weaknesses. It's a weakness to adore someone. And maybe it's not true love. Took me such a long time to realize my weakness is in my passion yet feel completely helpless about it. One simply cannot change the way one is inclined, especially when that inclination includes a vast quantity of self-forgiveness. How can I trust myself? Yet who can I trust but myself? Why do I ignor those who truly care for me? Why am I such a contrary creature?
Yesterday I asked him "so you're leaving for Taipei tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Right." I nodded, feeling something like regret, and left. Later I came back and wished him a safe journey. "Thank you." he said, looking at me with an expression that meant something - but I can't read minds.
I cannot express myself. I can 'act', but so exaggeratedly that those around me know I'm fooling around. He seemed somewhat harrassed yesterday - he has such a burden, and little compensation. Yesterday he was talking to this old lady (he really is the kindest person to old ladies, treating each and every one of them like his own mother) and said that even here, in Taiwan, he has to translate the weekly devotional. He said his only joy is playing soccer, and that he's a broken vessel. The old lady made some inane comments on how he's such a good tool for God.
I hate this. This constant feeling of fear, anxiety, and pain. Simply the age incongruity would defeat us. Not to mention that I'm constantly aware of my imperfections in comparison to what one would require to be his helpful mate - his wife. He would never dare propose it to me if it could ever enter his head because he's too decent.
And I would be giving up so much. My mother warned me - she would absolutely dissapprove... I wouldn't care if I loved him enough. But do I truly love him? Surely, he's humorous and has the cutest smile, though my friend calls him plain.
He had to nearly leave for a job because he couldn't support his mother and teenage brother on church funds alone.
He said he wouldn't eat dinner yesterday - he just didn't feel like it. He said he could go for three days without a meal. I was shocked. The old woman asked him why and he said "I lost my love (in chinese)." then he claimed he was joking. But he really did seem so melancholy. I said I told my classmates that I'd lost my love too when they asked why I took such a long time cleaning up, he looked at me and made a sound like "really?", I laughed heartlessly and said "No, I was just kidding."
On ministering a few days ago a few drunken men told me I was pretty, asked me for my number, and tried to hold on to my arm. I smiled tightly and said thank you, all the while trying to hide myself behind him. He seemed surprised at their rudeness and told a few of us girls later "Don't talk to them when they try to talk to you, some of them are a little crazy." when he said this he didn't look at me once, and I felt accused of something I did... Nothing happened like that on later nights, perhaps I was only so pretty that night, or the environment especially ungodly. I hope he would not think badly of me - and so far all I've acted is the insensate, insensible and fidgety girl. Surely he would desire a sensible one. I'm not particularly humorous either, though I appreciate amusing people.
and yesterday night I fasted. I prayed for him - and us. Surely I have too little virtues to let him feel any interest in me, yet I hope.
He calls himself 'uncle' in front of another girl who is older than me, yet he doesn't call himself 'uncle' in talking to me. I wouldn't desire it, for it would seem so odd considering how I feel about him. He seems to appreciate my appreciation of his wit, for he would turn around and look at me after cracking a joke. I was shocked at first of learning his age... yet so far he is the only man I've met who's like my father, yet so much more pleasant and amusing. I'd like to marry a man who's like my father. And he's not too much older for he's only as old as the last man who proposed to me. and it'd be quite impossible for one his age to father me on any account, for he'd only be 11.
His friend seems to take a much more obvious interest in me, for the man talks to me nonstop even when we have nothing to talk about. I happen to know that his friend already has a girlfriend, so his behavior is unreasonable. Of course he asks the most innocuous questions that wouldn't arouse an ounce of suspicion as to his intents, but on comparison he doesn't talk to the other girls/women around us when we're in a group and focuses so intensely on me, so aware of where I am even when I'm trying to hide. He must have noticed it, for he hardly joins us when his friend talks to me.
Oh God, what am I doing?

The unification church... why?

Something quite sad.
It's a horrid cult. 'The Unification church'. There are so many indications that this man cannot be god, because 1. He is not sure of it himself and must consult seances. 2. He enjoys sex with innocent young maidens, many of them, claiming that by having sex with him they are 'purified'. 3. He doesn't allow freedom for members to choose their own mates. 4. He sounds like the creator of the Islamic faith or the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom. Is it possible that there can be three such known people who claime they have been assigned divine mission by God himself? 5. He demands that members turn over all their worldly assets. If he were really as saintly, should the worldly assets of his members matter to him? I realize I'm not sounding very coherent as I'm quite tired, sorry.
I believe he is quite mad, and has grandiose delusions of being deity, like Evita and her Peron from Argentina back in their glory days when she aspired to be a saint in the eyes of her people when she and her husband were really embezzling scandalous funds from the people... There is a fact that people who delude themselves and others may actually start to believe in their importance.
And cause massive pain to others, who are brainwashed to obedience.
Give no power to others but that what you are willing. For any power you have is your will, and if you willingly submit to other's, make yourself inferior to him/her, then you are giving up your power.
This cult has been spreading all over mainland china where people are less informed. Take notice and stop it! Next time I will attempt to translate an article (if I have time, that is) about a young girl who alienated her family because of this cult.
By the way, Moll Flanders has a horrible main character, if you can't differentiate between modesty and corruption, don't read it.

New years and new revelations

Discovered that my knee injury sustained yestermorn was more serious than I had surmised - mere scratches - and was consequently given a titanus shot followed by two shots to prevent infection - none of which pleased me and all which gave me no small pain. I should be able to endure it, for it's but a petty ache, as a human being there are far more painful things to endure than shots in one's dignity, and being aware of that, am getting along best as I can. I do hope that with all this, I will not get infected none the less, for if I do I shall certainly retain a scar, though I don't much care now it may prove detrimental to my future interests/pursuits.
Had a very bad experience at the NewYear's party, mostly because I discovered that I had very different views of what seemed amusing than those present. For one thing the coordinator seems such an imposing ass. Not that I mean to swear but he's one of those grownups I do not wish to grow up associated with for we are so dissimilar in mind and he relies too heavily on his influence, power, and facade of benevolence. For another thing they played truth or dare, and all the options were detestable to me as it involved one of my dear friends who was forced to admit false things in order to save both himself and others from embarrassment. I felt harrassed for him and quickly quit the game with the true excuse of aching eyes. Most everyone stayed up till morning singing Karaoke, it seemed a treat for them to stay up all night but for myself I found it an encumberance as I had to go to class the very next noon and could not stay awake there to learn anything of import, and I believe my math holds far more value than staying up playing games with malignant intent.Also one of the senior members there expressed an interest in me that may not have been proper. I would say no more here as it may cause me harm. The debate circle is anything but pure, and I would like to escape it as soon as prudency allows. There is, indeed, far more profit to my long term goals to save myself from many temptations. I would do it for a beloved husband, a harmonious marriage...etc. I am not weak to rely my happiness on marriage. Marriage is a sacrament that has been cheaply priced of late, by too many, and I intend to preserve it's original worth - it is essential to much satisfaction, comfort and joy to one's life.
'Agnes Grey' is a tolerable book, but what I find most precious in these books is the lesson it teaches me - of consideration to others, and the evil of over-prepossessed vanity in the self. This misguided value is so blandly preached in our fashion mags that it is considered the norm, consequently producing a generation of simpering, infidel, vain, coquettish and weak-willed women, certainly not worth the status that we demand. It is a warning that I should heed.
Another book I read these days is 'Persuasion', and it's a mere novel, for it spouts no new idea but reiterates the ideal of men who deal evil shall eventually be found out and striped of all respect they gained by foul, heartless means or handsome exteriors... It is but an ideal, so I call it rather insipid. But otherwise it is very enjoyable.